Pictures of Me

Today my coach texted me asking for pictures from my first Olympic Triathlon last summer.  I asked why and he said he was putting together a project for the team and wanted to use the pictures in that.

I actually hesitated.

I almost said no.

This is going to sound really silly.  Especially since I post pictures from my events here in my blog and on social media all the time.

But it has taken me a long time to be okay with doing that much.

I still don't like myself in pictures.

I still look at them and see all my faults and fat rolls and places that wiggle and jiggle.

I have made a very conscious decision to be in pictures, to post pictures and to try and not comment on my true thoughts about how I look in pictures.  I don't want to be gone someday and not have many pictures for my family to look at and remember all of our adventures.

We had this happen when my aunt passed away from breast cancer.  She was always a heavy lady, and looked even heavier than she probably was because she was very short.  When she passed away and my cousins were putting together a slideshow to show during her memorial they had a hard time finding very many recent pictures to use.  Most of the pictures she was in she would make a face because she wasn't happy someone was pointing a camera in her direction.  But when I think of my memories of my aunt they are full of laughter and love. She had a huge heart and a quick wit and I loved her so much.  I decided then, even before I started working on being a healthier me that I would not leave that as my legacy to my kids.  "She didn't want to have her picture taken because she was fat."

As a mom I always tried to do whatever was fun with my kids when they were growing up.  Even if I was terrible at it or looked ridiculous.  If my kids wanted me to swim with them, I swam.  If they wanted me to run around a softball field with them after their dad played a game, I ran.  If they wanted me to swing with them, hang on the monkey bars or do an obstacle course I gave it a shot.  I didn't want to be the mom that just watched them.  I wanted to be the mom that played with them.

But the pictures didn't reflect that for a long time.  I avoided being in pictures by being the one who took the pictures.  Before cell phones and selfies this was an easy way to hide behind the camera.  I would play and goof off and then go grab the camera and take pictures of everyone else.  I never asked anyone to take pictures for me because I secretly didn't want to be in them.

I decided to get over it.

Mostly I do okay.  Every once in a while that self-conscious side of me rears its head again.  If I'm looking at pictures and I make a comment about my tummy or some other flaw, my husband is all over it.  He hates that I do that and shuts me down immediately.  He seems to think I'm pretty no matter what, he may be a little biased.  😉

Today when my coach asked me for pictures I really wanted to say no.  It seriously makes me anxious to think that pictures of me are being used to show off what a bunch of athletes are up to.

I feel more like an athlete than I used to.  I know my body is doing more than it's ever done before and I'm learning to take joy in that.

But that doesn't mean that old hang ups and issues don't resurface on occasion.

There are victories here on a couple of levels.

First, that I take my picture or have my picture taken often.  I try to focus on the adventure and fun that I'm having and not how I look.

Second, that I said yes to Jon about using my pictures.  Big win there.

One of the things I have learned is that what my eyes immediately go to is not even close to what everyone else sees.

It seems, if you can believe it, that most people don't look at my tummy.  They look at my smile.  Go figure.  😏

Strong & Smiling.  I like that description.  😄

Get your picture taken!

Accept the compliments!

Learn to see yourself through the eyes of people that love you.

Being a healthier person doesn't mean just working on the body but also working on the mind and heart.

Sometimes that is harder but like most things in life, the hard things have the biggest rewards.

A Year Without Music

I have not listened to music during a workout in a year and a half.

A lot of people may read that and think, "So?  I never listen to music, big deal."

I always had music when I ran or hiked.  The only time I didn't have music was if I was hiking with friends so I could talk.

I liked listening to my music.  I could tune out the world and just get lost in the music.  Kept me from thinking too much as well.

But I made a conscious decision to stop listening to music on my hikes.  When I was in the last year of my Masters degree program I decided I was going to hike at least once a week no matter what.  That would be my self care for the week in order to not go insane.  I decided to take it one step further and be totally unplugged when I was hiking.  No big deal when I had people with me.  Very different when I was alone.

No music, no noise, nothing but me.

Being alone with my own thoughts for hours at a time is more difficult than I thought it would be.  It sounds silly but time alone without distractions means there is a lot of thinking time happening.  I couldn't distract myself and get lost in the music.

Being in my own thoughts was very uncomfortable at first.

Because I would think of all the negative stuff first.

Not a good path to go down.

Except that it was.

Not only did I think about the negative stuff, I was able to take the time to really take out the negative stuff and look at it closely.  Why do I think that way?  How does it affect me?  How can I make changes in my life or my thinking to challenge that negative stuff?

I discovered that having that quiet time really helped me work on a lot of my "stuff."  You know what I'm talking about.  We all have "stuff" in our life that gets in our way or slows us down.  Burdens we pick up or things we can't let go of.  I realized that with all the things that I was busy with was actually kept me from taking the time (or having to take the time) to deal with things.

I was taking classes about counseling, encouraged to take time for self care and in that time I took I was actually able to work on some things that helped me be a better person.  Kind of like my own private counseling time.  Certainly a lot cheaper than going to therapy.

The bonus part was that on many of the hikes, once the thinking took a rest I was able to appreciate more than just how beautiful it was.  I was able to hear the beauty as well.

The sounds of the birds.

How the wind moved through the trees.

The grass rustling in the meadows.

The jingle of my puppy's collar as she ran on the trails with me.

Rain.  Rain has so many different sounds depending on how it is coming down.  Hard splats, soft pitter patters, drizzles that collect on the leaves and then fall to the ground.

How quiet it gets on a foggy morning, everything is so still.

This year I started training for triathlons and continued working out with no music.  Most triathlons won't let you have headphones in during the bike ride and sometimes the run as well.  Can't wear them in the water either so I figured I should just keep working out without the music.  The only exception has been when I'm on the stationary bike or the treadmill at the YMCA.  Then I watch TV shows while I people watch.  Keeps things interesting while I'm working hard and not going anywhere.

Swimming has become where I don't think.  Mostly because I am too busy thinking about all the things I am supposed to be doing.  You know, so I don't drown.  :-)

Biking is just getting funner and funner!  I loved riding my bike when I was a kid and that love is coming back the more confident I become.  I still have to work hard to go fast or get up hills but I get better all the time.

Right now I'm pushing myself with running.  Trying to get faster so that takes concentration as well.  I find myself listening to my body more.  How my breathing sounds and how my footfalls sound.  It's pretty amazing hearing my body working hard.

Working out without music has taught me a lot.  I have learned to be more comfortable with myself and my own thoughts.  I have learned to be still and really listen, not just to my thoughts but to the world around me.  God created an incredible place for us, it's good to take away some of the noise and distractions in order to really appreciate it.

I'm four weeks away from my Olympic triathlon.  Lots of work to do yet.  But I'm going to keep working!  :-)