I'm Just Not Motivated

I've been struggling.

I've been struggling in a big way.

Tears, frustration and feeling like a big, huge blob.  

I was telling a friend that I feel like I'm stuck in a loop.

• I am tired and sad and know that I will handle life better if I am exercising.
• I go out and exercise and because I've gained so much weight I am slow and everything hurts.
• This frustrates me and I give up.
• Then I'm mad that I gave up and use food to comfort myself.  
• Start back at step one. 

Round and round I go.  

I just haven't been able to find that switch or gear or whatever you call it to get my motivation going. 

I will admit, I had decided to just let it go until the end of the school year.  Why fight the battle that I'm obviously not winning or even making any kind of traction in the right direction? 

This has been the story that has been running around in my brain for a couple of months.  

Then today happened...

I teach a class called AVID.  I have had this group of students for three years.  We started when they were freshman and they are now juniors in high school.  AVID stands for Advancement Via Individual Determination.  We are a tight group and the kids refer to us as a family.  This past year has been really hard for my little AVID family.  These kids have had to deal with a lot in this pandemic.  They are taking on jobs to help their parents, trying to do online school while taking care of younger siblings that are also doing online school, sick parents, sick grandparents and a long list of other things that are hard during normal life.  Exponentially harder during a pandemic.  

In our class there is an agreement for the students to maintain C's or better in all their classes.  This has been really hard for some of them this year, because of the long list of things I mentioned before.  A big part of my job as their teacher is to support and encourage them while helping them learn skills that will help them be successful in life.  This year they have needed the support and encouragement more than anything else.  Haven't we all?

But life and responsibilities don't go away, even in a pandemic.  

Even for high school students.

Today I was catching up on grading for my AVID kiddos and was getting more and more frustrated.  Missing work, crappy work, videos off during Zoom calls, not responding to questions, etc.  I was over it!  I was ready to give my class a serious talk!!!

They log into the Zoom class, no cameras on, nobody responding to me at all.  

This just added fuel to the fire.  

I let them have it.  

Big talk about how there are times when we need to suck it up and get things done even when it's hard.  I was disappointed in them and frustrated with the effort I was seeing.  They needed to suck it up and make school happen.  I talked to them about how frustrating it was for me to know they are struggling but having no way to know what is going on or  what I can do to help them.  

I told them I was tired of hearing "I'm just not motivated" from students (all of them, not just this class).  

Then I had a little niggle in the back of my brain.  

Well shit.

I have been doing the same thing with my weight and exercise.  

The kids are doing it with assignments and school.

I sat back in my chair.  

I have an agreement with this group that I won't ask them to do anything that I'm not willing to do myself. 

Crap.

Crap on a cracker!

I looked at the camera and told the kids I have been saying the same thing about working out.  

If I expect them to stop using that excuse then I guess I have to as well.  

I was honest with them about the struggle I am having.  They know about my racing and exercising in the past.  

So I made an agreement with them.  My version of sucking it up would be to pick a 5k race to do in May and do the Couch to 5k to get ready for it.  I would show them my Garmin workouts so that I'm accountable to them.  They will turn in their work (quality work) and improve their grades, not just in my class but in all of their classes.  

I got home from work, changed my clothes, got Finn and headed out the door.  

Day 1 of the Couch to 5k is in the books.  

I'm pretty sure it's going to be hard on more levels than just being slow.

I'm pretty sure there will be days I want to quit and give up.  

I'm pretty sure that there will be times that I will be mad that I'm back to this weight and back to being slow.  A 5k is a far cry from half marathons and Olympic triathlons!

But I'm also pretty sure that I have a fabulous group of students that needed a butt kicking today and in the process of providing that for them I managed to kick my own.   

Didn't even know that was possible!

So here we go.  

Found this virtual race at the beginning of May.  I'm going to show it to the kids tomorrow and see if they are good with it.  But they know I love Star Wars and I think they will get a kick out this one.  

One Day at a Time

In the last two weeks I have done seven workouts.  

• Strength Training 2.5 hours
• Bike Ride 7.25 miles
• Running 3.7 miles
• Hiking.  7.5 miles

It's been great to feel like an active person again.

It's been hard because everything hurts.  

When you are a heavy person that is starting on the road to becoming a healthy person, the beginning of the journey is painful on many levels.  

I'm very familiar with this since my journey has been a series of gains and setbacks.  

So if you are a person who is deciding that 2021 is your year and you are going to get moving, I have some things for you to keep in mind.  

When you first start being active, you are going to be sore.  Everyone will acknowledge this.  So be prepared for a few days of muscles complaining about being used.  

What a lot of people don't realize is the discomfort beyond just sore muscles.  

Right now my knees hurt.  When I sit for awhile and then stand up, everything hurts and I walk funny.  

It would be really easy to be discouraged by this.  I have been working out consistently for two weeks and I'm in quite a bit of pain.  

Most of this is directly related to the amount of weight that is pushing down on all the parts of my body that I'm trying to improve.  

It would be SO EASY to get discouraged and give up.  

If you are starting on this journey I am telling you to take some Advil and keep moving!

It will get better.  

You will have sore days and days where things hurt.  

But there comes a point where the sore is the kind of sore from a strong workout.  Not from the stress that the extra weight is adding to your experience.  

Today I was doing a run workout, a Couch to 5k workout just for fun, and it was rough.  It wasn't necessarily hard, it just hurt.  I was a bit discouraged by the struggle after trying to be really consistent for two weeks.  

I know what it is to be sore after a solid workout.  

I also know what it is to hurt because I'm starting my journey to a healthy me again at a large number in the weight column.  

The thing that is keeping me going is that I also know, because of my experiences in the past, that it WILL get better. 

As long as I keep moving. 

It's going to be a struggling on many levels when I go back to work on Monday.  

I'm sure it won't be pretty most of the time.  

But I'm going to keep trying.  

Saw these signs on my run today and while I'm pretty sure that they are referring to the pandemic, however they spoke to me on my journey of fitness and health.

I hope that if you are just starting out or starting over you will join me in making 2021 about being a healthier person.  

Don't give up.  

You aren't alone.

One day at a time.  

Yep, good things to focus on.  

I believe in you!

Guess I better give myself the same consideration.  😁

I'm Trying...

Today I packed away Christmas.  

If you know me at all, you know this is really early.  Usually I wait until the last weekend of my winter break before I finally start putting Christmas away.  

But this year, as it has been with so many things, was weird. 

We got to have a super quick visit from our son that lives in Arizona the weekend of December 12th.  Our youngest was also going to be home from college that weekend.  My husband, smart man that he is, suggested we have our Christmas on the 12th since we would have two out of three kids home.  He came up with this idea about a month before the 12th, which meant I had to kick my Christmas shopping into high gear.  (Thank you Amazon!)  I also had to get everything ready for our oldest daughter who lives in Massachusetts so that she could have her presents arrive before the 12th so she could be part of our early Christmas.  

We had a fabulous time.  Bri joined us on a video call and it was almost like having her here with us.  Except it was missing the all important hug aspect.  

I think I'm ready!

Santa got my message and filled stockings early!

Matching PJ's for the cute couple!

Bri loved her present from her daddy.  💜

We had originally planned to try and go see Bri during my winter break.  But due to COVID restrictions that got increasingly strict we weren't able to go see her and she wasn't able to come see us.  I'm actually surprised we were able to get Taylor and Lauren here for a visit.  

With parents that have health issues and my husband's job as a first responder we felt it was better to play it safe and not visit our parents over Christmas.  This made for a very different holiday for us.  Usually we are spending time with the three different families and seeing all parental units and as many siblings and nieces and nephews as possible.  

Since we couldn't go to Boston and we had chosen not to see the parents it made Christmas very strange.  We decided to rent a house from some good friends that is at the beach for two nights.  We had some very good friends that have been a part of our "bubble" join us for one night.  We watched movies, made pizza, laughed, talked, cried and had a really great and low key Christmas.  I have realized in the last few months that I am so busy enjoying the moment and trying to soak it all in that I am not taking many pictures.  The memories in my mind are more important than stopping every five seconds to take pictures.  

Joe and I walked on the beach on Christmas Eve.  It was really warm.  Warm enough that we had to take off our jackets.  Which is crazy for Oregon in December!  There is something very soothing about the beach and the sound of the ocean.  We looked for shells, heart shaped rocks, sea anemones and star fish in the tidal pools and enjoyed the sunshine and the time together.  

Joe made me a heart shaped rock.  😍

Couldn't ask for more beautiful weather!

T-shirts on Christmas Eve...what?

I have spent the first week of my Winter Break working on remembering that exercising is good for me, physically and for my mental health.  I made a goal to do something active every day starting on Monday.  

Monday I did some strength training in the garage.  It felt good to lift the weights and do all the stretches, even though later I was so sore!  

Tuesday Joe and I went to Silver Falls State Park.  He had a long run to do and I just wanted to move.  I decided to start on the Rim Trail and work my way around the falls as if I was doing the race for Run Wild.  I walked up hills and tried to run the down hills (more like a really, really slow trot).  I was struggling with my heart rate getting super high when I was running and by the time I got to the North Falls I also was feeling shaky.  Joe had started on the Rim Trail with me but then had taken the Winter Falls trail and looped around to the North Falls from the other side of the river.  He met up with me on the stairs when I was taking a break and having a snack.  

I decided that instead of doing the entire falls loop and just getting super frustrated and mad that it was slow and I was struggling, I would just retrace my route back on the Rim Trail.  

This is going to sound silly but that that was huge for me on several levels.  

First, I cut myself some slack and didn't try and do something that was just going to make me miserable for no reason. 

Second, I made a conscious choice to do what would make me feel like I was having fun.  And not make me miserable for the rest of the day.  

I enjoyed the hike back to the car.  I ran some, I walked some.  I stopped and took pictures and just enjoyed the fact that I was moving.  

Wednesday I did another round of strength training.  Ouch.  My body is yelling at me since I'm trying to remind it that I have muscles and they need to be used.  Evidently there are ab muscles under all that stomach flab.  lol  

Thursday we walked on the beach.  While I didn't run or make it a "workout", I am trying to remember that any day that I get out and move is a good day.  Bonus if I get sunshine and time with my hubby while I'm doing it.  

Friday was Christmas.  We were at the beach and we woke up to a downpour.  I just couldn't get excited about getting out there and making it happen.  I completely wienied out.  lol  

Saturday we cleaned up the house, laundry, dishes, packing, etc.  When we got home we unloaded the car and did laundry and put things away.  That was the extent of my workout. 

Sunday turned out to be amazing.  Another bright, sunshiny day that was relatively warm considering the time of year.  I decided that I should take down the Christmas tree and get the tree down to the curb to be picked up.  I didn't feel like leaving it up through the whole break and having to deal with it right before I went to work.  While there were many things about Christmas that I enjoyed and filled my heart, I REALLY missed my kids and have been struggling with that.  Once the tree was down, I just decided to keep going and packed away all of the Christmas decorations.  The only thing left is the Christmas lights outside and I will leave those on until New Years Day.  

Once I got done packing up Christmas I decided to go on a bike ride.  It was so beautiful out and I knew I would regret not taking advantage of it.  I didn't feel like walking/running so I thought a chill bike ride would be good.  I don't think I have done a bike ride since early October!  It was awesome.

I didn't try and go fast and I didn't try and go far.  

But I went!

I had to do a lot of wiggling and jiggling to get into my riding clothes.  

I'm really struggling with bloating, on top of the weight gain, so that makes it hard to get into my workout clothes.  It would have been really easy to use that as an excuse to not go.

That has been my normal for the last few months.  If it is to hard or there are difficulties, then bag it. 

I'm trying to change that attitude.  

Didn't quite get there on Christmas.  I have run in the rain before but it was just too much work this time.

I didn't want to continue that today.  

So I jiggled, and danced, and shimmied and got all my riding clothes on.  

Bonus!  I could still breathe and I could still bend over.  (Gaining weight sucks!)

The ride was awesome!  The wind was a little chilly so I was glad I wore long pants and a jacket.  But the sky was blue, I could see mountains in the east and it was quiet on the roads I was on.  

I loved that I didn't have a time or distance requirement.  

I loved that the reason I was riding was just because I wanted to.  

I had a blast.  

The downside to starting over is how hard it is, both mentally and physically. 

I know that I've tried to avoid saying that I am starting over.  

But the reality is, in a lot of ways, I really am.

When you start the journey to being a healthier person physically, it is not easy at the start.  

I have gained so much weight back that the workouts that I have done the last week have made everything hurt.  

My knees hurt.

I'm sore all over. 

It hurts to sit down to pee.  

Then it hurts to stand back up again. 

If I had no other frame of reference, I would say this is ridiculous and I would quit. 

Lucky for me I know better.  

I know that I have to get through the ouchy part in order to start seeing gains.  Gains in my physical abilities, weight loss and my mental fitness.  

So many levels of ouch right now. 

One week of making sure I am actively moving.  

I have another week of break before I have to be back at work.  

I am wanting to work at being active every day when I am working.  

That has been hard this 9 weeks since I don't have a prep and I am so very DONE by the end of the day.  

But I'm still going to try.  

I may not being 100% successful.

I may not be anywhere close to where I was or where I want to be.

My mental health feels like it's all over the place.  Some days I feel like I can totally handle all the weird.  Other days I just want to crawl under a rock and give up.  

But I am NOT giving up.  

I'm still trying.

Focusing on the Positive

2020

I don't think this is a year that anyone is going to forget! 

So many hard things about this year.  

No hugs

No parties.

No celebrations.

No visits from family.

No school (and how many kids never in a million years thought that would be a downer!)

Wearing masks.

No races.

No events.

A whole lot of No.

I have a spot on my wall by the front door where I hang pictures of our adventures.  I realized today that I haven't updated it for a long time.  Basically since 2019.  That might be because in the midst of all that has gone on it has been hard to remember that we have been able to have adventures, have smiles and show love.  

So I decided to go through my pictures and get some printed up so I could change them up.  

Wow!!  

So many adventures!

So many smiles!

And so much love!

I didn't even take pictures of half of it!

So these are just for fun and to remember that in spite of all the hardships, there has been a lot of amazing along the way too.  

In February, right before the pandemic hit and life went completely sideways, Joe and I took a little quick trip to Disneyland.  We were invited by our son who was going with some friends.  We got to see Meighan too since she is attending college down there and was close by.  It was incredibly fun to see our kids and also meant a lot that our grown kids invited us to their trip because they genuinely enjoy having their parents around.  

Love this kids, wish Bri could have been there too.  Then it would have been perfect!

March

While it's a bummer way to end your freshman year of college, Meighan was able to store all her dorm stuff and get a flight home before things got even crazier!  Was nice to have her home safe and sound when everything was so uncertain.  

Finn and Meighan reunited!

Joe and I were able to get some hikes in and enjoy some of the local places we love.  McDowell Creek is one of our favorites!

McDowell Creek

April

While I was really, really missing my students I did have a few opportunities in the spring to help out with different events so I got to smile and wave to kids.  Better than nothing.  I never realized how much I smile when I see people until I was wearing a mask and knew they couldn't see my smile or excitement over seeing them. One of my AVID students said it was okay, she knew I was smiling because of how my eyes crinkled up. 

Passing out Chromebooks at the high school.

We did a Pure Endurance event around Bald Hill.  Everyone started at different spots around the loop and did whatever distance they were supposed to for their training.  So even though we didn't get to be together totally or run together, we got to pass each other and smile and wave.  Which early in the pandemic was amazing!!!  Human connection is SO important!!!

Bald Hill run, proof of workout.  ;-)

We snuck off to Sisters with our good friends and had some hiking adventures, lots of games and a lot of talking.  So much talking and even more laughing.  If nothing else, 2020 has been a good reminder of how important positive interactions with people we love is!!

The view of the Sisters never disappoints!

May

Next adventure was the McKenzie Pass ride.  I still can't believe I rode my bike to the top.  I seriously can't wait to do it again!!  We drove up there later in the summer and I was a bit astounded that I had ridden my bike up that steep, windy road!

One of my AVID students decided to do a painting for me for her art class.  She wanted to do one of Finn since she helps me out with him on days I work late at school and Joe is at work.  It turned out so amazing.  Just another reminder of the different ways people show love.  This was a whole bunch of love!!

During the quarantine Joe spent a lot of time researching kayaks and we finally bought one.  It's an inflatable and we tried it out on a camping trip to Southern Oregon.  The event we were supposed to participate in may have been cancelled but we still had a great time camping and getting a break from all the crazy that was going on.  

June

Another event cancelled but we lucked out and the state parks started opening the week before this trip was scheduled.  We spent the weekend in Florence.  Another nice break from the crazy and the bonus was my work twin and her cutie patootie son came and had dinner with us at the campground.  

Talked my good friend into dusting her bike off and working out with me towards a big ride at the end of the summer.  This was one of our first adventures together on the bike.  So much laughing...and a few squeals!  lol

Always the addition of hiking adventures with Joe.  We went up to Opal Creek.  It was the first time I had been there and it was gorgeous.  Couldn't go through Jawbone Flats because of the quarantine but it didn't matter.  Love spending time with this guy!

Joe and Finn exploring the rocks at Opal Creek

July

We had the opportunity to go white water rafting in July with some friends from work.  One of my students and her family were the guides on the adventure.  We had a total blast!!  They made us dinner after the float and then breakfast the next morning.  Usually I am the one fussing and serving everyone so it was weird to just sit and relax.  Took some adjusting but I finally took a breath and relaxed.  

My head is one of the round dots out in the river, did a little body surfing through the Elevators

White River Waterfalls.  So Beautiful!

In July my beautiful friend and teammate was doing her solo Ironman.  Her event in Santa Rosa, CA was postponed because of the pandemic but she decided to go for it anyway.  We spent the day at Foster Lake supporting her and her amazing day.  Joe swam, rode and ran with Rebecca and ended up dong about a half-Ironman distance.  I stayed at the transition and was basically the race coordinator.  I sent people where they needed to go to help or support, sent people to get things or deliver things that were needed and basically was the biggest cheerleader all day long.  It was so much fun to have all the teammates and friends come and go throughout the day.  I had a complete blast and supporting doing her awesomeness was epic!!!  Definitely a highlight of the summer. 

August

In August we took one last camping adventure and made our way to Joseph, Oregon.  Josh and Wendie joined us for a few days.  Lots of hiking, laughing and making of great memories.

Wallowa Lake

A few weeks later we got to drive up to McKenzie Pass and cheer our friend and coach finish his marathon that he was doing with his brother.  There was an incredibly huge amount of butterfly's all over the top of the pass.  They were everywhere and it was so cool to sit and just have them flying all around us while we waited for Jon and Matt to arrive.  

One last camping trip before I went back to work completely.  Had fun with our long time friends Dwayne and Faylene and had a blast getting to know some new people.  Smiles all around!

September

Getting ready for my 50 mile bike ride goal (because I had turned 50 last November) we had a few longer bike rides.  There was a flat tire adventure but the guys got it figured it out.  

You know you are loved when a friend drops off a card that makes you cry and some goodies to keep me going through the beginning of distance learning!

In September we spent the weekend at the Grand Lodge in Forest Grove so that I could accomplish my goal of a 50 mile bike ride.  I just realized that I didn't even write a blog about this epic adventure!!!  Probably because my job is consuming a lot of my time right now and then the last thing I want to do when I get home is look at a computer screen, even for fun.  

That being said.  We rode the Banks to Vernonia trail which is an old railroad line that has been paved.  It's 21 miles one way so in order to bump up the distance to make 50 miles we had to do a couple little off shoots.  We had the BEST time!  Stopped every 10 miles or so to take a break and have a snack.  (Or rest the butt.)  We laughed, we talked, we chatted with others on the trail.  The fall leaves were just starting to change and it was so beautiful.  The weather was a little drizzly at the start but never felt cold and by the end I had taken off my jacket and was just in short sleeves.  

On the way back there was a long stretch where it is a steady low grade downhill for about five miles.  Joe, Josh and Wendie let me be in the front and it was just a kick to be cruising down the path, going fast and playing bikes.  Smiles for miles for sure.  

I had pushed a wrong button on my watch early on so I had split my ride into half.  So we were relying on Joe's watch to have the official 50 mile mark.  When we were getting close to the parking lot he said we might have to stop and turn around and go back for a bit.  I said if we stopped I might not get going again. So when we got to the parking lot we did a few laps around the parking lot to be sure we got to 50.  The people getting ready to head out on their hike or ride were looking at us so funny!  Made me giggle.  Josh made sure they knew what was up and then people in the parking lot were applauding and cheering me on.  Not going to lie, it was pretty fun!

I just rode 50 miles smile!

Love that these two dusted off their bikes just so they could be part of my adventure!

This was at the start of the 50 mile bike ride.  The smiles were big from start to finish!

The very next weekend was Joe's Best in the West.  We thought we were going to be able to do this event, not quite like normal but at least in person.  But the smoke from many forest fires made that impossible.  So instead it was a virtual race.  Joe was able to go up to the lake and participate with some of the Best and the West people around cheering him on.  We have missed seeing the amazing Blair and Staci all summer so at least we got a little interaction with them during the event, virtual or not.  

I did my event the next week.  I had signed up for the AquaBike.  It was my 5th year doing an event at Best in the West so I was going to be earning my Five Year Belt Buckle!!!  Talk about motivation to make sure I earned that hardware!  The swim was terrible but I didn't care at all.  It was so nice to swim in a lake and feel like I was doing something!  The bike ride was solid and I had a lot of fun enjoying the beautiful fall day and the ride.  

There was an award ceremony online a week later.  It was fun to see a lot of familiar faces on the Zoom call.  Big shoutout to Blair and Staci for making things fun, even when it's not the way we would have liked.  Joe got second in his age group, fourth male overall and 10th place.  I got first, last and everything in between as I was the only one to do the AquaBike.  lol  

Award Night for Best in the West

October

October brought another trip to Sisters and a beautiful hike along the Deschutes.  More memories and laughter!

A sweet friend send me flowers and cookies just because she was thinking of me.  It had been a really hard day at work and this was just the thing to put a smile on my face.  Thank you Kelli!!!

There are a lot of things that are making me teary right now.  My job is stressful and I really really miss seeing my students in person.  The holidays are looming and knowing that they will not be normal gathering of my awesome family is hard.  Especially knowing that my kids are far away and travel is difficult with the pandemic.  We miss them so much and seems one thousand times harder to have them far away with all the uncertainties right now.  

But if the next two months of 2020 are anything like the rest of the year so far I know that there will blessings along the way.  There will be smiles and encouragements and memories being made.  That is what I will be focusing on!

One last major positive about this year!  The amazing guy who has had to be holed up with me through all the crazy.  His encouragement during this fall while I struggle with distance learning and the efforts to connect with kids through a screen he has been amazing!  Little things like sending me texts like this in the morning have made such a difference for me.  Hard to go wrong when you have someone who believes in you but also holds your hand and lets you cry when it gets hard.