Starting Slow but Starting

Well it's been a hot minute since I last posted.  September of 2021 to be exact.  I've been tired, stressed and cranky.  I hate being all of those things!

Here's a short list of the things that have been on my plate this school year:

• Teacher in the hardest year ever.  Which is saying something because teaching online wasn't a picinic!
• Youngest daughter moving to Florida for a new job.  Now all three of my kids live in far away states.  Makes for a sad momma!
• Teaching this year.
• One parental unit that lived with us for a month because their dementia had gotten significantly worse while we looked for a care facility.
• Teaching this year.
• One beautiful niece who went to heaven.  Makes me tear up just typing that.  
• Teaching this year.
• Other parental units with various health issues.  
• Have I mentioned teaching this year?  

I have pretty much stayed off of social media for the last six months.  The negativity in general and the teacher bashing was more than I could emotionally handle.  

Emotionally handling things with food was definitly a thing the last two years.  

And now I'm starting over.

Again.

But I'm working really hard at being proud of myself for taking the steps to start over again.  

I have regained all the weight I lost.  And I mean all of it.  That's hard to deal with.  

I have been really angry with myself for getting right back to this spot once again.  I've had a terrible time trying to get back to the mentality of being a mover and a shaker. 

It hasn't been easy!

I look in the mirror and see a fat lady.  Not going to sugar coat it, I see an ugly fat lady.  It's really hard to feel that way when I look in the mirror.  

I've been going to a counselor since last November and it has helped a lot.  Right now we are working on body image issues and using food for comfort.  Not easy conversations to have but it's good to have them.  I promised my counselor and my doctor that the Monday after school got out I would start making changes.  

That was the day before yesterday.  

Monday my friends Josh and Wendie came over and we walked around the neighborhood.  Only 2.1 miles but the goal was to just get out and move.  Mission accomplished!

First time with new Brooks on the first day back at it! 

Gotta love seeing purple flowers!

I had decided that instead of being pissed about not being where I used to be with my fitness, I would truly approach it as starting over.  So my goal to start with is moving at least 30 minutes every day this week.  

Tuesday I got up early and did the exact same route as the day before but I ran the 1/2 mile trail around the local park.  Actually it was more like a slow, painful trot but I was moving faster than a walk so it counts.  I almost gave up a couple of times but managed to get the whole 1/2 mile done.  So that was the win for the day. 

Wednesday (today) I went to Corvallis to meet Wendie at the pool there and have the first swim since December.  The swim before that was in June, so I have done three swims in a year.  lol  

We had planned to use the outside lap swim pool but unfortunately the swim team was using it and no lanes would be open until 8:00 am.  I am teaching summer school for a couple of weeks so that wouldn't give me enought time to swim and clean up and get back to town.  So we went inside and use the indoor pool  Little bit of a bummer but it was fine.  Again, the win was that we went.  

The pool was a 25 meter pool and boy did that feel long!  I only went 400 meters but I am defintely feeling it in my arms tonight.  

But I have worked out every day this week for at least 30 minutes.  

It's only three days but hey, it's three days better than I did last week.  

I really want to get back to being the person who working out was just a part of my normal routine.  So I'm planning to work really hard in developing those habits again during the summer so that it's easier to keep them when school starts next fall.  Hopefully, next school year will be a LOT less stressful.  That would certainly help!

Here are the crazy things I have signed up to do in order to try and motivate myself to keep moving:

We are doing a one day relay near Hood River next month.  Four of us in the van and three legs each.  I know it won't be nessicarily pretty but if I am consistent for the next four weeks it will be better than if I did it tomorrow!  

I also signed up for a 24 hour race.  This is where you have 24 hours to see how far you get doing loops.  I think the loop is 2.4 miles for this one.  I have done a 5k, a 10k and a half marathon in the past.  I have never done a marathon.  Partly because I worry about the time limit that most marathons have.  With this format I basically have the full 24 hours to get a marathon done.  Many people have far loftier goals like 100 miles.  lol  The nice part is that I can rest if I need to without the pressure of the time limit.  My thinking is that I will try to get most of it done during daylight hours so that the last bit will be "easier".  I have some work to do to get ready though.  

We will also be signing up for the Silver Falls trail weekend.  I will probably do the 7 miler again.  Last year wasn't pretty.  No training and then walking with a major migraine.  I was SLOW!! The goal this year is to go significantly faster than last year.  

Here's a funny thing.  In my head, SLOW meant that I did something like 3:30 last year.  I went to look it up and I got 2:44.  

That shows how badly my mind makes it seem like I did way worse than I actually did.  

So before this realization I was planning on shooting for less than three hours.  Obviously I did that last year.  So now I'm shooting for less than 2:20.  It's the weekend after the 24 hour race so we shall see how I do.

I haven't signed up for anything at the Best in the West weekend yet.  I am kind of waiting to see how things go for the next couple of months.  I will probably either sign up for the 5k and try to slap down last year's time.  Or I will sign up for a sprint triathlon to remind myself that I have been a triathlete and I can be again.  

I took before pictures on Monday.  I won't put them here yet, not quite ready for that! Another goal I have is to have a new set of pictures to compare (positively) when I go back to work in the fall.  When I weighed on Monday I was 270.2.  Hopefully that will be a lot less by the end of the summer.  

Stress Happens...

Life sometimes has a way of smacking you around. Sometimes it is normal every day things that can stress you out.  Other times it's big stuff that is out of your control.  And sometimes it's a really fun combination of both. 

There are lots of different ways of dealing with stresses. 

Mine is food. 

I've done better the last several years keeping a handle on this and using exercise to be my stress reliever. 

I have not done better the last several months using exercise and have gone back to food. 

My pants are complaining about this. 

Actually a lot of my clothes are complaining about this. 

I don't know how other people get inside their heads but mine is kind of a downward spiral. 

• First I eat because I'm stressed. 
• I don't work out because I'm tired and stressed.  Instead of exercising, I'm snacking.  
• Then I am mad at myself because I know I should be working out but I'm so tired (and sad) that I still don't work out.  
• So then I'm stressed about my workouts and my weight. 
• Then back to the start.  I eat because I'm stressed.  

It's a ridiculous cycle and I know it when it's happening.  Knowing it's happening almost makes it worse because I feel so weak that even knowing it's happening I don't seem to have the strength or will power to stop it. 

Life is always full of stresses.  Some are just harder to handle.  Right now we have some rather big ones happening.  Health issues that are affecting people I love.  Inability to do more than just be present is really hard for me.  Comfort and prayers are great but I want to DO something to make things better or easier and I do not have the ability to do that.  My yearly struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder where I once again have a classroom with no windows which adds to the struggle.  Youngest daughter's senior year, Joe getting ready to do another Ironman and me starting over again at a new school all are things that add to the stress.  Not necessarily bad ones but they add to the pile.  Basically just a lot happening all at one time. 

I decided that I would take the two weeks of my winter break to focus on getting my workouts done.  To get back into the routine of doing my workouts. 

Because I know that setting goals helps keeping me going in the right general direction, I have made a few goals to get me through the next month.  Then I will see where I am at and how I'm doing and make new goals. 

• Do all my workouts, even if I don't do them 100% or they aren't pretty.  I have to at least TRY.
• Count/track my calories.  Because I snack I know that I eat more than it seems like when I'm stressed so counting my calories will help me be aware of just how much I am really eating.  
• Drink all the water in my 40 oz. Hydroflask twice a day.  
• No sugar!  Too much holiday snacking.  Time to clean out the system.  It will suck at first but I know it my body will thank me later.  
• Support my family members in the best way I am able, whatever that may look like.  And be okay if it doesn't actually feel like I'm doing anything.  Comfort and prayers do matter.  
• Cut myself some serious slack if I do not do all of these goals perfectly every day.  I am only human after all.  

This is a very doable list with things I CAN control.  (I will have to keep reminding myself of this!!)