Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Rants & Raves

Ok, be ready.  I'm going to rant and rave a bit.

Let's start with the rave.  I don't know how much weight I have lost since my last visit to the doctor in July.  However I do know that there are a lot of changes in my body, especially in the last few months.

I went to put on a skirt that I had in my closet and it was too big.  That led to a closet clean out.  Anything that was too big or too frumpy went in the pile on the floor.  Over the next few days I went through my clothes, one drawer at a time and cleaned out anything that I don't wear or is too big.  The pile got even bigger.

That is a seriously good feeling!  I can't wear these clothes because they are too BIG!  Which, of course, means I am smaller.

However I have a confession to make.  I should have all those clothes bagged up and dragged to Goodwill.  But the pile of clothes has been sitting on the floor next to my bed for over a week.
I don't want to get rid of them.

That sounds ridiculous when I put it in print.  But it's the truth.

What if I gain the weight back?  Then I would have to go buy even more new clothes.  If I just box them up and stick them in the attic then I will have them....just in case.

Just in case I gain the weight back.

Sigh.  That circles back around to the big bad F word.  Fear.  I am fearful that I will not be able to maintain this weight and I will have to go spend money to buy clothes.  If I just keep the old clothes then I save myself the expense letter if (actually, a part of me says when) I gain the weight back.

I'm not totally unjustified in this worry.  When I was 30 I lost a significant amount of weight and got rid of all the big clothes.  Then stressful events happened and all the weight slowly crept back.

So there is a part of me that worries that history will repeat itself and I will need the bigger clothes.

The other part of me says that is NOT going to happen.

The two sides have been arguing for a week.

I have bagged up the clothes and I dropped them off at Goodwill last Friday after work.  I was a little rushed for time and was going to use that as excuse but I decided it was worth being late to have those clothes be gone.  No excuses!
The clothes are gone!
I have decided to use the F word that is FAITH instead of FEAR.  I will have faith in myself and all I have learned about how to be a healthier me.  I will have faith in the people around me to talk to me if they see me seriously slipping in my commitment to overall healthy food choices and maintaining an exercise routine.  I will have faith in God to give me the strength to keep fighting for my health.

Here is the rant:

While I was checking the fit of my clothes I saved the workout clothes for last.  The last few years I have been looking for clothes that fit me comfortably when I work out and are cute and fun.  No reason to not look good, even if I don't look like an athlete.

When I first started running I wore old sweatpants and a shirt that I cut the neck out so that it wouldn't feel like it was choking me.  Then I bought a pair of capris at Ross Dress for Less and wore them until I literally wore out the crotch because of my thighs rubbing together.

I have bought XXL tops at various stores only to bring them home and they are like trying to put on a straight jacket.  I couldn't fathom that an XXL top would be that small!  I discovered that stores like Khols, Big Five, Sports Authority and Dicks Sporting Goods do not have anything that is meant for the larger person who is beginning their journey to being healthy.  Evidently you only get to wear fun, cute clothing for exercising when you are slimmer.

Lots of those XXL tops have been tucked into the bottom of my exercise drawer waiting for that "someday" to come.  Someday I'll be able to wear that.

"Someday" has come.  I'm really excited about that.  I tried on those tops and they fit and looked nice.  I can't wait to wear them.  But also a bit steamed that it has taken losing over 50 pounds to get small enough to wear what most places consider really big.  Seriously?  That's just ridiculous!  Sizing is stupid.  It's really hard to be working at getting healthy and make all kinds of progress and then go to a store that sells athletic wear and you STILL can't fit into anything because their largest size wouldn't fit a slightly chubby person, let alone someone who is still obese.

So props to the two places I have been able to consistently find clothes that are both comfortable and cute.

Costco is where I have gotten most of my capris and running skirts.  Super cute and very functional.  They don't fit too tightly and look good on me.  They also have reasonable prices which makes it easy for me to justify grabbing a few at a time.  Especially when you know they may not be there on your next visit.  Better to just grab what you think you need when you see it at Costco.

Old Navy has been my go to store for cute tops and funky pants for the last couple of years.  They have all kinds of styles and sizes that are functional and fun.  They make me feel like a real athlete because I'm wearing stylish things that are meant for actually working out in.  The prices are also reasonable and don't make me feel like I'm spending a ridiculous amount of money for only one thing.

I just found these pants on the Old Nave website.
I think these are meant for me.  Fearless AND in purple? Yep, I need these!
I am going to go to my local store and see if they have them.  If they don't then I can at least try some on and see what size I need to order online.  :-)

I could probably find more things online but it is so hard to know how it's going to fit.  Most of the time I don't like how it looks or it isn't comfortable so I end up having to send it back.  That's just a lot of effort and frustration without much benefit for me.  So I'll stick to Costco and Old Navy.   And even though I can probably start buying clothes at other stores, those two will be my first place to look for things.

Writing this makes me realize something.  I have worked hard at not obsessing about the scale and exactly how much I have lost.  However, I have been focusing on the size of my clothing a lot too.  I have changed from focusing too much on one thing to focusing too much on another.  Maybe not in quite the same way but I need to make sure that I don't get bent trying to get to a particular size in the same way I can't get bent for not seeing a specific number on the scale.

It is constantly amazing to me all the mental things that I have had to work through on my journey to being a healthier me.  I am not just becoming healthier in my body but also in my heart and mind.  God is helping me see how it is all connected and in order to just be an all around healthier person I have to work on all aspects of myself.  This is not always easy or comfortable.  However, like most things that are worthwhile, it is totally worth doing!!

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