Breathe

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

In.

Out.

Breathe.

Such a simple thing.  We do it 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for our entire life.

And yet.....

Some days it's hard to remember to just....Breathe.

I have a tendency to worry and get in my own head about things that are big and stressful.

I feel like I'm someone going a little cray cray.

However, I know that one way or another the things I'm worried about will work themselves out.

Finally got the results from the heart rate monitor that I wore for a week.  There were a couple of things that popped but nothing that couldn't be explained by exercise so my doctor is pretty happy.  The last week I haven't had an issues with the heart rate getting ridiculously high when working out so it seems that the methyl has finally worked it's way out of my system.  I had been doing the "what if?" game and worrying that it might be something else that would be a more permanent worry.  I go in to see doctor on Monday just to go over the results together in person and make sure that there isn't anything else I need to do to keep my heart happy.

That worked out in a way that made me relieved and reduced some stress for sure.

The other thing that has been stressing me out this month is that my sweet Bailey puppy has been sick.  At first we thought she just had an infection and she took antibiotics for a week but didn't get better.  The vet did blood tests and we found out she was severely anemic.  This was not a good thing.    We did another treatment plan to see if it was an autoimmune problem but the vet wasn't sure this would help.  He was pretty sure she had bone cancer.

I spent most of April watching my sweet girl get sicker and sicker.  It was so hard to watch her be less and less interested in anything.  I was preparing myself for what was coming but trying to hold onto hope that she would get better.

Friday she crossed the Rainbow Bridge.  She was with me when it happened.  She was only three years old.

Such a sweet face.  💜  This was taken on Wednesday.

I have never had a sweeter pet.  She was the most loving and silly puppy.  Full of energy and spunk and always ready to give me a good cuddle.  I loved her from the first time I held her when she was only two days old.  I loved training her to be a therapy dog, she was so smart.  My favorite thing was taking her on hikes.  She loved to run and was so good about being by me when other people went by us on the trail.

Bailey at one week old.  She already had my heart. 

Tennis balls were her favorite toy.  She would lose them all over the house.

When I had bad days at work she would get up in the recliner and give me Bailey kisses.  I have never been a huge fan of dogs licking me but for some reason I never minded it from Bailey.  Hard to stay sad when you have a sweet boxer giving you kisses, just saying.

Every time we did selfies there are a few like this.  😄

So this worry is also resolved.  Not in the way I wanted.  It hurts really, really bad and I know it's going to for a bit yet.

I also know that it will get better.

I also know that the grief I'm feeling over my pet is nothing compared to what people I love have gone through losing a parent or a child.  But even knowing that, I have a big hole in my heart with the loss my puppy.

I am thankful for the fact that instead of reaching for comfort food I am using my workouts as my therapy.  This is a big deal since in the past when I have been stressed or sad I use food as a stress reliever.

My coach has been working with me on being better with my breathing when I run.  Long steady exhales, long steady inhales.

He sent me this meme a few weeks ago.

I know this post hasn't been much about my workouts.

I have found that life and the things going on it have a big impact on how workouts go.   Whether I do them, how I feel while I'm doing them, how I react to when things go well or when they don't.

I have also found that workouts help dealing with the stresses of life.  Quite time in the pool was very much needed the past couple of weeks.  It gave me time to not think about my worries and just think about swimming.  The bike rides and runs have been good to keep the body moving and help me focus on what I can do rather than wallowing in worry and feeding that worry with food.

So I'm going to continue to breathe.

Sometimes it will come out ragged as I am crying through the breathing.

But I'm still breathing.

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

In.

Out.

Breathe.

Such a simple thing.

Beaver Freezer 2017

The first triathlon of 2017 has come and gone.  Lots of fun things to celebrate about this race.  A few things that didn't turn out quite like I had planned.

Out of the group that all works with my coach, aka the Booth Bunch, my husband Joe, Marcus, Ron, Mike, James and Jon's wife Janelle were all participating.  As well as our good friend Chad.  Quite a crew!

The weather wasn't terrible.  Not as awesome as last year but it wasn't super cold and dumping down rain.  It sprinkled a bit at the beginning so there were wet roads but overall not too bad.

Jon & Logan talking with Janelle before she started her swim.

Janelle was the first to swim.  She had been a little nervous about the swim but looked really good in the pool.  She did a good job of not going out too fast and getting out of breath (the way I did last year!)  It didn't take too long and she was out of the pool and heading to transition.

Love this picture!  Jon cheering and Janelle with a big smile! 😀

At this point I had to leave for a little while but I was able to make it back in time to see the guys start coming in from their bike ride.  I didn't get pictures of all of them but a few of them.  I missed seeing Janelle finish, which was a bummer but she said she had fun and felt like she did well.

Joe had a great ride.

Joe had a speedy transition and was quickly heading out to run.  

Next to come in was Marcus.

Looking good Marcus!

Melissa and Kirsten cheering Marcus as he starts the run.

I always love hanging out with Melissa at events.  We spend a lot of time laughing and talking!

Jon and I stayed and watched for Ron and Mike to finish the bike.  Almost all of the team was wearing Pure Endurance triathlon kits.  We got them last fall and they look great.  At one point I looked at Jon and asked him, "How does it feel to see Pure Endurance kits coming down the hill?"  He gave me a big smile and said it felt pretty good.  😃

Once everyone had finished the bike ride we walked over to watch them do the run.  The run is three loops around the Oregon State University campus.  

All the guys looked good on the run and finished strong.  

Joe running well.

Mike letting us know he hears us cheering for him. 

Joe coming into the finish. 

The athletes with their awesome coach (and coach's helper, Logan)

All of the participants looked like they had a lot of fun and they all did really well.  It was fun to be able to cheer them and encourage them along the way.  

However,  I was supposed to be participating too.  That part was hard.  Really hard.  I was so looking forward to doing the Beaver Freezer again and this time not being so scared.  

My swimming has been getting stronger, which is where I really struggled last year.  My biking and running are also faster.  I was really excited to see how I could do compared to last year.  

Last month I started taking a number of supplements to help with my new diagnosis of insulin resistance and hoping that it would help with my tired issues.  About two weeks in I lost a filling in a back tooth and ended up having it pulled.  

About a week later I was going on a bike ride and it was awful.  My heart rate was really high, I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest, I was sweating like crazy and I felt queasy.  So I didn't go for the longer ride I was supposed to but headed back towards home.  I had to go really slow in order to keep the heart rate from being out of control.

The next day I had to do a 30 minute run and was supposed to do a 11:20 pace.  I did pretty good for the first mile and then everything fell apart again.  My heart rate was over 190 and I felt terrible.  I started walking and my heart rate wouldn't come down.  Probably got all worked up about it which didn't help.  

Talked to my specialist and he had me stop taking the supplements that have methyl in them.  The methylfolate and the B12-Methyl.  He's pretty sure that I am having a reaction to the methyl in the supplements.  Doesn't happen often but it does happen in rare instances.  Leave it to me to be the rare case.  My journey never goes in a straight line.  😜

This past week it was a little bit better.  The bike ride the heart rate didn't get completely out of control, although I was being very careful and not going as fast as I usually would/could.  It spiked during my run again but when I walked it came back down pretty quickly so that was progress.  

Monday I happened to be in to see my regular doctor about a sleep study I had done a couple of months ago and I mentioned that I had a call into the specialist to ask if any of the supplements could be causing the problem.  Dr. David was not happy about the heart rate issue.  He decides I need an EKG for some baseline data and then he wants me to wear a heart rate monitor for two weeks.  I'm not supposed to get it wet or too sweaty because then it will fall off.  I tell him that I have a race on Saturday and ask if I can still do the race and then put the monitor on. He decides that will probably be okay if I have someone who can be keeping an eye on me in case something goes wrong or that I will stop if things start getting really wonky.  I said that I would do that and volunteered my coach to keep an eye on me.  

I had a bike ride that went well but my run on Wednesday was not good.  I was supposed to do 1/2 mile intervals on the track at a 10:30-10:45 pace.  I ended up only doing 1/4 mile intervals because each time my heart rate got over 190.  A couple of times it got over 200.  Didn't think it was a good idea to keep pushing it for another lap when it got that high.  Ugh.  

Thursday I got to go for a short bike ride with the Booth Bunch.  We met at Jon's house so we could ride, practice transitioning to running and do a short run.  Then we got to stay and have grubbing dinner.  Jon talked with the group about fitness and fatigue and why we taper before a race.  It was cool to see a graph that showed what he was talking about.  I love looking at data and seeing how it all connects.  That is one of the fun parts of having a Garmin tracking my workouts.  I like looking at the information and being able to compare it to other workouts.  

When we were getting ready to go Jon asked me to hang for a minute.  I knew we were going to talk about how my heart rate issue was going and about the Beaver Freezer race on Saturday.  And I knew what the result was probably going to need to be.  

I had run for only five minutes after my practice transition and my heart rate had gotten up to 185 in the first couple of minutes.   That's not good.  

Originally I had thought that I could kick ass on the swim portion of the Beaver Freezer, cruise through the bike part without pushing it too much and then walk/run the 5k and just enjoy the day.  I could be happy with that because I wanted two things out of this event.  First, I wanted to do well with the swim portion because last year I had some struggles.  Second, I wanted to go into this event and not be scared.  Last year I was so scared and nervous.  I wanted to just have fun and I figured I could do that even if I could go all out and get a PR.  

But they had to change the bike route a little.  The added a little steep hill about halfway through.  A totally doable hill.  We went and drove it and I have done hills that steep.  But the problem is that when you have to crank up a steep hill your heart rate goes up quite a bit for a while.  I was worried that it would get up in the 190+ range going up that hill and then it wouldn't come down like it should.  If I got dizzy or wonky coming down the hill that could be bad. 

So I have a heart that is beating faster than it should during runs and on certain bike rides.  It hasn't improved significantly in two weeks.  My doctor is concerned and reluctantly has okayed the Beaver Freezer.  And now there is a hill that will add to the concerns.  

I knew what Jon was going to say.  I knew he was going to be right.  Didn't mean it wasn't hard.  As much as I wanted to be in the Beaver Freezer I am not a stupid lady.  I have to take care of myself and make sure I don't do something that will damage me in the long run.  So with a lot of tears on my part we made the decision for me to not participate in the Beaver Freezer.  

Now here's the thing about my coach.  He knew this was going to be hard.  As we discussed it and I cried he was so very kind and understanding but let me know he was concerned.  Then he told me that I could blame him.  Tell people that he wouldn't let me race.  lol  Whatever.  He sent me this text later that evening.  

Here's what I had to say to him.

I have a very good coach and an even better friend.  

I then drove to my husband's work.  He opened the door for me, took one look at my face and put me in the office and shut the door.  He knows me so well and he knew I was a very unhappy camper.  He let me cry as I told him and just listened.  Agreed that we had made the right decision and basically loved and supported me.  He does that exceptionally well.

So Saturday when I had to leave the race it was to go over to my doctor's office to have the heart rate monitor attached.  I am glad I don't have to do the one that has all the wires and a box to have on my belt the whole time.  This one is basically just taped to my chest.  

Could be worse.  

Now I tend to worry and think way too much about things that could be bad or could be nothing.  I think about all the worst case scenarios.  It takes a few days for me to process and kind of find my footing.  Pull my big girl panties and deal with the unknown.  My poor husband has to deal with my while I work through my process.  One of the blessings of being married to my best friend for so long is that he knows my process and gives me time to go through it.  And if I'm wallowing a little too long then he gives me a shake and tells me to get moving forward.  I love this man so much!

Joe getting ready to race.  If I can't race at least I can support my favorite athlete!! 💜💜

So I have a heart rate monitor on for about a week.  I have stop taking some of the supplements and we are hoping that is what is causing the problem.  

In the meantime, I am still biking and running.  I will adjust workouts if things get wonky but at least I can keep moving!  Hard to believe that the thought of NOT being able to work out makes me crazy.  It wasn't that long ago that the thought of HAVING to workout made me crazy.  I like that working out is part of me and my life now and that I can't imagine not doing it.  

I'll be praying for answers and that the doctors don't find anything other than a reaction to the supplements, that there won't be anything else for them to find.  

Next race is the Oregon Dunes triathlon in May.  I'm going to plan like I'm racing, prepare as best I can and be hopeful that everything will be good and settle down.

In the meantime, I was able to cheer on my team at the Beaver Freezer.  Which was a total blast.  Love getting to workout with these people and love seeing them get stronger and reach goals.  

The Booth Bunch!  Good looking group!

Looking forward to more adventures, whether they are the way I had planned or not. 

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Insulin Resistance

Health Update:

I am going to share all the details about what's going on with my "tired thing" because I feel like there might be others that will benefit from the information that I'm learning right now.  I don't want to over share but at the same time this has been a big part of my journey in trying to become a healthier (and more energetic) me.

I finally got into the specialist my doctor wanted me to see, Dr. Enochian.  We met a couple of weeks ago and I liked him right from the start.  For one thing, he had read my entire file that my primary doctor had sent over so I didn't have to go over the last five years and all the things that I have tried to do.  I appreciated that SO much.

He had a whole list of questions for me beyond the "normal" stuff that I have been working with my primary doctor on.  He said right from the start that there was something going on and that we were going to figure it out.  He had nothing but good things to say about the steps that my doctor and I had done to get to this point.  He said that by losing weight, exercising and other steps it helped him eliminate some things.

Dr. Enochian had me do a whole bunch of blood tests and one test called a MTHFR to check for the possibility of a genetic mutation that could be causing issues with how my cells deal with insulin and glucose.

I just went in for the follow up appointment. Talk about information overload!

The main thing right now is that the MTHFR test did show that I have what the doctor called a blockage.  Not completely blocked but enough to cause me issues.  This means that the cells ability to take in the glucose so it can do it's job in the cells is blocked somewhat.  The glucose has a hard time getting in because the insulin can't carry it there.  When the insulin can't get the glucose into the cell it stores it in the fat cells instead to get rid of it.  Seems simple enough.  The way I'm understanding it is that we are going to load my body up with supplements so that I have plenty of what I need in my body to get enough of what I need in my cells.  This is better than trying to eat all the different foods in large quantities.

We will also be checking back in a couple of months.  First to see how I'm responding to the change in diet and the addition of the supplements.  Secondly to retest my thyroid and pituitary and see if the changes I made have had a positive impact there or if we need to add additional treatments.

So last night I ordered the following supplements:

Tumeric Extract
Cinnamon Extract
Super Omega-3 (Fish Oil)
Methyl B12

I have another one that we are deciding the right one to use (cost and effectiveness of the cheaper versions are part of the discussion.)  Basically it will be a very high dose of a folate (like pregnant women take but a ridiculously higher amount in comparison.)

I also ordered the book The Insulin Resistant Diet.

Not only will I be taking supplements but I will also need to do another overhaul of my diet.  Seems like I have done this several times over the years.  Maybe each of those changes were to prepare me for this one.

One nice thing is that this doctor has the same thing so he totally gets that it's a lot to process and change.  He was very reassuring that this is not only doable but that it was going to make me feel better soon.

In this day and age with the internet and Google information is right at my fingertips.  I have spent much of my free time in the last 24 hours researching Insulin Resistance, MTHFR and the various supplements I will be taking.  The frustrating thing was that for everything I read that was positive there was an equal amount that said it was all negative.

Ugh.

In my effort to be an informed person who isn't just downing a bunch of pills because someone told me too I became a person that is overwhelmed with too much information.

Here are things that I am 100% sure of:

• A genetic test that indicates a problem does NOT mean I have an excuse to be fat.  It means I will have to change how I work to keep myself healthy.  BIG difference.  
• I want to be a smart patient.  I want to know what I'm putting into my body and how it is helping me.  This is important to me.  I don't want to take things for the sake of taking things.  
• At the same time, I'm smart enough to appreciate people that are smarter than me about some things.  Dr. Enochian went to school for a long time to become a doctor.  He has been practicing medicine for a long time.  He continues to learn and educate himself so that he can give patients the best care possible.  It would be a bit ridiculous for me to tell him how to treat me because of something I read on the internet.  Ask questions because of things I have read is reasonable but to tell him what the treatment should be because of the internet is silly.  (Kind of like parents telling me how to teach a class of 30+ kids, and they are usually the parents of the worst behaved kids!)  
• This is going to take some adjustments on my part, both mentally and physically.  I am a foodie!  I love my snacks and foods, drinks and treats.  I already feel like I have made a lot of adjustments to my diet.  Evidently I still have a lot to learn and some of it will be trying to figure out how to make things work with my job.  

I know that this is not a big deal in comparison to a lot of things that other people deal with. I'm not dying, I don't have cancer, I am a fully functioning, basically healthy woman.  But for me and my world it's a lot right now.  It feels like a lot of change and there is still that little voice in the back of my head that is worried that all this work will be like everything else I have done to this point and it won't work either.  I think that is the part that I'm having the hardest time with. Whatever if I make major changes to my diet (again!) and do all the things I have been asked to do (again!) and I'm still tired all the time?  I try not to be negative but this has been a very long journey and it gets hard to hope that each thing we try will make it work itself out and nothing ever seems to change.

On the flip side there has been some things happening in my fitness journey that have been pretty cool.  Pretty hard work but pretty cool results.

Training Update:

A couple of weeks ago we had a group run with the Booth Bunch.  We met up at OSU and headed towards one of the nearby trails.  It was about a 2/3 mile warm up to get to our starting spot.  Then we were doing one mile repeats. Jon had it figured out how far we had to go to reach a mile on the path.  I was only supposed to do two repeats.  The mile heading out was supposed to be done in around 11:30. Hard but doable.  Then I was supposed to walk around for three minutes and then do the mile back in under 11 minutes.  I wasn't too sure that was going to happen.  Jon was pretty sure it was.

I did the mile out in 11:35 so I was pretty close but my legs felt so heavy the whole time and I really had to concentrate on my breathing (which is becoming the focus of most of my workouts at the moment!)  I got done and was walking with Jon and I told him I wasn't too sure how I would do with the fast mile.  He told me he would run it with me and pace me.  I wasn't allowed to look at my watch and I just had to keep my breathing steady and follow his lead.

I did pretty good for the first 1/2 mile.  The second half mile I really struggled.  I wanted to stop SO BAD!!  Jon was right there telling me to keep my feet light and have bigger breaths out and in.  I wanted to tell him, "I'm trying!!!!" but I only had enough breath for running.  There was absolutely no breath available for talking.

When Jon said we had made a mile I hit the button on my watch.  Holy crap!!  I ran a mile in 10:31!!!  Fastest mile without stopping that I have ever done!!  Once I could actually breathe I was pretty excited about it.  When we got back to our starting point and were doing our cool down stretches Jon told the rest of the bunch about my time.  They were all so supportive and gave me lots of congratulations.  Which shows how wonderful people who work out together are!  All of these men can run circles around me.  My fastest mile ever is their warm up speed.  But not one of them treated it as anything less than a big deal for me.  I appreciate that SO much!

Last week I had to do the same workout only I had to do it by myself.  Jon had told me when we had met earlier in the week that he knew I could do it without him and I was going to have to because he couldn't run with me every time.  lol

I headed out to a country road near my house.  I had a mile warm up and then picked my spot to start my mile interval.  The first one was 11:26 which was better than the week before so I was happy about that.  I walked for about three minutes and then started the second mile.  I was trying to be somewhere close to what I got the week before.  I knew it would be hard to be as fast but I wanted to be close.  I didn't start struggling really bad until about 3/4 of a mile.  The last 1/4 mile was so hard.  I just wanted to stop, my breathing was all over the place and I was having a hard time trying to get it under control and keep up my speed.  The one mile spot seemed so far away!!!  There was a lot of self talk going on to get that last 1/4 mile done without giving up!!!  Final time 10:35.  Not as good as the week before but most excellent considering I did it on my own AND I didn't quit even though I really, really wanted too.

Then Monday I was supposed to run for 30 minutes and have an average pace of 11:20.  Really?!  One mile fast is bad enough but keeping it up for more than two miles without stopping?  I wasn't too sure how that was going to go.

I took off and the first mile went decent.  Hard but I wasn't totally uncomfortable.

The second mile was harder and I was having to push a bit more to keep the speed up.  The breathing was starting to be more of a struggle.  I would get so focused on the breathing that i would forget to keep the speed going.  Two parts of my brain trying to function at the same time.  I was running my 5K route so I knew where the mile spots were.

When I got to mile two I really wanted to just walk the rest of the way.  I looked at my watch and I had less than eight minutes left in my 30 minutes.  Well crap.  If I kept it up for more than 22 minutes I could keep trying for eight more.  With five minutes left I had to stop for a bit at a red light.  I have never been so happy for a crosswalk to tell me "Don't Walk".

Five minutes left and I'm close to home.  I realized that I had slowed down again so I pushed one last time.  I just had to get down one last street and I would be home and my 30 minutes would be up.

Longest five minutes ever! lol

Lots of self talk.

Lots of thinking, "Don't quit now, I'm almost there!"

I got done and my average pace turned out to be 11:18!!!!  I was pretty happy!

Coach says that I have found another gear.  lol

Still can't run as fast as everyone else I know but I sure can keep them in sight for a lot longer than I used to!

My last track workout was a exercise in frustration as I shared in a blog post last month.  We had another track workout last night and I was a little nervous about it.  We had our regular warm up, stretching, running drills and strides.  Then it was time to get to it.  I was supposed to do 4x800 with a 400 walk between.  Each 800 was supposed to be done in 5:30 which is about an 11 minute mile pace.   That's pretty fast for me.  I wasn't too sure it was going to happen let alone four times.  Especially after how much I struggled the last time we did a track workout.

The first 800 I did in 5:31.  (11:00 average pace)
The second was 5:25.  (10:53 average pace)
The third was 5:21.  (10:45 average pace)
The fourth was 5:18.  (10:39 average pace)

What!!??

My breathing was still a struggle at the end of each interval but not near as bad as it has been so I'm making progress there.  I've been practicing taking long deep breaths and exhaling steady and long in as many ways as possible.  It seems to be paying off.

Jon does a lot of talking with one runner and then switching to another when we are all on the track.  He was running with Marcus and told Marcus that he would stick with me when they caught up with me.  When they caught up with me Marcus said that it was a lot harder to catch up to me than it used to be.

I'm so very okay with that!

My swims have been solid lately.  My bike rides have mostly been on the trainer the last few months because it has been such a crappy winter this year.  But even just focusing on the heart rate on the trainer rides I feel stronger.  Hoping that will reflect once I can be back on the road again.

First triathlon of the season is less than a month away.  I'm pretty excited to see how I do this year compared to last year.

It's kind of nice to have the training feel solid right now when everything else seems upside down.  I received most of the supplements in the mail today.  I went over the papers from the doctor so I had a handle on what I was supposed to take when.  I have one of those daily pill containers but I think I will have to get another one in a different color to differentiate morning supplements from evening supplements.

Once again I'm starting on a new aspect of trying to be a better me.

I'm hopeful and at the same time scared that I will once again make big changes and yet see no difference in my tired or my weight.

But I'll keep working at it and I guess that's the most important thing.

Working Through the Frustrations

I love my job.

I get to teach middle school students.

My official job is to teach a program called AVID and Social Studies.  It's so much fun!

But a lot of my job is teaching kids that it's okay to make mistakes.  That working hard towards towards goals is important.  That not making those goals is okay because sometimes we have things to figure out before we can make it work the right way.

AVID stands for Advancement Via Individual Determination.  It helps teach organization, critical thinking, how to work with others, how to problem solve and a whole host of other skills that will helps students be successful in college or any other path they pick after high school.

Today I was working with my 6th grade AVID class on a worksheet that they have ready for class every Tuesday and Thursday, the Tutorial Request Form (TRF) and the tutorial process that goes with it.

There was some frustrations as I was asking students to do things differently and making sure they went through the process the right way, even though it meant some starting over and trying again.

One of my students looked at me and said, "You don't know what it's like to be frustrated.  I don't think I can do this!"

Sigh.

Guess what kiddo!  I totally understand!

I shared with my students about my track workout the night before.

We had a interval workout at the high school track near my house with my coach, my hubby and another friend.  I was supposed to do my warm up and then do four sets of intervals.  I had to do a 400 in 2:24 and then do 800 at a slower pace and repeat three more times.

I didn't do the first 400 as fast I was supposed to, not far off but not great.  The next two got even worse.  I was SO frustrated!  I knew what I wanted to do.  I was working as hard as I could to make it happen and I just couldn't get there.  I would start out okay but then the breathing would just be more and more of a struggle.  It also didn't help that I was getting in my own head, which means I was getting in my own way.

My coach was walking with me on my 800 before my last fast 400 and he knew I was not a happy camper.  We talked about what might be causing me to not to be able to make things work.  Jon was absolutely positive that I could do it. At this point I was absolutely positive I could not.

There were some tears from me as we talked and walked around the track.  Not uncommon for me since tears come easily when I'm frustrated.  Jon was great about talking me through it.  (Insert a snort from a 6th grade boy.  "You actually cried because you were frustrated?" Ha!  I told him me crying was not an unusual thing for me, happy, sad or mad. lol)

Jon decided that he was going to do my last fast 400 with me.  I was not allowed to look at my watch. I was just supposed to keep up with him and work on getting really deep breaths in.

Off we go.  It was hard.  Not going to lie.  Being frustrated didn't help because then I'm all tightened up which also doesn't help.  But it was better than the ones before.  Jon had me pick up the pace on the last straight stretch and evidently that's when my form and everything looked the best.

So he made me do a couple more 100 yard fast runs just to copy that good running form that I had somehow managed at the end of the last fast 400.  The requirement was to keep my form, work on my breathing and smile.  😃  They went better than I thought they would.

So while I was still frustrated a bit about not being able to do as well as I thought I should be able to, I wasn't feeling as completely deflated as I had earlier in the run.

Later in the evening I get a text from Jon.  Then I can see he is typing another one so I wait.  And then he is typing another one so I keep waiting.  Each text I get has me smiling and (bet you can't guess) crying at the same time.

Thanks Coach!

When I am pushing my students to do more than they think they can I know it is hard for them sometimes.  Life can be overwhelming for a middle schooler on a good day.  Many of them have a lot of stuff outside of school that creates an attitude of defeat and hopelessness.  My job is to 100% believe in them until they figure out they can believe in themselves.  Along the way I push and prod, encourage and support.  I tell them all the time that I am their biggest cheerleader and butt kicker all wrapped up in one teacher.  I don't care if they fail, I care if they don't try every single day to get better.

Funny that sounds an awful lot like what Jon does with his coaching.  😉  Probably why we work so well together.

I told my students about my track workout because I wanted them to know adults get frustrated and discouraged too.  Learning to do new things is hard, whether it is new things for the brain or new things for the body, it all takes work.  I am not asking them to do anything more than I what I am expecting from myself.  If I can do it, so can they!

I'm not going to give up just because I got frustrated so they don't get to give up when they get frustrated either.

The student who had said I didn't understand looked at me after I shared and grinned and said, "Guess you do get it."

Yep, I do.

One of the biggest side benefits of my healthy lifestyle is how it relates to so many things I'm trying to model for my students.  If I am going to ask them to keep pushing, to keep trying when it's hard, to set big scary goals and then go for it, to pick themselves up when everything falls apart and try again, then I better be showing them that I am willing to do the same thing!!!

This is going up in my classroom!!

I Get to Play!!

Where did January go?  I just did the Hangover Run with my family and now it's suddenly February!!

There was a lot going on in January.  End of the semester at my school which translates into a lot of stressed out 7th graders who suddenly care very much about their grade.  Only because mom and dad aren't going to be happy when they get the report card.

I woke up on MLK Day of Service with a horrible cold.  That whole week I couldn't work out.  I slept, got up and took DayQuil all day at work, came home and went directly to bed.  Kind of a rough start to the beginning of getting serious about triathlon training for the upcoming season.

My "tired thing" (as I like to call it) has been over the top worse then usual.  It would be easy to lay blame on the cold I had but it is more than that.  All month I have been doing my workouts, doing my job and sleeping.  That's about it.  I go to bed before 8:00 p.m. and sleep over eight hours.  And I still wake up completely butt dragging.  SO sick of this!!  On top of everything else I have gained about 10 pounds in the last four weeks.  Not the end of the world but very frustrating considering how careful I am being about my eating and how much working out I'm doing.

I made an appointment with my doctor and once again tried to figure out what my problem is.  I think my doctor is just as frustrated as I am!  I took him a list of the last 10 days food and the last 10 days of exercise.  He said I'm eating healthy and obviously taking my exercise seriously.  We discussed several options to go from here.  Some I am okay with, others I'm not.  We did more blood tests just to see if there have been any changes.

My doctor had wanted me to see this one endocrinologist a few years ago but he wasn't taking any new patients.  I went to a different one but all she did was pat me on the head and tell me that I needed to lose weight and exercise more.  This was when I was seriously training for my half marathons and was running more than 25 miles a week.

Doc decided that he was going to make a call and see if he could get the specialist to see me, even if he was not taking new patients.

We also decided to do another at home sleep study.  This is just to make sure that I'm really sleeping better than I was a few years ago.  Back then it was determined that I had mild sleep apnea but that losing 20-30 pounds would take care of it.  I have lost 40 pounds since that sleep study so I should be good but it's probably a good idea to be sure.

Doc also talked about having me take some weight loss medication, going to a weight loss clinch (like Monarch) to get help from a team that includes a nutritionist and weight assistance.  Either of these are a maybe at this point.

One other option that he mentioned was doing a gastric sleeve.  I tried to not dismiss it out of hand, even though my first reaction was no.  I told him that that wasn't really something I was interested in. I know people that have fantastic success with gastric surgery of one kind or another.  I'm happy for them!  But it just doesn't feel right for me.

I told doc that the weight isn't really what is the big thing that is bothering me, it's the tired.

I went home and did some internet research on this procedure since it's a little different than a full gastric by-pass.  Similar concept but it leaves more of the stomach intact and allows for a bit more food to go through.  However, I would be severely limited on my calorie intake and that would severely impact my endurance activities.

I would rather be a heavier person who does triathlons (and have a more energy) than a skinny person who can't do triathlons.

I just don't want to be tired.  All. The. Time!

Blood tests came back all in the normal range.  Just like always.

Good news though was my doctor was able to get me a referral with the specialist. I go and see him on February 13th.  The idea is that he will dig deeper and see if, while my blood work is in the "normal" range, maybe it is not normal for me and my body.

There is one part of me that is really hopeful and one part of me that thinks that I will just be told there is nothing wrong with me and I need to deal.

I know that I have a demanding job.

I know that I do a lot of exercise.

I know that a certain amount of tired is to be expected.

But I go to sleep exhausted and wake up barely one notch less than exhausted.

It's not fun.

I feel like a weenie.

Maybe it's all in my head.

Am I the only one who has this?

• I don't have cancer.
• I can use my legs. 
• I can swim, bike and run.
• I have so many things to be grateful for.  

But sometimes when I'm butt dragging it is hard to keep that in perspective.

Lucky for me I have people who love me and care about me who help me with that perspective.

• I don't have cancer. 
• I can use my legs.
• I can swim, bike and run.
• I am grateful for all these things. 

I was running with my coach last week and not having a very good day or a very good run.  One of those days where nothing seems to work easy.  Jon could tell that I was "off" and made sure that I cut myself some slack and at the same time remembered that even a bad day is better than a lot of peoples good day.

Our conversations often meander around some as we talk about different topics and experiences.

The idea of how we look at exercise came up.  He related a conversation he overheard between a parent and a child at the after school pick up line.  The parent said that the child needed to exercise more.  Jon asked his son what he thought about that later and Logan's response was that she should have encouraged the child to play more.

I get to play.

I play bike.  I play swimming.  I play running.

It was good to remember that.

For all of the fears I have had about my bike the thing that has kept me going is that thrill as I go zipping down a hill.  It takes me back to when I used to play bike with my sisters and my brother.

For all of the work that I have had to put in to become a "real" swimmer I love that I still feel like I am having fun playing in a lake or river like I did when I was a kid.

For all of the work I have put in trying to become a faster runner, I love that I get to be out there moving!

God puts things in my path to remind me to focus on the positive.

I am thankful for the people that are in my life that encourage me and support me and kick me in the butt when I need it.

I am thankful for the random comments, Pinterest memes and other ways that God makes sure I get the point.

Right after Jon and I had our conversation about getting to play bike I was able to go for a bike ride outside.  The first ride outside in months.  It was warm, considering it was January, and it wasn't raining.  I didn't worry about how fast I went.  I didn't worry about my heart rate.  I just enjoyed the ride.  It was awesome!!

This was my view when I played bike.  I am blessed!

A few days later I found this on Pinterest.

God is so good to send little reminders to help me remember to be thankful.

I'm not giving up on figuring out what's going on with my tired issue.

I do believe that it is more than the usual person deals with.

I'm praying for an answer.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep working towards my goals.  I'm going to not give up.  I am going to remember that I am able to do more and accomplish more than a lot of people.

What ever your "thing" is that is getting in your way, don't let it get in your way!  Keep working through it.  It may not be easy but it's worth it.  I should know!  So many frustrations this month and quite a few tears.  But I'm still working at it.  Still trying to get healthier and still trying to figure things out.  I'm focusing on the positive. I'm focusing on what I CAN do instead of what is getting in my way.

Beaver Freezer is the first triathlon of the year.  April 1st, which will be here in no time!  I'm excited to see how I do compared to last year.

New Years Resolution

New Years Resolutions are an interesting thing.  A new year, a fresh start.  Goals made, promises to do better or be better.

I don't think anyone makes a New Years Resolution with the intention of not following through.

People make resolutions for a lot of reasons.

• To be healthier.
• To be more organized.
• To learn a new skill.
• Get a new job.
• Finish something they started.  
• Be kinder to others.

The list goes on and on.

I like the idea of a New Years Resolution.  I can see the appeal.  A fresh year means a fresh start.  It's a new beginning, a chance to start over.  I think we like to start at the beginning of something.  It's why people always seem to start diets on Mondays. 😉

I went to the YMCA today to do my swim workout.  There was a long line of people getting signed up for new memberships and I saw many tours being given while I was working out.  Pretty exciting to see all those people who are making steps towards being healthier.

Luckily for me they weren't all trying to use pool for swimming laps.

But I have an issue with New Year Resolutions.  A lot of people will hit a road block or they will "fail" and then they give up on the resolution until next year, when they can start fresh again.  I did that for a lot of years.

Instead of seeing the resolution as being something that needs to be a journey with all the twists and turns of life, it becomes a short trip that stops at the first sign of difficulty.

That's not how life really works.

I really think that in order to be successful at a New Years Resolution, or making a goal or whatever you want to call it, you have to understand you are going to have setbacks.  There are going to be times where you feel like you are rocking it and times where you just want to quit.  Times where it feels awesome and times where you think you must have been crazy to even try.

I think each day we have a chance to start over.

If yesterday sucked I don't have to wait until the New Year to start again, I can start again today.

That's a pretty great gift.

My workouts the last week or so have been a struggle.  I had a run on New Years Day that I had a goal of running with an average pace of under 11 minute miles.  I didn't even come close!

Have I been frustrated?  Yep.

Am I going to give up?  Nope.

Last Wednesday I headed out for a interval workout at the high school track near my house.  Did my warm up walk on the way and then did the ramp up.  By the time I got to the track I was ready to start my intervals.  Then I do the ramp down and cool down walk on the way home.  Works pretty well.

When I was in front of my house waiting for my Garmin's GPS to be ready I saw a man run by my house.  He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt!  It was 35 degrees outside!  It was COLD!  I thought he was crazy!

I also recognized how he was running.  He was running like everything hurt and the look on his face looked like he thought everything hurt and he might just be stupid for even trying to run.  I recognized it because I'm pretty sure that's exactly how I looked when I started running.  (I may not look like that now but I still often feel like that on the inside!)

I did my five minute walk to warm up and kept the shorts and t-shirt guy in my sights.  As I started to ramp up my speed I also started catching up with him.  I passed him as we were going by the high school.  Just as I was getting ready to peel off to go to the track I told him, "Nice work!"  He stopped running for a moment and was shaking his head.  I turned around and told him, "You are out here doing it, that's all that matters!"  He kind of smiled at me, took a deep breath and started up again.

What shorts and t-shirt guy didn't know was that I really meant it.

I know when I first started running I was pretty sure everyone who passed me was laughing at me.  Or feeling sorry for me because I was so slow, or a wide variety of other not nice things.

What I have found is that people who are working out think it is awesome to see other people working out.  Yay us!  We are out here doing our thing!  It's like being a part of a special club but all takes to be a part of the club is to just GO!

I'm faster than I used to be but I'm not as fast as I want to be so I will keep working at it.

That's the secret to keeping a goal or a New Years Resolution going!  To keep working at it!!!!!

I'm going to keep working at it.

So if you pass someone slower than you, give them a smile and a "Nice Work!"  It just might be what helps them keep going.  (It did for me more times than I can count!)

If you are passed by someone faster than you and they smile at you and say "Nice Work!" you need to know they mean it!  You are doing great!  Keep it up!!

Find someone who will encourage you!  Find someone who will support you.  Find someone who gets what you are trying to accomplish and will hold you accountable.  And if you have a bad day, a bad week or even a bad month, DO NOT GIVE UP!!.  Start fresh in the morning!!!!

I love this quote.  All of my failures have been learning experiences.  Not fun while it happens but I learned about myself and made changes or improvements to better next time.  So that the next time I fail I am still WAY ahead of where I was when I started.

Keep working at your resolutions and your goals.

Keep trying.

Keep failing.

Fail better.  😃

Pictures of Me

Today my coach texted me asking for pictures from my first Olympic Triathlon last summer.  I asked why and he said he was putting together a project for the team and wanted to use the pictures in that.

I actually hesitated.

I almost said no.

This is going to sound really silly.  Especially since I post pictures from my events here in my blog and on social media all the time.

But it has taken me a long time to be okay with doing that much.

I still don't like myself in pictures.

I still look at them and see all my faults and fat rolls and places that wiggle and jiggle.

I have made a very conscious decision to be in pictures, to post pictures and to try and not comment on my true thoughts about how I look in pictures.  I don't want to be gone someday and not have many pictures for my family to look at and remember all of our adventures.

We had this happen when my aunt passed away from breast cancer.  She was always a heavy lady, and looked even heavier than she probably was because she was very short.  When she passed away and my cousins were putting together a slideshow to show during her memorial they had a hard time finding very many recent pictures to use.  Most of the pictures she was in she would make a face because she wasn't happy someone was pointing a camera in her direction.  But when I think of my memories of my aunt they are full of laughter and love. She had a huge heart and a quick wit and I loved her so much.  I decided then, even before I started working on being a healthier me that I would not leave that as my legacy to my kids.  "She didn't want to have her picture taken because she was fat."

As a mom I always tried to do whatever was fun with my kids when they were growing up.  Even if I was terrible at it or looked ridiculous.  If my kids wanted me to swim with them, I swam.  If they wanted me to run around a softball field with them after their dad played a game, I ran.  If they wanted me to swing with them, hang on the monkey bars or do an obstacle course I gave it a shot.  I didn't want to be the mom that just watched them.  I wanted to be the mom that played with them.

But the pictures didn't reflect that for a long time.  I avoided being in pictures by being the one who took the pictures.  Before cell phones and selfies this was an easy way to hide behind the camera.  I would play and goof off and then go grab the camera and take pictures of everyone else.  I never asked anyone to take pictures for me because I secretly didn't want to be in them.

I decided to get over it.

Mostly I do okay.  Every once in a while that self-conscious side of me rears its head again.  If I'm looking at pictures and I make a comment about my tummy or some other flaw, my husband is all over it.  He hates that I do that and shuts me down immediately.  He seems to think I'm pretty no matter what, he may be a little biased.  😉

Today when my coach asked me for pictures I really wanted to say no.  It seriously makes me anxious to think that pictures of me are being used to show off what a bunch of athletes are up to.

I feel more like an athlete than I used to.  I know my body is doing more than it's ever done before and I'm learning to take joy in that.

But that doesn't mean that old hang ups and issues don't resurface on occasion.

There are victories here on a couple of levels.

First, that I take my picture or have my picture taken often.  I try to focus on the adventure and fun that I'm having and not how I look.

Second, that I said yes to Jon about using my pictures.  Big win there.

One of the things I have learned is that what my eyes immediately go to is not even close to what everyone else sees.

It seems, if you can believe it, that most people don't look at my tummy.  They look at my smile.  Go figure.  😏

Strong & Smiling.  I like that description.  😄

Get your picture taken!

Accept the compliments!

Learn to see yourself through the eyes of people that love you.

Being a healthier person doesn't mean just working on the body but also working on the mind and heart.

Sometimes that is harder but like most things in life, the hard things have the biggest rewards.