I'm Trying...

Today I packed away Christmas.  

If you know me at all, you know this is really early.  Usually I wait until the last weekend of my winter break before I finally start putting Christmas away.  

But this year, as it has been with so many things, was weird. 

We got to have a super quick visit from our son that lives in Arizona the weekend of December 12th.  Our youngest was also going to be home from college that weekend.  My husband, smart man that he is, suggested we have our Christmas on the 12th since we would have two out of three kids home.  He came up with this idea about a month before the 12th, which meant I had to kick my Christmas shopping into high gear.  (Thank you Amazon!)  I also had to get everything ready for our oldest daughter who lives in Massachusetts so that she could have her presents arrive before the 12th so she could be part of our early Christmas.  

We had a fabulous time.  Bri joined us on a video call and it was almost like having her here with us.  Except it was missing the all important hug aspect.  

I think I'm ready!

Santa got my message and filled stockings early!

Matching PJ's for the cute couple!

Bri loved her present from her daddy.  💜

We had originally planned to try and go see Bri during my winter break.  But due to COVID restrictions that got increasingly strict we weren't able to go see her and she wasn't able to come see us.  I'm actually surprised we were able to get Taylor and Lauren here for a visit.  

With parents that have health issues and my husband's job as a first responder we felt it was better to play it safe and not visit our parents over Christmas.  This made for a very different holiday for us.  Usually we are spending time with the three different families and seeing all parental units and as many siblings and nieces and nephews as possible.  

Since we couldn't go to Boston and we had chosen not to see the parents it made Christmas very strange.  We decided to rent a house from some good friends that is at the beach for two nights.  We had some very good friends that have been a part of our "bubble" join us for one night.  We watched movies, made pizza, laughed, talked, cried and had a really great and low key Christmas.  I have realized in the last few months that I am so busy enjoying the moment and trying to soak it all in that I am not taking many pictures.  The memories in my mind are more important than stopping every five seconds to take pictures.  

Joe and I walked on the beach on Christmas Eve.  It was really warm.  Warm enough that we had to take off our jackets.  Which is crazy for Oregon in December!  There is something very soothing about the beach and the sound of the ocean.  We looked for shells, heart shaped rocks, sea anemones and star fish in the tidal pools and enjoyed the sunshine and the time together.  

Joe made me a heart shaped rock.  😍

Couldn't ask for more beautiful weather!

T-shirts on Christmas Eve...what?

I have spent the first week of my Winter Break working on remembering that exercising is good for me, physically and for my mental health.  I made a goal to do something active every day starting on Monday.  

Monday I did some strength training in the garage.  It felt good to lift the weights and do all the stretches, even though later I was so sore!  

Tuesday Joe and I went to Silver Falls State Park.  He had a long run to do and I just wanted to move.  I decided to start on the Rim Trail and work my way around the falls as if I was doing the race for Run Wild.  I walked up hills and tried to run the down hills (more like a really, really slow trot).  I was struggling with my heart rate getting super high when I was running and by the time I got to the North Falls I also was feeling shaky.  Joe had started on the Rim Trail with me but then had taken the Winter Falls trail and looped around to the North Falls from the other side of the river.  He met up with me on the stairs when I was taking a break and having a snack.  

I decided that instead of doing the entire falls loop and just getting super frustrated and mad that it was slow and I was struggling, I would just retrace my route back on the Rim Trail.  

This is going to sound silly but that that was huge for me on several levels.  

First, I cut myself some slack and didn't try and do something that was just going to make me miserable for no reason. 

Second, I made a conscious choice to do what would make me feel like I was having fun.  And not make me miserable for the rest of the day.  

I enjoyed the hike back to the car.  I ran some, I walked some.  I stopped and took pictures and just enjoyed the fact that I was moving.  

Wednesday I did another round of strength training.  Ouch.  My body is yelling at me since I'm trying to remind it that I have muscles and they need to be used.  Evidently there are ab muscles under all that stomach flab.  lol  

Thursday we walked on the beach.  While I didn't run or make it a "workout", I am trying to remember that any day that I get out and move is a good day.  Bonus if I get sunshine and time with my hubby while I'm doing it.  

Friday was Christmas.  We were at the beach and we woke up to a downpour.  I just couldn't get excited about getting out there and making it happen.  I completely wienied out.  lol  

Saturday we cleaned up the house, laundry, dishes, packing, etc.  When we got home we unloaded the car and did laundry and put things away.  That was the extent of my workout. 

Sunday turned out to be amazing.  Another bright, sunshiny day that was relatively warm considering the time of year.  I decided that I should take down the Christmas tree and get the tree down to the curb to be picked up.  I didn't feel like leaving it up through the whole break and having to deal with it right before I went to work.  While there were many things about Christmas that I enjoyed and filled my heart, I REALLY missed my kids and have been struggling with that.  Once the tree was down, I just decided to keep going and packed away all of the Christmas decorations.  The only thing left is the Christmas lights outside and I will leave those on until New Years Day.  

Once I got done packing up Christmas I decided to go on a bike ride.  It was so beautiful out and I knew I would regret not taking advantage of it.  I didn't feel like walking/running so I thought a chill bike ride would be good.  I don't think I have done a bike ride since early October!  It was awesome.

I didn't try and go fast and I didn't try and go far.  

But I went!

I had to do a lot of wiggling and jiggling to get into my riding clothes.  

I'm really struggling with bloating, on top of the weight gain, so that makes it hard to get into my workout clothes.  It would have been really easy to use that as an excuse to not go.

That has been my normal for the last few months.  If it is to hard or there are difficulties, then bag it. 

I'm trying to change that attitude.  

Didn't quite get there on Christmas.  I have run in the rain before but it was just too much work this time.

I didn't want to continue that today.  

So I jiggled, and danced, and shimmied and got all my riding clothes on.  

Bonus!  I could still breathe and I could still bend over.  (Gaining weight sucks!)

The ride was awesome!  The wind was a little chilly so I was glad I wore long pants and a jacket.  But the sky was blue, I could see mountains in the east and it was quiet on the roads I was on.  

I loved that I didn't have a time or distance requirement.  

I loved that the reason I was riding was just because I wanted to.  

I had a blast.  

The downside to starting over is how hard it is, both mentally and physically. 

I know that I've tried to avoid saying that I am starting over.  

But the reality is, in a lot of ways, I really am.

When you start the journey to being a healthier person physically, it is not easy at the start.  

I have gained so much weight back that the workouts that I have done the last week have made everything hurt.  

My knees hurt.

I'm sore all over. 

It hurts to sit down to pee.  

Then it hurts to stand back up again. 

If I had no other frame of reference, I would say this is ridiculous and I would quit. 

Lucky for me I know better.  

I know that I have to get through the ouchy part in order to start seeing gains.  Gains in my physical abilities, weight loss and my mental fitness.  

So many levels of ouch right now. 

One week of making sure I am actively moving.  

I have another week of break before I have to be back at work.  

I am wanting to work at being active every day when I am working.  

That has been hard this 9 weeks since I don't have a prep and I am so very DONE by the end of the day.  

But I'm still going to try.  

I may not being 100% successful.

I may not be anywhere close to where I was or where I want to be.

My mental health feels like it's all over the place.  Some days I feel like I can totally handle all the weird.  Other days I just want to crawl under a rock and give up.  

But I am NOT giving up.  

I'm still trying.