Sunday, June 30, 2013

Some People are Jerks!

Time to get back into the groove.  No excuses anymore.  Graduation is over.  School is out.  Ironman is over.  I'm home.  Time to get at it.  Easier said than done.

During the last couple of months my running has been sporadic to say the least.  This is being kind.  I only ran 25 miles in June and only 22 miles in May.  Pathetic.  There is always a price to pay when I haven't been diligent and I'm paying that price now.

Yesterday I went out and did a three mile run/walk.  I ran the first half and walked the second half.  It was hot (already past 70 degrees at 8:30 in the morning) and I have a blister from the run I did last week in Coeur d'Alene.  But it felt good to be out there and doing something.

Today I was going to do better.  Go farther and keep a better pace.  I started out feeling pretty good.  Not super speedy but at a 13'30 average pace.  I felt good for the second mile as well.  It is a bit of an incline on the route I took but I was working through the kinks and the self-talk that wanted me to turn around and go home.

Then it happened.....

Usually I keep track of all the wonderful people that wave or give me thumbs up as I run.  I love that and it gives me a little boost every time it happens.  I feel like people are cheering me on for being out there and trying to get healthy.  I know that I'm not thin.  I know that things jiggle when I run.  But I'm doing something about it.  I can't help that it is taking forever and that progress is slow.  Better slow progress than no progress.  They tell us in teaching and parenting that it takes 100 compliments or positive comments to balance out ONE negative comment.  Why do we listen to the crap?  Today I did and it made me spiral into a crappy run and crappy day.

I was running and almost done with mile two.  I'm out on a country road by my house that is narrow so I keep the music low on my iPhone so that I can listen for cars.  I was feeling pretty good and was thinking I was going to be able to push it to five miles and run the whole thing.  I heard a truck coming up behind me and could tell it was slowing down.  I look over and there is a car load of young men in an old Bronco looking rig.  They have the windows rolled down and one guy has his head out the window.  He yells as they go by "Keep at it lady!  Your ass is still shaking!"  and then they all start laughing and roar off.

I know that I'm big.  I also know that things jiggle when I run.  Not as much as 6 months ago!  But because I was already working through negative self-talk this just tipped me over the edge.  I stopped running.  I walked.  And I cried.  I felt defeated and fat and that I should just go home because what is the point.  I haven't lost any weight during the last two months.  Why on earth did I ever think that I could do this?  I kept walking though.  I almost turned around when I saw a car in the distance parked on the side of the road.  I had the horrible thought that it might be the same boys and I would have to pass them again.  At that point I decided to keep going.  They may have gotten me to doubt myself and to walk but they were not going to keep me from going the route I had chosen.  Turned out it wasn't their car.  That was a relief.

The problem was that for the next 2.5 miles every time I started to run all I could feel was my butt jiggling.  I was so self-conscious about it I just couldn't bring myself to run.  I let those stupid boys win, dammit.  And I KNOW that they are the minority.  I KNOW that most people think it's great that I'm out there trying.  But dang it, it really hurt today.  The jerks won today.

I want my body to look like the effort I'm putting into it.  I want to see results.  Yes, I have been making gains but they are so slow compared to everyone else (it seems like).  I seriously want to smack the next person who says they started running and lost over 50 pounds in 6 months.  I wish!

So today I'm dealing with negative self-talk, frustration over slow progress and angry feelings toward a bunch of stupid boys that are idiots.

Tomorrow I will go out and run again because I'm not going to let myself or a bunch of stupid boys stop me from continuing.  The jerks won't win tomorrow!

Besides my husband told me that he thinks I'm doing great and he is the only opinion that really matters.  :-)

My quote for today.  Going to keep at it.  :-)

1 comment:

  1. Yes, some people are jerks. I can think of several instances (beginning when I was in Jr High) of thoughtless comments people made that caused me to think less of myself. Hopefully there comes a time when people like that GROW UP and have more empathy and compassion for those around them. You rock! Keep up the great work!