In a Funk

I have been struggling the last few weeks.  There is no sugar coating it or putting a positive spin on things.  My motivation has been non-existent, my self-discpline is gone and I feel like a blob.  I try to stay positive and look on the good side of situations but that has been hard lately.  I'm not sure why.  I have not run, I have eaten crap and I have cried.  None of it good.

I have spent this weekend really examining what my problem is.  Why am I in this funk?  I went to the doctor on the 14th and it was a positive visit.  I have lost some more weight, I am doing well with my blood sugar levels and am less tired than I have been in years.  And yet after that visit I have been discouraged and fighting frustration.  You would think the opposite would be true.

I have been struggling the last few weeks.  I have been grumpy, defensive and in general not a very fun person to be around.

A few days ago I saw this video

I

I had seen the link several times on Facebook but hadn't watched it.  I was busy, I wasn't in the mood, whatever.  I finally watched it on Thursday.  I have always admired Scott Hamilton.  He was an amazing athlete and because of my love of all things Olympics I loved watching him win the gold medal.  Since then I have admired his kindness and professionalism when covering skating events and the Olympics.   

This video made me cry.  Not because he has had difficulties in his life.  But because of the way he handled them.  About eight minutes into the video is where I began to cry.  Where the nurse comes and asks him about his prayers.  If you haven't watched it, do it now.  :-)

I am a woman of faith.  I believe there is an all powerful Lord who loves me.  He loved me enough to send His only beloved son to die for my sins.  This Lord has been with me through blessings and trials. Through loss and when my cup has runneth over.  Those of you who read this and don't believe in God may laugh and scoff.  But I KNOW that He is real and I KNOW that He loves me!  That doesn't mean that I don't have a hard time and struggle.  It means that I know who to go to for comfort.  I don't expect my God to fix everything but I do know that the is there for me.  Much like my dearest friends.  Many people get angry with God because He doesn't fix things.  We don't get angry with our best friend when they can't fix a problem and all they can do is be there for us.  We are grateful for the fact that they are there and that they care enough to be there for us.  I believe it is the same with God.  How can I be angry that He doesn't fix my problems?  Instead I am thankful that He is a comfort when I am going through a tough time.  He is with me always.  

In the days since I watched the video above I have prayed for comfort.  I have asked for help in dealing with my frustrations.  And I have received much.  A friend that gave me a hug and reminded me that I have people that believe in me.  A husband that actually got angry because I was being so negative.  You wouldn't think anger would be a positive thing but it was for me.  Then this morning on Facebook I saw several posts that spoke to me.  

A friend posted this off the Facebook page "I See Fit People"

Matt's Tip of the Day:

Two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress.  I know this can be hard to remember especially when you are working so hard for something and you get knocked back by one of life's little surprises, but in the big picture, you are still moving toward your goal.  The reality of it is the road toward success is rarely a smooth ride and never a straight line.  There are always twists and turns and you may change direction now and then, but you are still moving forward.  You will feel like you are going backwards at times but as long as you don't give up, you are on the right track.  It's not easy, it's not fun, and sometimes it's not pretty, but it is important to remember, no matter how hard it is to accept, two steps forward and one step back still puts you one step closer to your goal. 

I guess I have been in the step backwards mode.  Kind of nice to know it's normal!  :-)

Then I was this meme on another friend's wall.  She is not a runner and so it has nothing to do with running or exercise at all.  And yet it struck home for me as a runner.    

I have had a hard time remembering that lately.  I haven't felt amazing at all, not even a little bit, not even a teeny tiny bit!

The final thing that helped put things in perspective today was this one!  Another friend, who is not a runner, posted this on her timeline.  

Wow!  Talk about an inspiration!  

I have been wallowing, I admit it.  I have been frustrated that no matter how much I improve everyone around me is better.  Instead of focusing on my own accomplishments I have been comparing myself to others.  I want to be able to BE with my friends during races, not just having them wait for me to finish hours after them.  Every time I make gains so do they so I never can catch up.  Not that I want them to do bad or not make gains just so I can catch up.  So then I start feeling guilty that I'm jealous.  I know that they only way to get better is for me to keep working but sometimes I just feel like I will always be the one everyone is waiting for.  Always.  

I need to get back to remembering that the only one I can truly compete with is myself.  I need to remember that improvements are improvements and are worthy of celebration.  

I ran a trail run this weekend.  It was tough.  I have done it once before.  This time I hadn't been running consistently and hadn't been doing what I needed to do in order to be ready for the hills.  But, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The two big uphills weren't fun but not as miserable as I remember from three years ago.  I ran most of the down hills, except for the parts that were totally full of slick mud, it wasn't worth getting hurt.  I met a very nice woman at about mile 2.5 and we did the whole rest of the run together and talked and laughed the whole time.  She was young and skinny and beautiful and she was slow, just like me.  lol  Seemed funny to me.  We finished together with a high five.  I love the people I meet on races and it was a good reminder that people aren't thinking "OMG, why is she even trying?"  They most likely thinking "Rock on!  Good job!"  At least that's what I'm betting on.  I improved six minutes on my time from the last time I did this run.  I wish it was more but considering the lack of training I have had I am amazed that I had any improvement at all.  

I've decided to be done with my funk.  I need to get over myself.  I'm going to be happy with how far I've come and look forward to how far I am going to get.  I'm going to quit comparing myself to others and just be happy with my own improvements.  I work hard enough for them so I shouldn't discount them just because they don't compare to someone else's improvements.  

God is my comfort and my strength.  I have received many messages this weekend to remind me to keep at, I can do this!   Tomorrow is a new day.  :)  Boy, am I glad about that!