Thursday, March 14, 2013

It's going to get easier, right?

Why does getting healthy have to be such an emotional battle?  I KNOW I am getting stronger. I KNOW I am getting faster.  And even so I still have days where I am so frustrated I just cry!  Yesterday was one of those days.  I think 75% of the time I maintain a pretty good attitude and 25% I just want to stomp my feet like a little kid and say "It's not fair!" at the top of my lungs.  Wouldn't that be a sight?

It was a long day at work.  Not a bad day, just long.  Lots of students who needed a little more than just teaching.  Kindness, an extra smile, or knowing that I cared about them as an individual.  It's one of my favorite parts of the job but it is also one of the parts that takes the most emotional energy.  When it is a day with a lot of emotionally needy kids it can be draining.  We are getting close to Spring Break and many of the students start having bad behavior because they know they have a week at home with irregular meals, not great parenting and no time to get away from a not so great life.  Can't blame them for acting up but it is so important to be consistent with expectations for them.  They need that, even if they don't think so.  :-)

I got home from work and my new swimsuits had arrived.  Ugh.  Almost no women enjoy trying on swimsuits.  Heavy women hate it!  One top was good, one was okay.  The bottoms didn't work at all.  I was frustrated and aggravated!  Earlier in the day I had seen on Facebook that a friend of mine who lives in Salem is doing the Medifast diet and has lost 64 pounds since January 8th.  That made me so aggravated!  I'm thrilled for him but don't understand why I have only lost 10 pounds in more time with eating right AND running and swimming like crazy!!  SO UNFAIR!  (I know, I know, life isn't fair!) Then I was supposed to go do my run.  Well that just didn't sound worthwhile at all!  What's the point.  I've been at this for 11 weeks!  I want change and I want it NOW!  I got on all my workout stuff and went outside.  Joe was washing the truck and we were talking about the Cascade Lakes Relay.  I don't like being the weakest link on the team.  I feel like I bring everyone else down and that they are having to wait on the slow, fat girl.  I love being included but it is hard to feel like I don't contribute the way everyone else does.  He basically told me to get over it.  :-)  In his loving way of course.  Anyway, it led into me talking about my frustrations and how I don't feel attractive.  Lot's of tears during that conversation.  It's not easy to talk about how I feel about how I look.   I want to be a Hot Momma for my hubby and I don't feel like it at all most days.  But my hubby thinks I'm a Hot Momma so I need to focus on that.  Easier said then done but I'm trying. Sigh.  Things that are difficult make us stronger, right?  Right!

So, I dried my tears.  Got a big hug from my man, who loves me quite a lot. And headed out on my run.  I was supposed to run 1/2 mile then do 8x2 sprints with 5 minutes of jogging in between and then finish up with a 1/2 mile jog.  Sounds fun, right?  I jogged over to the track at the high school because that's a little more than 1/2 mile so that works well for the first part.  I had downloaded an interval timer to my phone since my Nike+ app doesn't do that.  (Hint hint Nike, work on that, would you?  lol)  Running as fast as you can for 2 minutes seems like forever! The first four sets I did exactly like I was supposed to.  The last four sets I still sprinted for 2 minutes but then I walked (at a brisk pace) for the 5 minutes.  Joe had suggested that I just go out and do my thing and enjoy the day and do my best but not push it.  I think he didn't want my work out to add to my frustration level.  It was very warm, over 65 degrees.  Cloudy but it was so wonderfully warm!  I love Spring! 

Joe and I had to go to the store and get milk.  Running out of milk at our house is a national tragedy!  When we got home and I had a chance to look at my run on the Nike website I was surprised.  My average speed during the 2 minute sprints was around 11' mile pace for all 8 sprints.  Wow!  I know that I didn't have to maintain it for long but the fact that I could maintain it for 2 minutes 8 different times is pretty cool.  It will be interesting to see if my next run is any different after this.  I haven't figured out how to copy the graph that I can see on Nike+ so I can show it to you.  It's pretty slick.  I liked seeing the consistency of the intervals.  You could definitely see the sprints and jogs and then the sprints and walks. 

One of the things I did during this workout since it was on the track was work really hard on my form.  I have learned that keeping my shoulders relaxed, and my core nice and straight helps a lot.  I used to start hunching my shoulders when I got tired and then my back really hurt and I ran even slower.  I have been doing a lot of reading about running and one of the things I learned is that posture is very important.  It is good for you in general but it is really important for your breathing.  It's harder to breath when you are all hunched over.  You aren't giving your lungs the room to expand and get the extra oxygen your body needs while working out.  This makes you tired.  See the circle?  I was making myself tired because of lack of oxygen and then hunching more which just made me more tired.  Not good Kimosabe!  Since starting back with running since Christmas I have really worked really hard at my posture and I think it has made a difference.  I definitely have not had the tired and sore shoulders and back.  Swimming has also helped make my core stronger so that has helped with my posture as well.

This isn't an easy journey for me.  I wish I was one of those people that started running and the weight just falls off.  Or one of those people that started eating healthy and the weight just falls off.  Or one of those people that is doing both and the weight just falls off.  Sometimes I think I just have to have things be difficult.  They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  He must have a very high opinion of me! 

I swam this morning.  I have a short run on Saturday and then the Shamrock Run on Sunday.  I'm a little nervous about the Shamrock.  We will see how it goes.  (And I got my shirt yesterday and it looks too small.  I didn't try it on because that would have just added to the aggravation of the day!)

Tonight I get to go watch my son sing at his concert.  He sings with such joy on his face.  He loves performing and singing and it shows.  How can I stay in a grumpy mood when I get to see a fantastic young man do something he loves?  Not possible! 

Still running in place and getting nowhere fast but I least I'm faster.  :-) Still trying to get out of God's way.  Maybe He should just run me over! lol

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