Perspective 2.0

I have talked about perspective in this blog.  Here's a link to my first thoughts about Perspective

It's funny the different things that will smack me in the face and help me adjust my thinking.

Throughout this journey into fitness I have been very frustrated because I have never reached the goal I had originally set for myself.  That goal involved a number on the scale.  Which I know isn't the end all and be all of being healthy but it is a way to measure progress.

So I've been very frustrated with the fact that the scale has been going in the wrong direction for quite some time.

I am working on many of the things that have contributed to that, some things are out of my control.

I have been working on my consistency (which hasn't been consistent).  Did really great for a few weeks and then the typical end of the school year craziness began (with the added stress of end of the school year distance learning stress) so I was super focused on that.

I have also been working on my attitude.  This is better but still can be improved.  How I see myself has a big impact on my attitude and I don't see myself in a very positive light a lot of the time right now.  I'm working on that.

There are some health things (think menopause and some of the fun that goes with that) that are going on but some of that I can't do much about so I'm learning to deal.

A week or so ago my Facebook Memories showed me a photo of me during the Oregon Dunes Triathlon two years ago.

I'm not going to lie, I looked at the picture and was shocked.

I have never, not once since I started running, thought that I looked good.  I have never thought that I looked healthy or fit.  I definitely never thought I looked badass.

I have looked at some pictures and thought that I looked okay.  Or better than I used to.

But I looked at this picture from two years ago and thought, "DANG!"

Oregon Dunes Triathlon 2018

I look good!

I look fit!

I can see muscles!

And I didn't appreciate it!

I didn't appreciate it it one tiny little bit.

I was too busy being mad that the number on the scale or the size of the pants weren't at the magical number that I had in my head.

Dammit!

Now here I am, 40 pounds heavier than this picture and I just want to be back there again.

Perspective.

It was a good reminder to celebrate where I am at.

To always appreciate what my body is able to accomplish RIGHT NOW!

To not focus on the scale but to focus on the progress.

Skinny isn't the goal....Healthy is the goal.   And healthy isn't always a super skinny size 0.

This body rode her bike to the top of McKenzie Pass.

This body is going to work hard to get ready for another epic bike ride (details coming as soon as plans are in place).

This body will get healthier again.

I just can't give up.

I know how it feels to be strong.

I know how it feels to be badass.

Those feelings didn't all come in a skinny little body.

I need to remember that!!!

I may not be where I want to be but I can appreciate where I am at.

McKenzie Pass Bike Ride 2020

Because one thing I know for sure.  Most people are working at being a better version of themselves.

I know I am.

I'm just learning to have a little more appreciation for the version I am in right now.

So I did a thing..

One of the goals I had set for myself this year was to ride to the top of McKenzie Pass.  This pass is closed in the winter.  Once they plow the road and do some repair work they open it up for bikers to ride for a few weeks before cars can be on it.  It's something many of my friends have done and I always thought it looked amazing but was not sure it was something I could actually do. 

Last weekend some friends said they were going to do the ride and people could come along and do the ride too (social distancing being observed!)  The weather was lining up to just about perfect. 

I wanted to go so bad but with the way things have been going I had some seriously big doubts on whether I could make it to the top.  I decided to ask my coach if he thought it was a good idea.  I was secretly hoping he would have reservations about me trying it.

No such luck.  He said go for it.  lol

Well crap. 

Joe and I talked about it and decided to go up earlier so that there wouldn't be as many people.  I often have a hard time when doing activities with other people not getting frustrated that I can't keep up.  Then I get all mental and don't have fun.  Or I push too hard and end up completely wiped out and miserable. 

So we decided to go up early and give me time to just do my thing. 

Good call. 

I'm not going to lie.  I had serious doubts on whether or not I could actually do this. 

I'm so heavy right now.

I haven't been working out consistently.

I just don't have a lot of confidence. 

I got pretty wound up in the days leading up to Saturday.

There were a few tears in the truck as we were getting ready to ride. 

Nice thing was that Joe never once doubted I could make it happen. 

We had a plan that I would do my thing.  Stop when I needed, go as slow as I needed and just enjoy my ride.  He would ride ahead if he wanted and come back to see me. 

It's go time!

Are you ready yet?

Joe had warned me that there was about three miles of steady, steep climbing.  He didn't really tell me when that part had started.  I figured it out when it was done and he started riding on his own.  He pretty much stayed right with me through the steepest part. 

From this point on, no cars allowed.  We had gone about 2.5 miles from where we parked.

I worked hard at just moving along.  Didn't push hard, just tried to keep moving.  I stopped about every mile  or so where there was a good spot and gave my legs a break, ate or drank a little and took pictures.  So many amazing pictures  The day was glorious!

Is stopping to take pictures of the mountains like stopping to smell the roses?

View of Mt. Jefferson from Windy Point

I'm really doing this! 

I've reached the snow.  Little over 1.5 miles to go to make the top.

The last half mile to the top I was getting tired.  It was getting steep again and I kind of felt like I had been riding forever.  Joe kept up the encouragement and basically talked me up that last half mile.  Suddenly he took off fast and rode ahead.  Turns out he wanted to be able to catch a quick video of me finishing at the top by the elevation sign.  The video pretty much says it all. 

It was incredible to be at the top. 

For so many reasons.

• I did a really hard thing and made it.  
• I had been really scared to do it but I did it anyway.
• The view at the top was Ah-May-Zing!!

Sisters

The observatory.

Joe and I, together at the top.  Couldn't have done it without him!

 

Joe decided to take off and see if he could meet up with our friends and ride to the top with them.  I decided to take it easy going down.  Didn't want to haul ass down the hill and crash because I hit a pot hole or something.  Lot's of people were coming up the hill now so I'm really glad that we had gotten started so early. 

I got back to the truck and just could stop smiling. 

I had done it. 

For real. 

I'm heavier than I have been in years.  (Hard not to cringe at the pictures a little). 

But this big girl got to the top of the pass with this body. 

That deserves to be celebrated!!!

I loaded up the truck and changed my clothes.  Drove down to the high school to wait for Joe to finish up his ride.  It was nice just sitting and watching the bikes coming down off the pass.  While thinking, "I did that too!"

Once Joe got back and cleaned up we sat in lawn chairs and had a celebratory cider and just enjoyed the day.

It was a VERY good day.

We both had so much fun. 

I have a long way to go for some of the things I want with my health and fitness.

But I have a lot more confidence in myself. 

A little more Can Do attitude. 

Still making those adjustments in the right direction. 

And I'm still moving. 

***Also, I posted pictures of the ride on Facebook and was completely overwhelmed by the love and support sent my way.  Thank you to all my friends and family that love on me, in spite of myself.  I love you all!! 💜💜💜

Always Learning!

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've written a post for my blog.  But there's been a few things that have gone on while I've been away.  My last post was October 2019.  Since then here are some of the things that have gone on:

November

• I turned 50!  Hard to believe, I know!

5.0 mile hike with Josh & Wendi.  With tiara and sash in honor of my birthday.  lol

December

• My husband then turned 50 the very next month.  Equally hard to believe.  
• Christmas came and I got to love on all three of our kids, but not long enough with any of them. 

I love these three humans so much it hurts.  Missing two of the like crazy right now!

• I had my first colonoscopy.  That was an adventure.  Getting older is great.  😆

January

• 30th Anniversary!!!-LOVE my hubby.  Can't believe we have been married that long!  Anniversary trip to Kona, Hawaii planned for October to volunteer at the Ironman World Championships.  So exciting!  

Adventures with Joe.   Best friend for 31.5 years, hubby and best friend for 30 years. 

• Begin the process of helping my dad and step-mom get their house ready to sell AND help them move into a retirement home.  

February 

• Disneyland with our son and his friends.  It was their trip and Taylor invited us to tag along.  How cool is that?

Shirts say "Since 1990" on the back.  They were a hit at Disneyland!

March

• School was closed for the rest of the month and my last day in class was March 12.   I didn't know this when I went to bed.  Woke up on Friday the 13th to a whole new world.  

Calendar hasn't changed since then.  Makes me so sad!

• Daughter came home early from college because they closed her campus and everything went online. 
• Schools for sure closed until April 28
• Stay Home, Stay Safe orders were made in Oregon (fancy way of saying we are in quarantine.)  
• State Parks closed and Spring Break camping trip was cancelled.

April

• Announcement was made on April 8 by our governor that school was cancelled for the remainder of the year and Distance Learning was to begin on April 13th.  

I was helping hand out Chromebooks when the official announcement was made about school.

• Five days to coordinate with all Language Arts teachers in the district to coordinate and develop the curriculum for the rest of the school year.  
• April 13th-Let the Distance Learning begin!

May

• May the 4th be with you!

Some good stuff, some hard stuff, and some just plain bizarre stuff!

Throughout all this I was struggling with two things:  my weight and my attitude.

I gained quite a bit of weight last year.  I wasn't working out consistently.  I had a lot of extra stressors on my plate.  Husband doing an Ironman, getting a house ready to sell, packing, youngest daughter graduating, some unexpected house remolding (leaky faucet caused major water damage), graduation party, moving into new house, taking daughter to college.  I really thought 2019 was the tough year and I would regroup for 2020 and do better.  Ha!

I really struggled with turning 50.  Not for the usual reasons.  I'm actually completely fine with being 50.  But when I started running ten years ago my weight was super slow coming off.  When I started writing this blog seven years ago I had decided that my journey wasn't a sprint, it was a marathon.  So my goal was to be Fit and Fabulous by Fifty.  I gave myself permission to have my process be a slow one and my long range goal was to be at the weight I wanted by the time I was 50.

Then 50 arrives and my weight is slowly creeping back up to scary and I'm not working out consistently.  I'm fighting depression on many levels and I don't feel Fit & Fabulous.  I feel Fat & Frumpy.  Not anywhere close to where I thought I would be at this point.

Not going to lie.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself for letting it happen.  There are lots of reasons, lots of excuses but the bottom line is that I know what it takes to at least keep things from moving in the wrong direction and I let it happen again.

To say I've been spending the last six months working on an attitude adjustment is putting it mildly.  With such a big bad attitude, it's taken some big adjustments.

I'm still working on things but kind of feel like I've taken some steps in the right direction.

One of the things that has been hard is that I have been very discouraged.  I'm not where I want to be or where I thought I would be.  When I do a work out I'm slow and I'm back to where I started in a lot of areas.  It's easy to get discouraged.  But I realized a few months ago that I was comparing myself again, which has been a constant issue for me.

This time I was comparing myself to...myself!

I was discouraged because I used to be better and now I'm not where I was.

I was discouraged because I used to be faster, stronger, whatever else.

One day I was swimming and I was struggling with a workout plan that Coach had for me and I wanted to quit.  It was hard and I was discouraged because I used to be able to do it and do it faster.  Now I was slow again and wasn't even sure I could do it.

Coach and I have had many discussions about how words matter and how they can shape our mindset and our attitude.  I have had many similar discussions with my students.  (Pretty sure coaching and teaching are basically the same thing. lol)  So I'm swimming along and the word discouraged keeps popping in my head and I start thinking about what can I put in place of that word that would be positive and helpful.

Suddenly it was there.

Determined.

Right there in the pool, with a workout that I was really struggling with, I became determined to get it done.  To do all the intervals and parts and pieces that coach laid out for me to the best of my ability on that day.

It was slow.

It wasn't pretty.

I even snorted water a few times.

But I did the entire workout from start to finish just as my coach laid out.

Because I was determined.

I could have quit because I was discouraged.

Instead I got determined and the result was way better.

Determined meant that when I finished I didn't focus on how it could have been better but instead focused on how proud I was for not giving up.

That was the beginning of the slow turn in the attitude.

Next step was tackling the weight issue.

For me, a lot of that is my mind set and oh boy I am having a terrible time getting that focused on thinking healthy instead of emotionally eating.  (There's been a few things to emotionally eat about lately, added onto all of last years stressors.)

I decided that I was going to really get focused on eating healthy and getting my workouts done consistently at the beginning of May.  I think I decided this about the time we learned that we wouldn't be back at school and we needed to start up Distance Learning.  This gave me some time to mentally gear up for the switch and also gave me some time to get through the start of up of my new normal for my job.  Too many changes at once just set me up for epic failure. But getting things rolling at least gave me a fighting chance to feel better about where I'm at by the time we go to Hawaii in October.

We ended up with an opportunity to work with a Nutritionist for seven days with our Pure Endurance Team.  He focuses on plant based meals and does that with a focus on how to make that work for athletes.  This started on Monday, April 27th.  Great timing!

It was a good week!  I learned a lot, got the chance to try some new things and got to see a new way of looking at food.  Don't know that I will go completely meat free quite yet, but it could happen eventually.  ;-)

This past week I was also determined to do all my scheduled workouts to the best of my abilities.  I focused on being proud of myself for getting them done and not worrying about the speed, duration, etc.

I tracked all my food on MyFitnessPal as well.  The nutritionist wasn't about calories and such but I know it helps me keep my self more aware of how much I'm eating and keeps me accountable for what goes in my mouth.

I figure I need to use ALL the tools in the tool box right now.

The third thing in my attitude adjustment has been about my thoughts on "starting over".  In the past, in this blog even, I have been frustrated when I have had to start over.  There has been a hiccup, there has been a change, there has been something that makes me feel like I am starting back at step one.  Looking back it's kind of funny because right now, with the weight I'm at, I'm literally the closest I've been to starting over compared to all those other times.

Joe and I went and did an Open Water Swim a couple of weeks ago in a local quarry lake.  While swimming I was doing some thinking about starting over and I had a realization.  (You would think I would spend more time thinking about my form and such while swimming.  I think it's because swimming frees my mind up because I'm only focusing on swimming.  Other things that I've been percolating on for awhile all seem to come together and pop to the surface when I swim.  I think other people get that when they meditate or do yoga.  For me it's when I'm swimming.  Weird but then so am I. lol)

Back to that idea that words matter.

Starting over sounds like I am beginning a new journey each time.

The truth is there is only one journey in life and I get to choose how I take that journey.

My journey may not be going as I planned or had envisioned.  I'm not where I saw myself being when I turned 50.

But I'm not starting over.

I'm changing direction.

I'm deciding that I don't like the direction my journey is taking me and I'm doing some course correction to get back to the path I want to be on.

Doesn't that sound better?

Course Correction.

I know there will be valley's of darkness, mountains that seem impossible to climb, and times that I get lost along the way.

But I also know that I'm stronger than I think I am and I will figure it out....eventually.

I can be kind of slow to figure things out at times but I get there eventually.

So my three things I'm focusing on right now are:

• Determination not discouragement.
• Healthy mindset around food and exercise.
• Course Correction not starting over.  

There will be tears along the way (it is me after all) but I 100% know there will also be adventures, laughter and memories.

Nine years ago  on May 1st I did my first half marathon.

Facebook memories are great (and sometimes hard!)

Good reminder that I can be determined, make course corrections and have a healthy mindset.

I've done it before, I will do it again.

Focusing on What I'm Grateful for.

As I adjust to my new normal I have been thinking about a lot of things.  This past year was a bit crazy with a lot of changes and new adventures.  I felt like I was stretched to my limits many many times and how I dealt with it wasn't always pretty.  Things have calmed down a bit now so I am learning, or re-learning, that it is okay to sometimes put myself first.  

The things that have settled are:

• Old house is sold.
• Youngest kiddo graduated high school.
• Successful graduation party for kiddo and her two besties (in spite of no kitchen due an unexpected remodel 😖)
• Moved into the new house.
• New house is 90% unpacked.  (The beginning of a new school year slowed down that process.)
• Youngest kiddo officially dropped off at college and successfully launched into phase one of adulting.  
• Joe's Santa Rosa race is done with his personal goal being crushed.  (I'm a wee bit proud!)
• Hubby taking a little break from Ironman training so that I can have a break from Ironman #1 support person.  (It's a lot harder than I ever think it will be.)
• Packed up classroom.
• Unpacked classroom in a new room.  

I'm feeling more settled and on a more even keel.  My workouts aren't dialed in but I'm getting better every week.  Better as in, I am remembering more and more that I CAN do these things.  I am remembering more and more how much it helps me stay on that even keel.  I have been working on dialing in my eating, since I know that I use that as a comfort and not in a healthy way.  Since the beginning of the school year I have lost 13 pounds.

All of these things sound great but I'm still struggling with some things.  A long time ago when I started my journey toward being a healthier me I had a long term goal.  In my effort to deal with the slow progress I made and the many setbacks and start-overs I had a long term goal.  The goal was that by the time I was 50 I would be at the healthy weight I wanted and be so much faster at the running.  That goal eventually included the swimming and biking parts too.  

I turn 50 next month.  

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be.  

Not even close.  

It's hard not to focus on that.  I know that if I do focus on that too much then I will wallow in it and get sad about it and the downward spiral starts spinning.  

Since my school year began I have been working really hard on keeping my mindset positive.  Not always easy but it's getting better.  

One of the ways I have worked at keeping the more positive mindset is to keep an attitude of gratefulness.  Because I have SO MANY things to be grateful for.  

I am grateful for friends who send me flowers and a beautiful card the day after a race weekend that made me feel incredibly special and loved.

Thank you Kelli!!  💜

I am grateful for friends that drag me out of my house to do 5k races at the last minute.  Then hang out and eat lunch with me at my house.  

3rd place age group (Me) and 2nd Place age group (Kathryn)  Yay us!

Finn ran with me and he got a medal too! 

I am grateful for friends that invite us to be involved in their epic days.  Got to crew for some friends during their Mountain Lakes 100 mile trail run.  One friend got a fabulous PR and another friend finished her first ever 100 miler.  So amazing to be a small part of their day.  

The view as we were driving to the race start. 

Me and my best guy before the race began.  

Pote looking solid as she fuels up after about 26 miles. 

Josh with his pacer Joe getting ready to head out around Timothy Lake.

Kristy being all chill after finishing her first 100 😀

Congrats to Kristy!

Kristy with her #1 Support Person, Tony.

I failed to get any pictures of Josh finishing.  He got done WAY faster than we anticipated and caught me off guard.  lol  He definitely didn't hate that at all.  😜

I am grateful for being able to take advantage of the last few days of sunshine and explore new roads where I am now living.  I'm also grateful that I am comfortable going out and being active alone.  Sometimes that alone time to just do my own thing is good.

Beautiful fall day.

Still smiling even though I got stung in the jaw by a bee.  🐝

I am grateful for times walking about in the woods having great conversations, lots of laughter and maybe a few tears with people who love me even when I'm not at my best and am struggling with the dark places.  I have had people who did not do that in the past so that makes me appreciate the ones that have stuck it out with me!  I'm also grateful for goofy dogs that make me smile.

Greta, Georgia, Finn and Niko

Love the fall colors!

 I am grateful for a husband that takes the time to be with me and goes on adventures with me.

Champoeg State Park, Willamette River.

Even the feather I found had some fall colors.

I am grateful for my Pure Endurance coach and teammates.  I am grateful that I was willing to face the unknown and work towards what seemed like a ridiculous goal of doing an Olympic triathlon.  Setting that goal has brought the most amazing people into my life.  I am grateful that they cheered me on all season long even when I wasn't putting in the work to do more than just participate.

Not everyone is in this picture but I love my team and all their support!!

I am grateful for a boss that understood my need for a classroom with windows to the outside.  It has already been an incredible blessing to open the shades and get daylight into my room.  Or open the door and feel the fresh air, hear the wind blow, hear the rain fall and just know moment to moment what is going on with the weather and daylight.  I'm enjoying putting on my coat and standing outside my door to greet my students.  I know I will be enjoying it all year long.  I have a funny feeling that if it snows this winter, I will be the one with my class outside trying to catch snowflakes in our mouths.  😉


I am grateful for the amazing men and women I work with.  The ones that show up every day to an extraordinarily difficult job and put kids first.  It amazing to be a part of the staff at South Albany High School.  Some days it is a grind working through all the extra things we deal without outside of teaching the content.  But there are so many bright moments when students shine and getting to watch it happen brings tears to my eyes.

So....
I may not be the weight I want to be.
Or the athlete I thought I would be.
I am dealing with a terrible case of adult acne/rosacea.
I am feeling terrible self-conscious about my appearance.
I feel fat and frumpy.  I know it's getting better but it's hard not to linger here. 

But....
When I start to focus on those things,
I'm going to work at changing the story in my head.
I'm going to remember I have SO MUCH to be grateful for!