Making Progress

I have kept moving, a little.  I did a run last Tuesday and all things considering I did pretty good.  I was expecting it to be really slow after the Corvallis Half Marathon a few days before.  My average pace was 12'44" which is decent and I didn't feel like I was dying so that was good.

I wasn't able to run the rest of the week.  A combination of homework and a kiddo that needed help getting his resume slicked up.  I got some son time out of the deal so I was happy to help.  :-)  I'll take kiddo time any way I can get it from my older two.  :-)

Easter Sunday my husband decided to go on a trail run in the morning.  I was sad that I can't run fast enough to go with him on runs like that.  This is where I really really really want to be faster.  Not so much because I'm comparing myself to him but because I want to participate with him.  He could tell something was up so I told him.  He came up with a plan.  He would run the long way to the top of Dimple Hill and I would to the shorter (and less steep) way and meet him at the top.  Then he would come down with me.  I would end up with about 5 miles total.  He would run a little over 4 miles to the top.

The weather was perfect.  Usually we have rainy Easters in Oregon, this year the morning was glorious.  The weather was perfect for a trail run.

I had decided to try and run as much of the route as I could without killing myself.  I started off too fast and then the road got really steep.  The combination made me struggle with my breathing.  So after just a quarter of a mile I had to walk.  I walked about a mile and then the road became less steep.  I was still going up but I had my breath back so I started a slow jog up the hill.  I felt like I was doing pretty good and was doing a better job regulating my breathing.  The forest was just gorgeous with the sun shining through the trees.  I got the rest of the way to the top and got an amazing view as my reward.  And I had gotten there before Joe.  Bonus.  He went twice as far as me but he is also twice as fast so I knew I was going to have to move it to get there before him.

When he got there we took some selfies together and enjoyed the view for a moment and then headed back down.  Joe had finished his first activity on runkeeper (the run to the top) and was starting a new activity as a walk with me for the trip down.  Usually this would have worked well because I'm sure that he could easily walk while I run.  Down is much easier than up, that's for sure!  I had decided to run as long as I was feeling it and then walk.  Evidently I was feeling it for over 2 miles because I ran the entire time down.  My Nike+ was saying that I was running at a 13'45" pace but I felt much faster than that.  Joe is pretty sure I was doing a low 11 minute mile pace.  I really like downhill.  Either way, I felt really good and was pretty happy about running almost the whole trip up and back.  Now I have something to work on.  :-)

Joe ran the whole way with me.  This was his comment on his "walk" with runkeeper on Facebook:

Pretty nice when the Ironman thinks you are hauling arse!

Monday I went for a run.  I really didn't want to go because it was raining and I'm still fighting a cold.  But I felt so good from my run on Sunday that I didn't want to lose the momentum so I headed out.  It was raining pretty hard when I first started but then it slowed down to drizzle and that wasn't too bad.  I was having a hard time regulating my breathing and when I heard my pace at mile 1 I realized it was partly because I was moving right along.  So I decided to keep moving right along.  I had to stop, literally at every half mile and blow snot rockets, spit and catch my breath for a moment.  Nasty!  But when I was running I was feeling really good and moving at a pretty good clip for me.

Here is a comparison of my three mile run last week and my three mile run this week.

I know it isn't always like this so I enjoy it when it happens!

This is the first run I have done that has been under a 12 minute mile average pace since the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day!  That's a long time!  Adjusting to the Metformin medication was more of a toll than I had realized.  The last few weeks have been the first runs in months that I haven't had a queasy stomach during the runs and I hadn't realized what an impact that was having on my runs.  It also takes a certain amount of effort to put ME first.  I'm not good at that on front on good days but when I have 10,000 other things that are demanding my time and attention it is even harder.   Okay, 10,000 might be a slight exaggeration but only by a little bit.

I know that the majority of running and getting healthy is about what is going on in my head.  The last few months I have been letting my negative self win but I feel like I'm getting her to quiet down some after the past week.

I also feel like I'm getting back in the groove.  Just being able to run when I need to and feel good about the fact that I am out there.  That is the accomplishment!  Running fast is a goal.  Being willing to get off my butt and do something is the accomplishment.  I need to remember to keep a balance between pushing myself to reach new goals and remembering that every time I run or bike or exercise I am successful

Which reminds me!  I'm still looking for donations towards my Tour de Cure bike ride this summer.  Check out my post Tour de Cure to get instructions on how to donate.  I have been taking some spin classes to get used to how to stand up and work on hills.  It's nice to figure it out on a stationary bike so I don't have to figure out what I'm doing and worry about falling over all at the same time.  The Tour de Cure is a great cause and I appreciate anyone who is willing to support my bike ride!!  Thanks ahead of time.

And on another note.  I have reached 10,000+ views on my blog!  Wow!  Seems crazy to me that people read all my silly (and often whiny) thoughts.  I appreciate everyone who stops by to read what I'm up to and all the encouraging things people have said, emailed or commented to me about this crazy journey I'm on.  This blog has really been a blessing for me this past year in ways that I never anticipated.  I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of this year brings in my journey to a healthier me.

Finish Lines, Not Finish Times.

Corvallis Half Marathon 2014

This post is short on pictures and long on words.  Sorry about that. :-)  Evidently I had a lot to say!

I didn't want to do this race.  I knew it would be hard since I had not trained for it.  Truthfully I was embarrassed even before I went because I knew it would be SO much worse than last year.

But I have fabulous friends that encouraged me to go anyway and just do my thing and enjoy the day.  Their arguments were as follows:

1. Even if you walk the whole thing you are awesome because you are beating everyone one the couch.
2. The weather will be sunny, you get to be outside in the sun!!
3. You can listen to music and people watch.  
4. Nobody but you cares how fast or slow you go.  Let it go.  ;-)
5. Thirteen point one freak'n miles!  That's awesome no matter how you get it done! (Don't forget the point one!)

So I let all my frustrations go (well, mostly).  I decided that I would just do my thing and participate because I could.  All week long I was up and down about it.  Mostly I was okay with knowing I would not be running it but then the disappointment in myself would creep back in.

I worked really hard on Saturday to get all of my homework done so that I wouldn't have to worry about it on Sunday.  Got that accomplished so that was a good feeling.

Sunday morning I got up and had breakfast early.  My husband, Taylor and Meighan were going to a work party at the lake so Taylor came over straight after work.  It was nice to get some time to just visit with my son.  :)  He always makes this mom's heart full.  Joe ended up getting off work later than usual so when got home they took off pretty quickly.  I was all ready to go but there was still a small part of me that wanted to find some excuse to just stay home.  But I didn't.  I got in the car and headed for Corvallis.

Pre Race picture with the fabulous Wendie!

Walking to the start line I saw my wonderful friend Wendie.  She gave me a huge hug.  She knows I've been struggling and that I really didn't want to do this race.  She has told me "You got this!" in many different ways, both gently and with a slight kick to the butt.  Nothing like starting race day with positive energy!  And it just kept coming.  Next was Josh with a big hug and "whoo hoo, it's race day!"  We wandered over to the start line and found other race peeps.  I have a large number of wonderful people that have come into my life through running.  That right there makes running worth it!!  Next we saw Betsy and Hannah, then Spencer and then Kristy and Tony.  Everyone was giving out hugs and high fives, excited to get the race going.  Hard to have a bad attitude with all that fun energy!

We got in a various spots in the line depending on our race pace.  My brother-in-law Steve found me and we got a chance to chit chat and hug.  I have wonderful brothers and sisters who bless me all the time.  And lucky me that they all have married fabulous husbands and wives that I love having in my life!  Steve is always an encouragement and just fun to be around.

The race began and I had decided to try and run a mile, walk a mile for the whole race.  That way I wasn't busting out trying to do something I hadn't trained for but at the same time I was challenging myself a little bit.  That worked out pretty well for the first 10 miles.  Then I just ran out of gas.  The last three miles were brutal.  I just wanted to sit down and have someone come pick me up.  I kept moving though and that was another victory.

I ended up with a finishing time of 3:28:04.  That is significantly slower than last year.  I am not going to figure the exact number in an effort to not be so hard on myself (but it is more than 30 minutes slower, just so you know).  These are my observations that went on during the race.  Remember, I was out there a LONG time.  I had a lot of time to observe and think.

• The sun was shining and there was a slight breeze that felt wonderful.
• There were lots of fun people cheering us on along the way.
• Oregon in the spring is gorgeous!  Cherry trees blooming everywhere, tulips and daffodils in the yards, I love it here!
• I saw Miley Cyrus.  Ok, not really but I saw a young woman with the same haircut cheering on the crowd who could have been her sister. 
• On the trail on Bald Hill there were some girls cheering people on.  Most people were just running by, focused on their race.  I waved at them and said thank you!  They waved back and were all excited that I had responded.  This was one of the miles I was running and I was catching up to a woman and they started cheering me on "Go faster, get ahead of her, you can do it!"  Made me laugh.  I told them I would pass her on the down hill.  (That woman actually ended up passing me on the last half mile of the race!)
• I saw people riding horses on the Bald Hill trail while we were running.  
• There were amazing volunteers that made sure we didn't get hit by cars.  I personally appreciate this a great deal.  I don't think I would enjoy getting hit by cars.  
• There was a couple that were on bikes cheering on a friend. I think it was her first half marathon.  She had a couple of friends running with her as well.  It was the woman I had passed on Bald Hill.  They passed me and then I passed them several times along the route.  I think we were walk/running opposite miles.  The couple on the bike cheered me on every single time they passed me.  Whether they were looking for their friend or going up ahead to be ready to cheer her on, they gave me a shout every single time.  I began to feel like they were my friends too.  :-)  
• I came to one corner at about mile 11 with a whole bunch of volunteers with these clappy noise makers. They were cheering me on and since I was kind of all by myself right then it was like having a huge cheering section just for me.  I shouted "Thank you!" over all the noise and one of the ladies close to me asked me my name.  I told her and she shouts down the street "Her name is Lisa!" and everyone starts cheering my name.  Then people at the end of the crowd shout down to the people on the next corner "Her name is Lisa!" and as I get to that corner they all start shouting my name and cheering.  lol This went on for a couple of streets.  Hard to give up with that kind of awesome encouragement!
• I couldn't find my inhaler.  My doctor had told me that if I was having difficulties I should talk while walking or running because that would help regulate the breathing better.  If I was alone I should sing.  So, for about 3 miles (miles 9, 10 and 11) I sang to whatever come on my iphone next.  lol  I sang "Let It Go" from Frozen, "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson, "I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash, "Take a Chance on Me" from Mama Mia, "Stronger" by Mandisa and "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5.  I got some funny looks from people and I'm sure I was off key since I had my headphones in but it worked and was kind of fun.   Someone somewhere could be writing in their blog about the crazy singing lady in the race.  :-)
• I spent a lot of my time praying.  Walking alone gives you good one on one time for conversations with God.  :-)  Mostly I was praying for my cousin and his family.  It felt good to lift them up in prayer.  Funny how praying for others always makes me feel better.  
• Just as I'm getting ready to start mile 12 I see my friend and co-worker standing at the corner.  Chad was there to cheer on his wife because she was walking the race with her friend (also the parent of one of my students).  So I got a fun boost for the last mile from Chad and the crew that was there for Beth and Sarah.  (You just never know when you are going to see students! lol)
• People with dogs should not stop in front of runners to get a soda from people on a bike right in front of someone in a race.  Especially when that someone knows if they stop for too long they won't be able to start again.  They were totally oblivious!
• Got a text message from my bestie while I was still on the course asking how I had done.  I told her that I wasn't done yet and she texted back that she was proud of me for being out there.  We had talked about the race on Friday night and she knew it was hard for me.  Love my friend!  Just another reminder of the fabulous people I have in my life!
• When I ran into Reser Stadium (and yes, I was running.  I always finish a race running, no matter what!) the song that came on was "Wild Thing" and for whatever reason I thought that was really funny.  
• When I was done and finally decided to hobble up the stairs to get out of Reser Stadium I saw two girls at the top of the stairs that were passing out bags of ice because it was so warm.  They asked me if I wanted one and I said of course!  Then one of the girls says "I remember you!  You waved and talked to us on the trail!"  I laughed and said yes.  I couldn't believe they would remember me from all the thousands of people that went by.  They assured me that they remembered the "fun" people.  :-)  They brought a smile to my face during the run and evidently I brought a smile to theirs too.  
• My husband sent me a text that said "Great job dear.  I knew you would just keep going."  He always believes I will make it.  :-)  Even when I don't.  
• I got sunburned.  In April.  In Oregon!  I had sunblock on but it was an older bottle and apparently it doesn't work anymore.  :-)  Oh well, guess I have a start on the base for summer.  

I had asked my friends to not wait around for me at the end of the race.  I was really embarrassed by how long it was going to take me and since I knew they were going to finish WAY before me I didn't want everyone to be sitting around for an hour or more waiting for me to finish.  I really thought I was going to be done more around the four hour mark.  No one was gathered at the finish line to cheer me on and that was a relief.  But when I came around the corner after getting my finishers medal and some water I hear a shout and here sit Josh, Wendie, Tony and Kristy.  It was nice to lay on the ground and just chill for a little bit and laugh with my friends.  I was glad they were there.  :-)

I grabbed a hamburger on the way home because I was starving.  :-)  Imagine that!  I happened to get home at the same time as my family so that was nice.  Decision time.  Do I shower and then nap with a wet head or do I take a nap while I'm still all stinky and then shower?  Normally I don't care but we were going to meet up with a bunch of the running crowd who had done the half and with curly hair, sleeping on it wet leaves me looking a bit like a haystack.  I decided to just get comfy in my recliner and sleep.  I got about an hour nap and then had to get up to pee.  All that water I had been sucking down at the race suddenly need to be gone.

Showers after a run feel so good.  Showers after a race feel even better.  I don't know if it is because the hot water feels so good on sore muscles or if it is just a wonderful feeling to no longer smell like a Yetti.  But either way, I love my after race showers!

Joe, Meighan and I headed back to Corvallis to have dinner with my fellow racers.  It was fun to just hang out and visit.  The skill level of the running people that I hang out with just astounds me.  When I'm doing the comparing thing (which I'm trying not to do)  I can't believe they even think that anything I do is worth celebrating.  But when we are all hanging out and talking about what we have done and what our next goals are, everyone is so excited and encouraging about what everyone else is doing, even me.  Gets me all jazzed up to get out and get going again.  A big shout out to Betsy for her huge PR and Hannah as well.  They have worked very hard and they are getting awesome results!  I'm so proud of you both!!!  Actually I am proud of everyone who did this race.  :-)

The next race I'm signed up for is the Pacific Crest 10K.  I have decided to notch my races down a little and work on shorter distances and getting faster.  I think I will also try to find a couple 5K's to do in May as well.  That being said, I have been asked to join a team for the Hood to Coast Relay.  Yikes!  I reminded my friend that asked me that I'm slower than dirt and her response was "We don't care, we just want fun people."  Guess that makes me a fun people.  I am going to tell her yes for sure tomorrow.  I want to be able to say that I have done that.  Another accomplishment on my list.  I need to remember that the list is pretty long and I have earned every single thing on it.

This picture was on the Run Like a Girl Facebook page yesterday and it caught my eye.

As always, just what I need to remember, right when I need to remember it.  :-)

I'm so thankful for the people in my life, family and friends near and far, who help me remember that I need to proud that I'm out there.  Last week I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I received after posting my blog.  People that I have known and loved for most of my life were immediately letting me know that they supported me and believed in me.  It was a good reminder that I have had fantastic people in all areas of my life for all of my life.  Made me feel incredibly loved.  So a special shout out to my high school friend Kari and to my number one bestie (forever!) Sheryl.  (Sheryl, dinner date soon?)  You both gave me words I needed from people who have known me way back when.  I needed that more than you can know.

 I will be working on focusing on the finish lines, not the finish times.  :-)

**Update:

A big shout out to my friend Christa who ran her very first Half Marathon on Sunday.  She rocked it (of course!) and has been an awesome encouraging friend the past year.  :-) Thanks Christa!!!

Life is a Journey....not a Destination

I haven't written anything in awhile.  To be honest I haven't known what to write since I haven't been running and have been struggling.  I am not positive, I don't feel like I've got this and I really have just not cared.  Not exactly the positive attitude I like to think I usually have.

It's hard to write truthfully about the feelings that come with defeat, frustration and sadness.  They are much more personal and by writing about these things I open myself up even more than I have before.  That alone is a little daunting.  But when I started this blog out it was with the purpose of encouraging myself and others by being real.  Sharing the real ups and downs that come with trying to improve my health.  It's not all faster runs, fast weight loss and PRs.  At least not for me.  It's a lot of gains, retreats, stops, laughter, pride and tears (both the happy kind and the sad kind).  What a roller coaster ride!!

I thought that last November/December was the hard part.  New diagnosis, new medication and it was rough but I got through it and managed to keep moving forward.  Slowly but I was going in the right direction.  The last couple of months I haven't been moving forward.  February wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either.  March was positively dismal.  I ran 6.81 miles for the entire month!  Geez!  I went farther than that today!  Pathetic.

I had a break from my grad school classes this week.  Should have been running but didn't.  I fell at work on Monday and did a number on my body.  Just add that to the list of excuses I have had lately.  I still have a huge bruise on my knee, a floor burn on one hand, a cut and bruise on my other hand and a few other bruises that have developed over the week.  I also must have hit my shoulder pretty hard when I landed because my arm and shoulder have been sore all week.  I even bent a prong on my ring (that gave me the cut on my hand).  I fell walking down the hall to the library at school.  Just like my sprained ankle last year, I managed to hurt myself doing nothing, cause I'm talented that way.   I did think about running a lot though.  Why I am not feeling it, why I am not motivated, how to get motivated again.  I also thought a lot about what am I wanting out of this.

Tuesday my husband and I were at Costco and I was talking about how two people I know have been losing weight.  One person has lost over 20 pounds in a couple of months and another over 60 pounds in about eight months.  Makes my 40 pounds in 14 months look really sad and pathetic.  I have tried to keep a good attitude about how slow the weight has come off because I know I have been dealing with other health issues that have affected that.  But it is really hard not to compare myself to others and not be really discouraged and frustrated.  I told Joe that I really wished God would just tell me what lesson I was supposed to be learning because obviously I was not figuring it out.  Joe looked at me in the middle of Costco and said "Maybe He's trying to teach you not to compare yourself with others."  Shit, I hate it when he's right like that.

I compare myself with others a lot and it is never in a good way.  I am never as fast as, as skinny as, as good as others.  I work at it but just never seem to get there.  I have talked about it here many times before how hard it is to always be the one at the back of the crowd, the slow one.  I know that none of my friends think that about me.  They celebrate all my accomplishments just as if I was doing an Ironman.  I am beyond blessed by the amazing people that I have in my life.  And I still, somehow, don't feel like I really deserve to be a part of this amazing, athletic, healthy group of people.  Like I am not enough.  I'm going to be honest and say that feeling like I'm not enough has been a struggle my whole life.  I have always had fabulous friends and I have always felt inadequate and not enough of a contributor to the group or my family.  Guess at 44 years old it is something I still need to work on.

One of the things that I have been thinking about a lot this weekend is that I can't give up just because the last couple of months have been crappy.  I'm not anywhere close to where I thought I would be at this point.  But I'm still ahead of where I was a year ago.  I need to pick myself up by my boot straps and get moving again.  It won't be pretty at first.  Once again I will be starting over.  But that is one thing that I have learned.  I'm only a quitter if I stop, completely.   As long as I'm willing to start over then I am a badass.

I am never going to be done with this journey.  I will always struggle between balancing healthy choices with unhealthy ones, whether it be food or exercise.  Even if I get to my goal weight I will have to make choices every day in order to stay there.  So I am not working towards some magical race or some magical number on the scale.  I am working towards a healthier me, both physically and mentally.  Some days (or months) are harder than others.  I'm going to try not to beat myself up so hard over the hard times.

Today I went for a hike with friends.  I call it trail therapy because it's a good reminder that I don't always have to be out running super fast or worrying about the distance.  Sometimes it is just good to go spend a few hours out in the rain, on a beautiful trail with people I love.  Bonus, I got the benefit from the exercise as well.

I am supposed to do the Corvallis Half Marathon next Sunday.  I was stressing myself out about it because I'm not sure I can run the whole thing since my training has been non-existent.  One of my friends had surgery on his knee last month and isn't up to running yet.  He's still going to do it but plans to walk most of it, run a little and if he feels like he needs to stop he's going to stop.  I'm going to walk with him.  If he needs to stop then I will keep going.  But that took some of the pressure I was putting on myself to have to run it.  I have done a half marathon without training before and it was ugly so I am happy to not put that kind of pressure on myself again.  I'm hoping the weather is beautiful and I can just enjoy burning some calories and hanging with my friends.

Today's hike was good.  I am sore right now but the good kind of sore.  You know, "Yay, I'm sore because that means I got off my ass" kind of sore.

Trail Selfie

Love living in Oregon.  Beautiful trails even on a rainy day.

Not too bad considering how long it's been.

I won't make any promises about how I will do this coming week.  I'm going to try and get out there.  I'm going to try and have a better attitude.  I've got to keep moving through my journey the best way I know how.  I need to remember to focus on the fact that it's my journey and not someone else's.  

The Shamrock Run That Wasn't

Today I was supposed to do the Shamrock Run in Portland, OR.  A 15K with some serious hills and a whole lot of green.

Today I was supposed to kick last years time to the curb and show off all my badassness.  (I know, not a real word, work with me here.)

Today was supposed to be a fun day with old friends and new friends with laughter and stories.

Today was none of that.  Instead today was about sleeping, doing homework and being sad.  Not even close to being as much fun.

I have been fighting a cold all week.  First my throat was sore, then I was coughing.  Saturday I woke up with a slight ear ache.  It wasn't too bad at first so I took some Advil and went on with my plans for the day. We drove up to my friend Christa's house to pick up my Shamrock Run race bib and shirt.  I haven't seen Christa for years and it was fun to see her and visit for a bit.  But while we were visiting my ear started getting worse and doing this weird crackling thing that made me just cringe.  We didn't stay long and headed back for home.  We stopped at the Woodburn Outlet stores on the way home because Joe needed some new triathlon gear.  At this point I was in a lot of pain.  That was a very long shopping trip.  We got back in the car and I was just exhausted and I hadn't even done anything other than try to manage my pain and wait for Joe to finish shopping.  When we got home I took some more Advil and fell asleep in the recliner.  When I woke up my ear was completely plugged, had a ringing in it and sound had this weird echo.  Kind of like when you get feedback on your phone and you get an echo of yourself talking.  Or a TV is on in another room on the same channel.  It just sounded weird.

I went to bed early and I was so tired I knew that getting up at 4:00 a.m. in order to drive to Portland, find parking and be at the start of the race by 7:30 a.m. was not in the cards.  That was a hard decision to make.  I took Nyquil which totally knocks me out and I get really solid sleep.  I only take it when I know I can sleep in or I can go to bed early enough that I will be fine in the morning.  I slept until 7:00 a.m.  It was awesome!  Between the puppy and work I can't remember the last time I slept 10 solid hours.  In spite of that I have been napping all day so evidently my body needs the rest.  So I sleep for a bit (with the puppy snuggled in) and then work on homework, sleep for a bit, work on homework, repeat.  I finally finished my homework so now I can nap some more.

Me and Bailey.  She is SO CUTE!! :-)

It has been hard to see all the pictures of my friends at the Shamrock.  They are having so much fun and I'm not there with them.  There is a teeny part of me that wants to be really hard on myself for not going, that part of me will suck me back down into my funk.  But overall I know that I made the right decision and my body (and my students tomorrow) will thank me in the long run.  I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel good enough to get back to my training for the half marathon in April.

I have been thinking a lot about my goals and what I want from my running.  I want to enjoy it and I want it to help me be healthier and more fit (as in wearing a smaller size of clothes and not wheeze when I do strenuous activity.)  I have spent much of the past three years working on long runs and have had successes, especially in the past year.  Lots of PRs and overall a faster pace.  Yet the weight comes off SO slowly and the speed goes up and down.  I know that part of that is because of the other things that have come up and my body has had to adjust to new medications and new ways of eating.  Adjusting takes time.   Knowing it and being happy about it are two different things.

I think I'm going to spend the summer working on getting faster on my 5K and 10K races.  I did four half marathons in 2013 and one big relay race.  I can go distance.  Now I want to get faster.  Funny, I totally got sucked into my first half marathon almost four years ago and I think I skipped the enjoyment of getting better at the shorter distances.  Another benefit would be the shorter runs for training during the week.  Right now work is super busy and the last quarter of the year is usually crazy.  So much content to cover, so little time left.  Trying to keep up with that sometimes puts running on the back burner.  I'm hoping that focusing on the shorter runs will make it less stressful for me.  I also have a bike ride to get ready for this summer so maybe it is time to mix things up and try some new things.   (Tour de Cure, if you want to sponsor me check out my blog about the ride: http://runninginplaceandgettingnowherefast.blogspot.com/2014/01/tour-de-cure-american-diabetes.html)

I have a habit of being really hard on myself for things that are really rather silly in hindsight.  I push myself and then get frustrated when I don't see the results I want.  Circumstances the last few days have made me really look at that and I have decided to quit doing that.  I will do my best and that's all I can do.  Some days life will get in the way of my best.  New puppy, end of the quarter craziness, sickness, activities with my family, grad school....life in general can get in the way.  I need to not look as those things as obstacles but rather see them as the beauty that is my full, crazy, wonderful life.  I have an amazing family, fantastic husband and great friends.  The only person who is criticizing my efforts in running is me.  I need to stop doing that.  The last few months have been hard.  The next few weeks look to be shaping up to be more of the same.  But I will remember I have an amazing family, fantastic husband and great friends.  Even when I don't run.

Trying to be proud. 

There are people I love that I know are in a deep, dark pain right now.  I share some of that pain but at the same time I know it pales to what they are going through.  It puts things into perspective.  When I run this week it will be to help my hurting heart.  I'm not going to run for speed or distance or for any training plan.  Even if I only run one mile it will be okay.  I will use my running time this week as my prayer time for the hurting family.  God has a way of using horrible situations to help us grow stronger. Some days though, I don't want to be stronger.  Sigh.

Sorry if I rambled a bit today.  Lot of things rattling around in my head.  Think I am actually looking forward to a Monday and the distraction of my fabulous students.  :-)  Not sure if I will wear my race shirt or not, since I didn't run.  Feels a little like I shouldn't because I didn't earn it by running.  On the other hand, I made some good choices for me this weekend that should be celebrated.  So maybe I will wear it.  Need to wear something green for St. Patricks Day anyway.  :-)

Today was the day that I was supposed to run the Shamrock Run.  I didn't and that is okay.  

In a Funk

I have been struggling the last few weeks.  There is no sugar coating it or putting a positive spin on things.  My motivation has been non-existent, my self-discpline is gone and I feel like a blob.  I try to stay positive and look on the good side of situations but that has been hard lately.  I'm not sure why.  I have not run, I have eaten crap and I have cried.  None of it good.

I have spent this weekend really examining what my problem is.  Why am I in this funk?  I went to the doctor on the 14th and it was a positive visit.  I have lost some more weight, I am doing well with my blood sugar levels and am less tired than I have been in years.  And yet after that visit I have been discouraged and fighting frustration.  You would think the opposite would be true.

I have been struggling the last few weeks.  I have been grumpy, defensive and in general not a very fun person to be around.

A few days ago I saw this video

I

I had seen the link several times on Facebook but hadn't watched it.  I was busy, I wasn't in the mood, whatever.  I finally watched it on Thursday.  I have always admired Scott Hamilton.  He was an amazing athlete and because of my love of all things Olympics I loved watching him win the gold medal.  Since then I have admired his kindness and professionalism when covering skating events and the Olympics.   

This video made me cry.  Not because he has had difficulties in his life.  But because of the way he handled them.  About eight minutes into the video is where I began to cry.  Where the nurse comes and asks him about his prayers.  If you haven't watched it, do it now.  :-)

I am a woman of faith.  I believe there is an all powerful Lord who loves me.  He loved me enough to send His only beloved son to die for my sins.  This Lord has been with me through blessings and trials. Through loss and when my cup has runneth over.  Those of you who read this and don't believe in God may laugh and scoff.  But I KNOW that He is real and I KNOW that He loves me!  That doesn't mean that I don't have a hard time and struggle.  It means that I know who to go to for comfort.  I don't expect my God to fix everything but I do know that the is there for me.  Much like my dearest friends.  Many people get angry with God because He doesn't fix things.  We don't get angry with our best friend when they can't fix a problem and all they can do is be there for us.  We are grateful for the fact that they are there and that they care enough to be there for us.  I believe it is the same with God.  How can I be angry that He doesn't fix my problems?  Instead I am thankful that He is a comfort when I am going through a tough time.  He is with me always.  

In the days since I watched the video above I have prayed for comfort.  I have asked for help in dealing with my frustrations.  And I have received much.  A friend that gave me a hug and reminded me that I have people that believe in me.  A husband that actually got angry because I was being so negative.  You wouldn't think anger would be a positive thing but it was for me.  Then this morning on Facebook I saw several posts that spoke to me.  

A friend posted this off the Facebook page "I See Fit People"

Matt's Tip of the Day:

Two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress.  I know this can be hard to remember especially when you are working so hard for something and you get knocked back by one of life's little surprises, but in the big picture, you are still moving toward your goal.  The reality of it is the road toward success is rarely a smooth ride and never a straight line.  There are always twists and turns and you may change direction now and then, but you are still moving forward.  You will feel like you are going backwards at times but as long as you don't give up, you are on the right track.  It's not easy, it's not fun, and sometimes it's not pretty, but it is important to remember, no matter how hard it is to accept, two steps forward and one step back still puts you one step closer to your goal. 

I guess I have been in the step backwards mode.  Kind of nice to know it's normal!  :-)

Then I was this meme on another friend's wall.  She is not a runner and so it has nothing to do with running or exercise at all.  And yet it struck home for me as a runner.    

I have had a hard time remembering that lately.  I haven't felt amazing at all, not even a little bit, not even a teeny tiny bit!

The final thing that helped put things in perspective today was this one!  Another friend, who is not a runner, posted this on her timeline.  

Wow!  Talk about an inspiration!  

I have been wallowing, I admit it.  I have been frustrated that no matter how much I improve everyone around me is better.  Instead of focusing on my own accomplishments I have been comparing myself to others.  I want to be able to BE with my friends during races, not just having them wait for me to finish hours after them.  Every time I make gains so do they so I never can catch up.  Not that I want them to do bad or not make gains just so I can catch up.  So then I start feeling guilty that I'm jealous.  I know that they only way to get better is for me to keep working but sometimes I just feel like I will always be the one everyone is waiting for.  Always.  

I need to get back to remembering that the only one I can truly compete with is myself.  I need to remember that improvements are improvements and are worthy of celebration.  

I ran a trail run this weekend.  It was tough.  I have done it once before.  This time I hadn't been running consistently and hadn't been doing what I needed to do in order to be ready for the hills.  But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The two big uphills weren't fun but not as miserable as I remember from three years ago.  I ran most of the down hills, except for the parts that were totally full of slick mud, it wasn't worth getting hurt.  I met a very nice woman at about mile 2.5 and we did the whole rest of the run together and talked and laughed the whole time.  She was young and skinny and beautiful and she was slow, just like me.  lol  Seemed funny to me.  We finished together with a high five.  I love the people I meet on races and it was a good reminder that people aren't thinking "OMG, why is she even trying?"  They most likely thinking "Rock on!  Good job!"  At least that's what I'm betting on.  I improved six minutes on my time from the last time I did this run.  I wish it was more but considering the lack of training I have had I am amazed that I had any improvement at all.  

I've decided to be done with my funk.  I need to get over myself.  I'm going to be happy with how far I've come and look forward to how far I am going to get.  I'm going to quit comparing myself to others and just be happy with my own improvements.  I work hard enough for them so I shouldn't discount them just because they don't compare to someone else's improvements.  

God is my comfort and my strength.  I have received many messages this weekend to remind me to keep at, I can do this!   Tomorrow is a new day.  :)  Boy, am I glad about that!

Taking a Stand

I started this blog a little over a year ago and it was totally for me.  I needed to be able to write down what I was going and how I was feeling about it.  I thought that maybe I would do better by having an outlet for my frustrations and that maybe I would be held a little accountable by the two or three people who might be reading what I was up to.

I know my blog is not one that gets shared and read by millions of people.  But it gets read by more people than I ever anticipated.  As of right now I have had over 6,450 views of my blog.  That's just crazy to me.

When I started this blog I thought maybe, just maybe someone might be a little inspired that they aren't the only one out there struggling to get healthy.  That it hasn't been an easy journey and someone is going down the difficult road too.

Sometimes I have to giggle when people comment on Facebook that I inspire them and they are the people that are already thin and healthy and look fabulous.  How am I an inspiration to people who already look like they have it all figured out?  That part I don't get.  But hey, I'm going to roll with it.

I had a good run last night.  I realized a few things while running.  First thing I realized is that I have been slacking.  Now, I will cut myself a little bit of a break because I have had some things to work through.  The medication that I started taking at Thanksgiving has caused me to have an upset stomach during my runs.  This has contributed to me being slower.  I also have not been very consistent with my training.  I  seem to have caught every cold that came around in January.  That was the pits!  The combination of the nausea and the colds running has been difficult and very slow.  I have had runs where I felt pretty good but was really slow.  At least slower than I had been doing in October and November.  This has been so frustrating because I felt like I was really making improvements in my speed and suddenly I've taken three giant steps backward.

Last night I realized that I have been kind of resting on those issues.  I haven't been pushing myself hard because my stomach was upset or because I had a cold.  I was happy that I had enough energy to get my butt out and actually accomplish a run so I didn't push myself to go faster or longer.  I did just enough.  Just enough isn't cutting it.

Last night I ran three miles on the track.  The first mile was just under 13 minutes.  It was work to get that and I was once again frustrated.  Then I decided I really wanted negative splits because I haven't done that in months so I picked up the pace.  That was even more work.  During mile two is when I realized that I hadn't really pushed myself to the point where it was really difficult in a very long time.  So I decided that I was going to have negative splits for the run and that my last mile would be under 12 minutes.

I had to really work hard to make this happen.  My breathing was difficult and I really had to work at getting it to smooth out.  My legs were tired and hurt and I wanted to stop so many times.  But I know that in order to achieve some of the things I want this year I am going to have to start pushing again.  It is really hard to do this sometimes and I had to do a lot of self-talk to keep moving.

Boy am I glad I kept moving!  This is not my best three miles but it's the best three miles I have had in months.  And because I had pushed myself and decided to get negative splits with my last mile being my fastest mile I was very excited when I looked at my splits.  That is the part I love about running.  When I push and feel crappy, sore and tired.  I can't breathe and I am pretty sure I'm ridiculous for having such silly goals.  Then I get done and realize that I did what I set out to do.  That's the part I love.  I pushed and I got it done.  I don't every time but it sure is a great feeling when I do.

Here is last night's run:

I'm smiling!  

I managed to get negative splits, kept the first two miles under 13 minutes each and got the last one under 12 minutes.  It's been awhile since I ran an 11 anything mile.  I will take it.

Next step is to get back into my training routine.  Between sickness and then snow my motivation to go out and run has been slim to none.  I have too many races coming up to let that continue.  ;-)

I found this on Pinterest today and it summed how I am feeling right now.  I've got no one to look at but myself when I don't achieve what I want.  I am a strong woman and I'm only going to get stronger!

So now I'm making my stand and I'm dealing.  That's a victory.

Pictures are Worth a Thousand Words.

Changes have come slow for me.  This has caused me to be frustrated because when I'm working hard I want to see results.  Whether it is housework, school work or my own body I want to see that what I am doing is creating a difference.  A cleaner house, good grades or smaller size in body.  This past year I have worked very, very, VERY hard at exercising and eating better in order to be healthier and lose weight.  It has been a slow, slow, SLOW process.  Slower than I like and I have found it very frustrating!  My poor family has had listen to me vent about my frustration about how slow this has been and how nothing is happening.   My husband has been saying for months that I look different, that he can see changes.  But when I look in the mirror I still see a fat stomach, saggy arms and a double chin.  I have tried really hard this year to have my picture taken.  Sounds simple but when you are a heavy person the standard operating procedure is to avoid the camera at all costs.  It's better to be behind the camera taking pictures than in front of it so that I have to see how bad things are.

Joe took my picture when we were at the hotel for the Tinkerbell Half Marathon.  It was a pretty good picture and I like it a lot.   When I was working on my blog about the race I was scrolling through my pictures on my computer and saw a picture from last April at the Eugene Half Marathon.  Hmmmmm, I thought, that seems a bit different than the more recent shot.  I pulled both pictures up and looked at them side by side on my computer screen.  Holy Crap!!  There have been some significant changes in the past year.  They had come so slowly that I didn't realize how significant they were.  I was so focused on the slow pace and the fact that the results on the scale weren't what I wanted that I had failed to acknowledge how far I had come.

I pulled up pictures from April and July of 2013 and January 2014.  Pictures are worth a thousand words.

I still have a roly poly tummy and saggy arms.  But they aren't as big as they were.  I could argue it is better tank tops that hid the flaw but I don't think so.  I can really see the differences between April and January.  I am fitter and have more muscle tone.  I can do more than I could a year ago.  I have made progress, almost in spite of myself.  :-)

I got to thinking about how much 38 pounds really is.  I decided to see what I could gather that would total up to that amount and see how it felt to hold it.  Here's the result:

I am holding a 10 pound sack of flour, a 5 pound bad of potatoes, one 15 pound hand weight and four 2 pound hand weights.  I didn't hold them for long, it got heavy fast.  Crap!  I used to lug that around ON ME!!  You won't hear me saying I have "only" lost 38 pounds anymore!  I have lost 38 freaking pounds!!!!  Yay me.  :-)  I need to start giving myself more credit for what I am doing instead of focusing on what I can't do yet.  But then, I think God has been helping with work on that aspect of my personality pretty much my whole life.  I am a work in progress in more ways than one!

I didn't run last week.  It was the end of the semester which I find stressful.  Add that to homework and I just didn't make it happen.  I did go on my first bike ride since last October on Saturday.  That was very fun.  I rode about 13 miles.  The weather was sunny and about 50 degrees, a few clouds.  There wasn't much wind.  I got to ride with three other awesome women and my hubby.  Joe said he was riding with his harem.  Lucky guy. :-)  I did better than I thought I would and my legs feel fine today.  My back has a couple of sore spots and I have a couple of spots that are tender on my sit-down.  I still don't know how Ironman competitors sit on a bike seat for 112 miles!  I'm not sure how I'm going to do it for 50 miles this summer.  We shall see.

This is a short one for a change.  There's been a lot going on so working out has been difficult.  Monday is back at it.  I have a trail run later this month.  I don't know why I sign up for trail runs when I suck at them so bad but I keep doing it.  I will be trying to get at least one hill run a week in this month and next because I also have the Shamrock Run in Portland coming up and that has a very significant hill in it.  It will be fun to see if I can do better than last year.  I sign up for events because if I don't I won't have the motivation to get my ass off the couch.  I have done a race without training and it wasn't pretty.  I HURT after for days!  I do not care to repeat that experience!  I can see doing a 5k without training but for me, anything longer and I better be putting time in on the pavement.

What are you going to sign up for to be your motivation?  If I see you out there I promise to give you a big smile and a high five!!  :-)