Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I think I'll move to Australia.
Even in Australia. :-)
Actually, last week in general was just a struggle.

I thought that coming off of a really hard triathlon that I did reasonably well would be a good thing.  It would build confidence and I would be able to push through the next few weeks of work no problem.

Well, I was pushing through but it wasn't pretty.

Swims were slow which was frustrating.

I was super tired.  I'm always tired and I've been dealing with it.  But last week I was back to being frustrated about it.

End of the school year is really tough.  Ask a teacher.  Any teacher.  Even with the most amazing kids that love school the end of the year is tough.  Lots of testing, lots of kids thinking more about summer than learning.  Lot's of extra energy to motivate and keep kids on task is needed.  It's exhausting.

So I'm teaching, working out, being a mom and a wife and trying to keep up with laundry, cleaning, cooking.

And I felt like I was doing absolutely none of it well.

Not one thing.

I was doing it all.  Nothing got forgotten or overlooked.  (Except maybe cleaning the toilets, I need to take care of that! Yuck!)

But a lot of it was getting done with tears.  Not fun to be around a person that can't seem to accomplish anything unless she cries about it first.

We did a trail run last Wednesday and I had to walk more than I ran.  I was having a hard time breathing on the stupid hills and my legs felt like they had weights on them.

During my swim the next day I just could not seem to go faster no matter how hard I tried.  I felt like I was swimming through jello.  Yucky green jello.  A couple of months ago I was averaging 2:35 a 100 yards.  The last few weeks (except for the triathlon) I have been averaging 2:50 a 100 yards.

I stopped after 500 yards and cried.  For two minutes.  Mostly because you can't cry and swim, your goggles fill up with tears and that doesn't work well.  I was just frustrated!

How am I supposed to do an Olympic Triathlon if I can't even swim 500 yards at a decent pace and then I'm crying on top of being slow.  Ugh!!

That was on Thursday morning.  I worked all day.  When I got home I had to take my daughter to Corvallis for a make up Driver's Ed class since she had to miss her class on Monday.  I had planned to take my bike along and do my ride in Corvallis and then sit in the lobby where her class was and grade papers.    Sounds like a reasonable plan.  But just the thought of having to wait until after 8:30 p.m. to even be home and just relax had me crying before I ever got out the door.

I'm just not sure I can handle workouts and being a wife/mom/teacher in May.  Which then leads me down the path of thinking that if I can't do this Olympic really well then maybe I should just give up now.  I don't just want to do one, I want to do it well.  And everything is getting slower instead of faster.  What the hell!!?

I know I've been in the dumps or teary too much when Joe starts giving me ultimatums.  :-)  "Talk to your coach and tell him how you are feeling or I will."  Geez.

I was planning on emailing Jon already.  He had told me to let him know if I was struggling to maintain balance and I was not allowed to fib about it.  Actually he said, "NO FIBBING!!" Shouty caps!  I take that seriously!  :-)  My decision to email Jon just happened to coincide with Joe's ultimatum.

I went on my bike ride.  It was a nice ride and I had great weather.  I am really enjoying my bike now that I'm more comfortable on it.  I had lots of opportunities to practise stopping and starting which is always good.  Helps build my confidence.  :-)  Which, evidently, I'm in short supply of at the moment.

I headed back to where Meighan's class was and changed my clothes.  Then I got settled in on a couch in the lobby to grade papers.

I emailed Jon first.

I cried the entire time I was typing.

So stupid.

Basically just told him that while I was getting it all done I was tired and frustrated.  I unloaded.

Felt pretty stupid crying in the lobby of the LBCC Corvallis campus but I had a hat on and I was sitting in the corner.  I don't think anyone noticed.  ;-)

Now I am pretty easy on the water works in general so when I'm in really bad shape it isn't pretty.  Makes it harder to fake it till I make it when I keep overflowing.

Jon made some changes to my workouts for the weekend.  I kept the brick (bike and run) but didn't have a hike.

Because we were going to be going to Lincoln City to support a friend during a competition we needed to get out workouts out of the way Saturday morning.  Lucky us, we managed to workout during the most rainy portion of the weekend.  Joe had a four hour bike ride and I had a one hour bike ride and a 25 minute run.

We got soaked.

I changed out of my wet clothes and put on dry running clothes.

I got soaked again.  lol

But it was worth it to not start out my run with soggy socks and clothes sticking to me.  :-)

Bike went well and run was way better than I had been doing.  I was supposed to run six minutes and walk one and repeat.  During the six minute run portions I was averaging a low 11 minute mile.  Helps that it was cooler and breathing was easier.

Then we headed to the coast to see my BFF rock a crossfit bikini competition.  The competition is about looking fit.  Let me tell you, she was fit as hell!!  The whole show had men and women.  There was body building, physique, and all kinds of different categories.  It was fascinating.  I don't know what was more fun, people watching the competitors or people watching the audience.  Not boring either way!

My friend looked amazing!  She has worked incredibly hard for months and months.  It's been fun to be working towards my goals and see her at the YMCA working towards hers.  Especially since she has been most consistent and supportive friend since the first time I laced on my running shoes and tried to run.  :-)  I can't even begin to describe how proud of her I am.

We got our picture taken together after the show.  Seriously!  Look at those muscles!  You don't get tone and fit like that without serious effort both in workouts and how you eat.  That takes dedication.  So proud.
I can't even begin to say how proud of this lady I am!!
One little problem crept in for me after the show.


Now here's the thing.  I don't have any interest in doing a crossfit bikini competition.  I thought the ladies who did it were amazing and I have watched what it takes to get there and I admire it hugely.  But it's not something I'm interested in working towards for myself.

So why the comparison?  I looked at the picture with my friend and I hated that I look fat in the picture.  (Don't get mad Faylene!  I love the picture and don't, all at the same time.)

No matter how much progress I make, I'm still the fat one.  

No matter how much progress I make, I'm still the slow one. 

No matter how much progress I make, I'm still the least fit one.  

Progress is great.  I'm proud of myself for how far I've come.  Sometimes it's just hard to always be at the back of the pack.  Seems like no matter who I'm working out with or where I'm working out, I'm at the back.  Sometimes I get tired of looking at other people's butts because EVERYONE is in front of me.  :-)  (And Melissa, you don't count, you are injured.  When you aren't injured you kick my ass!!)

Why am I sharing this?

Because it's real.  

I share this stuff because I KNOW that I'm not the only one who struggles.  I KNOW that I'm not the only one who gets frustrated with the journey.  I KNOW I'm not the only one who looks at pictures of themselves and cringes.

Sometimes it is just nice to know that there is someone else out there who gets it.  

I had no workouts on Sunday or Monday.  My coach told me to take a breather.  On Sunday I took a nap and got caught up on some housework.  It was tempting to go hiking with my husband.  I almost went anyway.  But I am working with a coach and part of that is doing what he asks of me.  I told him I'm tired and he told me to rest.  So I'm going to listen and rest.  Who knew that not working out would be hard?  lol   Monday I came home from school and just relaxed on the couch and read a book.  That was a little easier to manage since I had worked all day and was tired.

I took the time to rest and work on readjusting my attitude.

One of the things I've learned on my very long journey is that getting in a funk happens to everyone.  I have learned to be quicker to ask for help and work on the attitude adjustment.

I still have a few weeks of school left.  I'm still a little teary.  But I haven't given up.  I will keep working hard.  I will try and not go too far down the road of self-doubt and comparison.

So while it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.  I don't really want to move to Australia.  (However, I would have no problem at all heading there for a vacation!!)

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