Seasons

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls.

I like to have a plan.

When I get a curve ball, I can adjust the plan as needed.  But I still have a plan.

However, once in a while it feels like a bit more than just a curve ball.

It feels more like I'm getting hit by the ball.

Repeatedly.

Seems like that is how things have been going lately.

Lots of things going on.  Some things are totally out of my control.  Others are because of decisions my husband and I have made a long time ago and the timing just makes it hard.

Last fall I made the decision to dial back my training some and just participate in sprint triathlons for the coming season.

I already knew there was going to be a lot on my plate and that seemed like the smart thing to do.

Fast forward six months and I've been struggling with finding balance between all the things I need to do and getting my workouts done for me.

The workouts for me have taken a backseat to everything else.

This totally sucks because I know that when I finally get through all this stuff I will be starting over...again.

When I started running I had this vision of how I would lose weight and feel great.  I had some thoughts to bigger and badder goals to reach by the time I turned 50.  I thought all of these things were totally possible considering the amount of work I was putting in.

Now I am in the year where I actually turn 50.

I have gained back a bunch of weight.

I haven't done any events this year at all and it's already June.

My workouts are practically non-existent.

Not where I thought I would be at all.

Most of this winter has been working my way around to being okay with that.

I don't want to say it's not my fault (because it is).

Or that other things had to become priorities (which they did).

I try really hard to live a No Excuses life.

But sometimes that is just really hard.  (This is being said in the most whiny voice possible.)

I tend to think of my year in seasons, usually starting with fall.  Probably because I'm a teacher and that's when the school year starts.  Fall, winter, spring, summer.  There are beautiful parts of all of those seasons but there are also parts that are not so great.  None of them last forever.  Sometimes it seems like it and then suddenly we are in the next season.

Oregon fall is beautiful.  We tend to nice weather, warm but not too hot, and the leaves start turning.  I love hiking in the fall when the air is starting to have a crisp edge to it in the morning but then it warms up.  But fall is also the time when we start getting more rainy days and it reminders that the damp winter is on its way.

Silver Falls State Park, November 2018

Winter can be lovely in different ways.  It rains a lot in the valley where I live.  I love listening to the sound of the rain on the tin cover that is over our back porch.  I like hiking when it's a light drizzle and everything smells clean and the leaves have a sparkle to them.  We can drive to the coast and watch the waves churn because of a storm or drive to the mountains and play in the snow.  It's nice to be able to change things up when it's feeling a bit dreary.  But it can also be hard to have the relentless gray skies and not have the time to change things up because life gets so busy.

The Sisters, Central Oregon, January 2019

Spring in Oregon is like a roller coaster at times.  Mother nature likes to tease us with amazing days of warmth and blue skies and then slam us with a week of non-stop rain.  Hiking becomes an adventure in spotting wild flowers and baby deer.  It's also the end of the school year and the students are losing their minds and the teachers are losing their patience.

Summer!  Long summer days, sunshine and time for workouts that are followed by naps.  I love summer.  I don't enjoy days where the temperature is over 90 and it's so hot at night I can't sleep.  Luckily we don't get there too often and I know it could be much worse.  My son lives in Arizona and I look at the temperature where he is and think it's just ridiculous!

Much like the different times of the year there are seasons in life.  With each season there are parts that are beautiful and amazing and there are parts that are not as much fun or a struggle.  Sometimes the beautiful and amazing happens at the same time as the struggling season.

This past year has brought on several different seasons in our life happening all at the same time.  As I said earlier, I have felt bombarded and overwhelmed a lot this year.

I have been focusing on all the hard parts and struggles and forgetting to look for the wildflowers.

I was talking with my coach a few weeks ago and he was telling me how I'm going through a season in my life where racing isn't a priority and that is okay.  I need to work at still moving as much as I can and remember that this isn't permanent, it's just a season.

Obviously I have been thinking about that quite a bit.  Funny how the brain clamps onto an idea or word and runs with it.

Two of the seasons in our life that are happening right now are rather significant.  First, we are selling our house and moving.  Downsizing some but getting some awesome features in a home that are going to be exactly what we are wanting in a house for a couple of empty-nesters.

Second, our youngest is graduating high school.  She will be heading off to college in August.  Our other two kiddos are home to see their baby sister graduate.  It has been amazing to have them all home and hear them laughing in the other room or hanging out with us and just visiting.

Graduation is tonight and then Meighan will be off on a trip with a friend for a few weeks.  We will be moving the first week in July, which sounds really far away but I know will be here in no time.

I'm ready for this season to be winding down.

I'm ready to not have so many life changing seasons happening at one time.

I'm ready to take a deep breath and have a moment or two before I regroup and start moving forward again.

Trying to not beat myself up and the work I'm going to have to do just to get where I was last fall.

Trying to remember this is just a season in my life.

No season lasts forever.

Sometimes that's a good thing.

Stress Happens...

Life sometimes has a way of smacking you around. Sometimes it is normal every day things that can stress you out.  Other times it's big stuff that is out of your control.  And sometimes it's a really fun combination of both. 

There are lots of different ways of dealing with stresses. 

Mine is food. 

I've done better the last several years keeping a handle on this and using exercise to be my stress reliever. 

I have not done better the last several months using exercise and have gone back to food. 

My pants are complaining about this. 

Actually a lot of my clothes are complaining about this. 

I don't know how other people get inside their heads but mine is kind of a downward spiral. 

• First I eat because I'm stressed. 
• I don't work out because I'm tired and stressed.  Instead of exercising, I'm snacking.  
• Then I am mad at myself because I know I should be working out but I'm so tired (and sad) that I still don't work out.  
• So then I'm stressed about my workouts and my weight. 
• Then back to the start.  I eat because I'm stressed.  

It's a ridiculous cycle and I know it when it's happening.  Knowing it's happening almost makes it worse because I feel so weak that even knowing it's happening I don't seem to have the strength or will power to stop it. 

Life is always full of stresses.  Some are just harder to handle.  Right now we have some rather big ones happening.  Health issues that are affecting people I love.  Inability to do more than just be present is really hard for me.  Comfort and prayers are great but I want to DO something to make things better or easier and I do not have the ability to do that.  My yearly struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder where I once again have a classroom with no windows which adds to the struggle.  Youngest daughter's senior year, Joe getting ready to do another Ironman and me starting over again at a new school all are things that add to the stress.  Not necessarily bad ones but they add to the pile.  Basically just a lot happening all at one time. 

I decided that I would take the two weeks of my winter break to focus on getting my workouts done.  To get back into the routine of doing my workouts. 

Because I know that setting goals helps keeping me going in the right general direction, I have made a few goals to get me through the next month.  Then I will see where I am at and how I'm doing and make new goals. 

• Do all my workouts, even if I don't do them 100% or they aren't pretty.  I have to at least TRY.
• Count/track my calories.  Because I snack I know that I eat more than it seems like when I'm stressed so counting my calories will help me be aware of just how much I am really eating.  
• Drink all the water in my 40 oz. Hydroflask twice a day.  
• No sugar!  Too much holiday snacking.  Time to clean out the system.  It will suck at first but I know it my body will thank me later.  
• Support my family members in the best way I am able, whatever that may look like.  And be okay if it doesn't actually feel like I'm doing anything.  Comfort and prayers do matter.  
• Cut myself some serious slack if I do not do all of these goals perfectly every day.  I am only human after all.  

This is a very doable list with things I CAN control.  (I will have to keep reminding myself of this!!) 

 

Getting Help

It's been about three weeks since I got the diagnosis for Seasonal Affective Disorder and started taking medication for it.  There have been some bright points and some low points.  Figured that it was time for an update on how things are going.

The medication is taking the edge off.  I had a two week follow up with my doctor to see how things are going.  I told him the load is still there but it doesn't feel quite as heavy as it was before.  I have had some problems sleeping.  I wake up around 2:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom and then when I go back to bed I'm very restless.  I'm not totally awake but can't get comfortable, toss and turn a lot, and don't really feel rested.  Doc said that was a normal side-affect of the medication and for most people it gets better after the first few weeks.

Joe and I took off for a belated anniversary weekend about one week into taking the medication.  We were heading to Bend for the weekend and planned some hiking along the way.  The day we left was amazing weather.  Ridiculously beautiful and warm for January.  I treasure days like these during the winter.  We had decided to go to the Blue Pool for a hike on the way to Bend.  It's a very popular hike and one that we had never done.  We got there early enough that it wasn't busy heading to the Blue Pool.  We saw a few people but not many.  The trail goes along a river and the sun was shining through the trees on the water.  It was so beautiful.

It was a beautiful hike.  I'm sure if the sun had been hitting the water it would have been even more beautiful.  The reflection of the trees in the water made it look like a mirror.  I am hoping to do the hike again in the summer, probably during the week because the weekend is so busy, and see how it looks with the sun hitting the water.

We got back to the trail head and there was a group of people hanging out at their truck have an adult beverage.  Joe made some comment about that looking really good and suddenly they are grabbing one and offering it to him.  We spent some time hanging out with a very nice group of people.  That is one of the fun things about having adventures.  Sometimes you get to meet random people that are really fun.

When we finished yakking with the nice people in the parking lot we got ready to finish our drive to Bend.  But as we were going down the road Joe say a sign for Sahalie Falls and asked if I wanted to stop.  Why not?  We didn't have to be anywhere at any particular time.

We got out and checked out the falls and oh my goodness it was beautiful.  The sun was at the perfect spot in the sky so that there was rainbows.  We were checking it out and taking pictures when someone told us there were more falls just a little ways down the trail so we took off to check it out.  Every place we stopped we saw more rainbows.  We ended up with about a mile bonus hike and it was so worth it!

I had stopped to take this picture and the rainbow go SO bright!  

My favorite guy!!  💗

Then we headed back to the car and started to make our way to Bend.  The sky was so blue!  I love the views of the mountains we get on this drive.

Sunday morning we got up and headed out to do a hike at Smith Rock which is near Redmond.  There ended up being a lot of fog.  Which meant we didn't get the really awesome views that you can find on this hike.  But the fog had it's own kind of beauty.

View of Smith Rock from the parking lot.  😀

Once we got down to the river we could see it a little more...kind of.

At the top of Misery Ridge.  Isn't that a great view? 😉

I didn't go as close to the edge as Joe.  Happy I made it to the top.  

Monkey Face on the way down the other side.  

Proof that we saw some blue sky.

View of Smith Rock from the parking lot at the end of our hike.  

We ended up doing about 7.5 miles and got about 2,000 feet of elevation.  Kind of slow because some the downhills were hard for me.  I don't like heights and looking down at the trail and seeing all the down right there makes my stomach jittery.  Then add loose gravel that makes you slide on occasion and I am creeping along.  By the end I was so ready to be done and on flat ground again!  Could feel the out of proportion feelings start creeping in, the tears start welling up and the frustrations start.  Which then frustrated me even more because the day before I had such a good day and was feeling so much better. 

Monday we headed for home and had one more hike to do on the way.  Joe remembered a hike he had done when he was in high school so we decided to go check it out.  Salt Creek Falls was another beautiful hike.  It was technically closed for the winter season but there wasn't any snow so we went passed the gate and checked it out anyway. 

We didn't do the full hike in the forest since we weren't absolutely sure of the trails and didn't want to get on the wrong one and end up out and about in the woods all day.  Especially in an area that was closed for the season.  We got back to the car and headed for home. 

It was nice to get away and spend time with my hubby!! 

So doc had asked me to let him know if the sleep was getting better after another week.  If it was then we might up the dose of the meds to twice a day. 

I met with Jon to go over some new strength training exercises.  Once again I was reminded how much I appreciate my coach.  Before we got started with the new exercises we sat down to look at some of my workouts and talk.  Jon brainstormed ways to get me outside in the daylight, even if it was just for 10 or 15 minutes.  He said that if I came home and went for a quick walk then we could just shorten up whatever workout I was supposed to do after I got home.  He didn't want me to be overwhelmed with a walk and then a full workout.  I got a little overwhelmed with him caring about me getting outside and here come the tears.  I am so grateful to have a coach who gets that his athletes are a whole person, not just an athlete.  We have things come up, life happens, problems to overcome, jobs to do, winter blues to overcome.  All of these things factor into how we handle our workouts.  Sometimes the workouts aren't the most important thing.  In my case the workouts are probably one of the major reason the S.A.D. hasn't been much much worse. 

This last weekend I had a couple of days that were just hard.  Nothing major going on, no reason for things to be hard, but there I was being all teary over nothing again.  Not fun! 

I missed my swim Thursday morning because I had a bad night sleeping and just couldn't get myself moving at 4:30 a.m.  I was going to swim the next day instead but again, didn't get going in the morning.  Decided I would do it right after work but then some former students came by and the next thing I know I'm rushing home so we can head to Salem to see our daughter's concert.  I hate it when I flake on a workout because I'm tired.  I'm always tired so that isn't a good excuse. 

Part of the extra teary was being extra tired.  Which is not good when I'm already majorly tired on a good day.  So when I'm majorly tired with extra tired thrown on top it makes it harder to cope with things in general.  Joe worked on Saturday and I was supposed to do a 1.5 hour bike ride.  There was a group ride that morning but I had decided not to go.  I was weepy, grumpy and tired.  The weather looked crappy.  I just didn't feel like being around people. 

Then I got a text from one of my friends/teammates asking if I was going to be at the group ride.  I said I was on the fence.   Here's how the conversation went:

So I packed up my stuff and headed to Corvallis.  Evidently I am not a lame person.

I cried all the way to Corvallis, I have no idea why.

Then I cried all over Rebecca. lol

But I was there and I am thankful for friends that don't take no for answer.  I am also thankful for a ride outside.  We didn't get rained on the entire ride.  Tackled some solid hills and actually set a record for most elevation in one ride.  We had to stop and start a bunch of times going into and out of town so I got lots of practice clipping in and out and stopping and starting.  Managed to not fall down once so that was a win. 

When you don't have fenders you get some funny looking backsides.

Jon had a flat tire and was demonstrating how to change it fast. 😉

Kristin, me and Rebecca.  The ladies of the group ride.  😁

Getting outside and doing my workout with other people was a good thing.  I was still a little off but not so weepy and well....sad.  (Or S.A.D.) 

Sunday I had a hike and I was supposed to do some running and my coach wanted me take some times to run like I did when I was a kid.  Just go fast and do it for fun.  I had a bad attitude at the beginning of the hike.  I was tired, it was early and I didn't really want to be there.  Joe met me there when he got off work.  The plan was that he would go ahead of me and then come back to see me off and on as I did my hike.  We have done this lots of times but for some reason this particular morning I was grumpy about it.  If we couldn't hike or run together he should just go do his thing, I would do mine and see him when I got home.  He wasn't having any of that.  He basically ignored me and did his out and backs.  After I got up the first long hill there is a nice gradual down hill that last for a couple of miles.  It's a great place to really get moving fast.  Joe had come back to see me and had taken off again.  He was a ways ahead of me and I suddenly remembered what Jon had said about running like a kid. 

When I was a kid we used to race.  I'll race you to that tree.  Now I'll race you to the fence.  Now I'll race you to the end of the street.  Not long distances, just running to run and laughing about beating or getting beat by a friend or sibling. 

I decided to see if I could catch up with Joe and even pass him.  It was going to take some effort because he had gotten a ways down the road.  I did pass him and went on for a bit just enjoying the feeling of being FAST!  Even if it was just for a short distance.  I decided to keep doing this.  Joe would catch up and then pass me, I would wait a little bit and then take off after him.  I started slapping him in the butt as I went by.  This is because he always does that to me when we are doing track work or something.  If he passes me, I get a smack on the butt.  For whatever reason the whole thing, fast running, passing Joe and giving him pats on the rear, just made me smile.  I realized that I wasn't feeling grumpy or weepy anymore.  I was having fun. 

I wasn't worried about my pace or doing a particular set workout.  I was just goofing off and being silly.  It was really really fun to go fast.

I had hit the button on my Garmin to make each of my sprints a split so that I could look later to see how fast I was actually going.  (I was not supposed to be looking at my watch and worrying about anything, I was just supposed to do whatever and have fun.  Coaches instructions!) 

I had one split that was .13 long (not very far at all) but my average pace was 8:33.  That was so cool.  Then I had another one that was .38 long that had an average pace of 9:30.  I loved that because it was significantly longer and I kept the pace going.  Fun stuff.  Can't maintain that for long, and probably couldn't do it as easy on a flat road but it was sure a kick in the pants to be able to do it on that down hill. 

Being a silly runner who harassed her husband seemed to take the edge off of my bad mood. 

I took a bit of a nap when we got home (not long enough!) and then got ready to go see a play with my daughter.  This was the third night that I would be out and about way past my bedtime.  I was definitely reaching the max of what I could handle in my tired department.  I know this was not helping with the S.A.D. aspect as well. 

Last night I was able to get to bed at my more normal bedtime.  That helped a lot. 

Overall I think things are better.  But they are still a long way from being great, or even good.  I know I am doing everything I can to help myself feel better.  Controlling what I can and doing the best I can with the rest.  Not always easy. 

Another aspect that I struggle with is feeling guilty about feeling down.  I really have nothing to be down about.  Great husband, fabulous kids, a new job that is a kick in the pants, friends that love me, people that encourage me, lots of laughter and adventures.  I'm not sick, I don't have any broken bones, haven't lost a loved one, I am able to pay my bills, etc.  There are many, many people that I know and love that are legitimately going through some rough stuff.  I feel like a big whiny pansy.  Having a chemical imbalance in my brain does not sound like enough of a reason to be a sad sack. 

I think this probably is part of the reason that a lot of people don't share about struggles with depression.  There is a part of me that thinks I'm being unreasonable and shouldn't make a big deal about it since I really have nothing to complain about.  I know others who think the same way.  Double edged sword.  It seems like there should be something that is going on that is making me depressed that is a little more significant than it is dark and rainy outside.  That feels a bit silly really. 

The truth is that I am sad.  I am working on making it better. 

Exercise helps. 

Having people keeping an eye on me helps.

Taking the medication helps.

Using the happy lights help. 

Being able to acknowledge that I needed (and still need) help helps. 

I love this quote.  Just seems to capture what I'm doing right now. 

Making it work. 

One way or the other.

One day at a time.