Tuesday, November 11, 2014



I feel like I have been struggling for a really long time.

Running in place and getting nowhere fast.

I thought I'd be a lot farther towards my weight loss goal by now.

I thought I'd be faster by now.

I thought I wouldn't cringe every time I see a picture of myself anymore.

I thought we would have figured out why I am tired....all....the....time.

Sometimes having friends that make goals and then proceed to kick those goals to the curb can be very discouraging.  Not that I'm not totally thrilled with how awesome they are.  It's just that it is hard to always be left behind.

I worry that they might think that I'm not really working at my goals like I say I am.  To lose weight it is a simple case of take less in and move more.  Joe tells me that all the time.  Other people tell me that all the time.  Obviously I must be doing something wrong or not being honest about what I am taking in or how much I am moving, right?  Except I'm not.  Honest.

Four years of running.  

Three years of being tired all the time.

Two years of working very focused on losing weight and running.

Two years of going to the doctor with many, many, many different tests to try and figure out what is going on with me.

I have lost 40 pounds.  That's good.  I know that.  It's WAY better than gaining 40 pounds. (If that had happened I would have been pushing 300 pounds).  That doesn't mean I'm not frustrated.  Forty pounds over four years means ten pounds a year.  At this rate I will make my goal weight in about another five years.  Ugh.

Staying positive is hard.  Staying motivated is hard.  I took a break from running this fall and I know that it was the right decision because I am WAY less stressed about getting my runs in and doing my homework.   I have been able to get my weight to slowly creep back down again but again have hit the wall and am stuck.  I feel all bloated and fat.  Then I saw the pictures from the Silver Falls 7 Miler.  Ugh.

I had such a good day.  I really had fun on the run.  I had a total blast after the run hanging out with my friends and tailgating in the parking lot.  That should be the end of it.  Great day!  Period.

Why do I let pictures have such a negative impact on me?  I look at the pictures that runwild posted and I see a fat girl.  My husband looks at the same pictures and his comment was "Look at those muscles on your legs!"  and "Love the smile!"  I see someone who looks EXACTLY the same as the year before.  Where's the progress?  Where is the change?  Where is the visible reflection of all my hard work?

I do not see it!

I feel like a failure.

I worry that my friends will give up on me, if they haven't already.  I worry that my husband is disappointed in me and just not saying anything so that I won't be more discouraged.  

I have tried very hard, through the process of writing this blog, to be very honest in my writing.  Not everything in this journey is easy or quick.  I cannot be a positive ray of sunshine all the time.  I get frustrated and discouraged.  I want to give up.  I want to say screw it and go eat a giant bag of Ruffles.  And occasionally I do make poor choices and eat the giant bag of Ruffles.

But here's the thing.

The really important thing.

The thing that keeps me going, moving forward, trying again.

I'm worth it.  

I am worth the effort.  

I matter.  

Eventually I will win.  And yes, it sounds like I'm in a battle.  I am.  With my own body.  But between me, my doctor and the encouragement of my friends and family I will keep moving forward.  I will take the steps that are right for me and not compare my journey to the journey others have been on.

So even if it takes five years to get to my goal weight then that's what I will work towards.  It just means I will look fabulous at 50.

This was another week of encouraging memes and pictures on Facebook and Pinterest that really hit home.  So in order to end this blog on a positive note these are the ones that spoke to me this week or made me smile.

Found on Pinterest via http://weightwars.co.uk/2014/09/motivation-monday-36/
Found via Pinterest http://theinspiredroom.net/2014/07/23/seven-year-blogging-anniversary-and-huge-announcement/

Found on Pinterest via http://backonpointe.tumblr.com/page/2
I want to hang out on this corner all the time!  Who wants to join me?
via Pinterest and http://www.soshayblog.com/2014/08/summer-goals-what-it-do.html
And my personal favorite!
Thanks for letting me vent.  :-)  If you can relate than know that I'm rooting for you!  Just keep moving forward.  It's still a better direction than the alternative!

1 comment:

  1. I'll sit with you on the corner of Awesome & Bomdiggity! I'm struggling, too. An inner battle between sabotaging myself vs getting to a healthy goal weight. Thank you for posting even when things are difficult. I always come away feeling encouraged. I do understand your struggle. You are not alone!