Sunday, April 6, 2014

Life is a Journey....not a Destination

I haven't written anything in awhile.  To be honest I haven't known what to write since I haven't been running and have been struggling.  I am not positive, I don't feel like I've got this and I really have just not cared.  Not exactly the positive attitude I like to think I usually have.

It's hard to write truthfully about the feelings that come with defeat, frustration and sadness.  They are much more personal and by writing about these things I open myself up even more than I have before.  That alone is a little daunting.  But when I started this blog out it was with the purpose of encouraging myself and others by being real.  Sharing the real ups and downs that come with trying to improve my health.  It's not all faster runs, fast weight loss and PRs.  At least not for me.  It's a lot of gains, retreats, stops, laughter, pride and tears (both the happy kind and the sad kind).  What a roller coaster ride!!

I thought that last November/December was the hard part.  New diagnosis, new medication and it was rough but I got through it and managed to keep moving forward.  Slowly but I was going in the right direction.  The last couple of months I haven't been moving forward.  February wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either.  March was positively dismal.  I ran 6.81 miles for the entire month!  Geez!  I went farther than that today!  Pathetic.

I had a break from my grad school classes this week.  Should have been running but didn't.  I fell at work on Monday and did a number on my body.  Just add that to the list of excuses I have had lately.  I still have a huge bruise on my knee, a floor burn on one hand, a cut and bruise on my other hand and a few other bruises that have developed over the week.  I also must have hit my shoulder pretty hard when I landed because my arm and shoulder have been sore all week.  I even bent a prong on my ring (that gave me the cut on my hand).  I fell walking down the hall to the library at school.  Just like my sprained ankle last year, I managed to hurt myself doing nothing, cause I'm talented that way.   I did think about running a lot though.  Why I am not feeling it, why I am not motivated, how to get motivated again.  I also thought a lot about what am I wanting out of this.

Tuesday my husband and I were at Costco and I was talking about how two people I know have been losing weight.  One person has lost over 20 pounds in a couple of months and another over 60 pounds in about eight months.  Makes my 40 pounds in 14 months look really sad and pathetic.  I have tried to keep a good attitude about how slow the weight has come off because I know I have been dealing with other health issues that have affected that.  But it is really hard not to compare myself to others and not be really discouraged and frustrated.  I told Joe that I really wished God would just tell me what lesson I was supposed to be learning because obviously I was not figuring it out.  Joe looked at me in the middle of Costco and said "Maybe He's trying to teach you not to compare yourself with others."  Shit, I hate it when he's right like that.

I compare myself with others a lot and it is never in a good way.  I am never as fast as, as skinny as, as good as others.  I work at it but just never seem to get there.  I have talked about it here many times before how hard it is to always be the one at the back of the crowd, the slow one.  I know that none of my friends think that about me.  They celebrate all my accomplishments just as if I was doing an Ironman.  I am beyond blessed by the amazing people that I have in my life.  And I still, somehow, don't feel like I really deserve to be a part of this amazing, athletic, healthy group of people.  Like I am not enough.  I'm going to be honest and say that feeling like I'm not enough has been a struggle my whole life.  I have always had fabulous friends and I have always felt inadequate and not enough of a contributor to the group or my family.  Guess at 44 years old it is something I still need to work on.

One of the things that I have been thinking about a lot this weekend is that I can't give up just because the last couple of months have been crappy.  I'm not anywhere close to where I thought I would be at this point.  But I'm still ahead of where I was a year ago.  I need to pick myself up by my boot straps and get moving again.  It won't be pretty at first.  Once again I will be starting over.  But that is one thing that I have learned.  I'm only a quitter if I stop, completely.   As long as I'm willing to start over then I am a badass.

I am never going to be done with this journey.  I will always struggle between balancing healthy choices with unhealthy ones, whether it be food or exercise.  Even if I get to my goal weight I will have to make choices every day in order to stay there.  So I am not working towards some magical race or some magical number on the scale.  I am working towards a healthier me, both physically and mentally.  Some days (or months) are harder than others.  I'm going to try not to beat myself up so hard over the hard times.

Today I went for a hike with friends.  I call it trail therapy because it's a good reminder that I don't always have to be out running super fast or worrying about the distance.  Sometimes it is just good to go spend a few hours out in the rain, on a beautiful trail with people I love.  Bonus, I got the benefit from the exercise as well.

I am supposed to do the Corvallis Half Marathon next Sunday.  I was stressing myself out about it because I'm not sure I can run the whole thing since my training has been non-existent.  One of my friends had surgery on his knee last month and isn't up to running yet.  He's still going to do it but plans to walk most of it, run a little and if he feels like he needs to stop he's going to stop.  I'm going to walk with him.  If he needs to stop then I will keep going.  But that took some of the pressure I was putting on myself to have to run it.  I have done a half marathon without training before and it was ugly so I am happy to not put that kind of pressure on myself again.  I'm hoping the weather is beautiful and I can just enjoy burning some calories and hanging with my friends.

Today's hike was good.  I am sore right now but the good kind of sore.  You know, "Yay, I'm sore because that means I got off my ass" kind of sore.
Trail Selfie

Love living in Oregon.  Beautiful trails even on a rainy day.

Not too bad considering how long it's been.
I won't make any promises about how I will do this coming week.  I'm going to try and get out there.  I'm going to try and have a better attitude.  I've got to keep moving through my journey the best way I know how.  I need to remember to focus on the fact that it's my journey and not someone else's.  


  1. Never, never, never give up!

  2. You are not defined by the numbers on the scale or the miles that you run. You are more glorious than all of that. I actually blogged about this very thing recently. I understand where you are coming from, but please don't let comparison steal your joy.