Sunday, February 21, 2016

Little Black Dress

I wore a Little Black Dress this weekend.

I wore a Little Black Dress that did not come from the Women's section of a store.

I wore a Calvin Klein Little Black Dress.

I felt sexy.

I felt like I looked hot.


I have spent YEARS being frustrated with the lack of progress on my journey to a healthier me.  I have been angry that others start exercising regularly and lose large amounts of weight in just a few months.  While I have taken YEARS to lose the same amount.  There have been a lot of pity parties and "poor me" sessions.

Why can't I be one of those people?

Why does this have to be so hard?

Why me?

And yet, in spite of all the frustrations, set backs, cha cha times (two steps forward, two steps back) and wanting to give up I have managed to keep moving forward.

This is in large part to my wonderful husband, family and friends that love and encourage me when I'm being stupid.

This past weekend my husband and I went for a hike at Silver Creek Falls.  We love this park.  We have been hiking in this park since we were dating.  Lots of memories, as a couple, with friends and running events have happened at Silver Creek Falls.  Sunday it rained the entire time we were out but we are from Oregon so we didn't mind.  :-)

We did a five mile hike that had a lot of what we do for the Silver Falls Trail runs in November.  I ran quite a bit of the flatter sections and felt pretty good.  The different falls were beautiful.  One of the things I love about this park is that every time we visit it is so different than the last time.  When we did the trail runs in November there was a lot of yellow and orange as the leaves were changing color and hadn't all fallen off the trees yet.

This time there was a lot of water running on the trail, many puddles and muddy spots and the different falls were running full and fast.  It was so gorgeous!!
Just a few of the falls that are on the trails at Silver Falls State Park!
One of the areas of the Silver Falls trail runs that I have always struggled with is the stairs. There is a series of stairs after the Lower South Falls.  I do not like these stairs.  The first year I did the Silver Falls Half Marathon I had so pull myself up each step with the handrail and then catch my breath at each landing.  Not fun. It has gotten a tiny bit better each year I participate in this race.  Whether I do the 1/2 marathon or the 7 mile run, this set of stairs is towards the end and is a big obstacle for me, both mentally and physically.  Last fall I was pretty happy because I was able to walk up the stairs at a nice steady pace and didn't have to stop once.  That was an incredibly huge accomplishment for me.

This time I decided to see how far I could trot up the stairs.  I wasn't going super fast by any means but it was definitely more of a quick pace than walking.  I think I got about 2/3's of the way up before I had to slow down to a walk.  I walked the rest but I was very happy with how I did.  The steps at Silver Falls and I have a long history and usually it ends with me feeling fat and frustrated.  This time I ran off feeling a bit bad ass.  Another opportunity to see just how far I have come.

As a teacher I spend a lot of time with my AVID students having them reflect on their learning.  What they learned, what went well, what didn't go well, what they would do different next time, things like that.  I find myself more and more applying that same reflection to my work towards being a healthier me.  This journey has many parallels to my students journey to becoming (I hope) life long learners.  I share freely my failures and successes in the world of exercise so that I can show them that falling down is an opportunity to learn so I can do better next time, not a reason to give up.

Frustrations are normal.

Not feeling successful is normal.

Don't give up!!

It will be worth it in the end!!

In turn, the students help remind me that I need to keep moving forward, even when I want to give up. There have been MANY times where I know that I don't want to go to school the next day and tell the students that I didn't give it my 100% and that is what kept me going.  If I"m going to expect them to give 100% then I damn well better be doing the same thing with my own goals.

My job is supposed to be teaching my students and most days I feel like I learn more from them than I can ever possibly teach them.  That's a bit humbling, for sure!

I have been having a lot of ups and downs about whether or not I can actually do an Olympic Triathlon.  Actually, that's not accurate.  I know I can do one.  I can do each part and piece and cross the finish line.  That's not the part that gets me all in knots.  I want to do more than just finish.  I want to finish well.  I don't just want to finish well.  I want to kick ass.  The reality is I don't want to kick someone else's ass, I want to kick my own.  I want to know that I dug deep, set a really outrageous goal and did everything I could to reach that goal.  I have a lot of work to do between now and July.  But I'm taking it one day at a time.

I have worked really hard the last few years at making sure I was IN pictures instead of always behind the camera TAKING the pictures.  This has been hard for me but I have sucked it up because I realized that I was a part of the moments and deserved to be in the memories.

But I hesitated to put on Facebook the picture of me in my little black dress that was a full body picture.  Then I got to thinking about it and I did the same thing at Christmas.  I wore a mini skirt, a cute red top and black boots and had Meighan take a picture of me and I didn't share it.  Not that I share every picture I take or have taken but I actually like these of myself and yet I didn't post them.

I'm still uncomfortable in my skin.

I still feel like a faker.  Like I'm only pretending to be a smaller size and someone is going to figure out it's all a big hoax.

I know, sounds silly, doesn't it.

So here it goes.

Here is me in my Little Black Dress.
I love this one of my Valentine and me.
I wish we had someone take our picture in the lobby of the hotel.  It was such a beautiful building. We enjoyed spending the evening there. :-)

This is the one at Christmas.  I look at it and see many flaws.  My sweet girl who took it says she loves it because I look beautiful and she loves my smile.  :-)
Wearing a mini skirt!
I've gotten used to getting my picture taken (somewhat).  I've gotten used to getting my picture taken while I'm in all my running clothes.

Now it's time to start getting used to getting my picture taken and being okay with my whole body being in it.

For each thing I learn there are new things that I have to figure out.

Life is a journey.  Might as well enjoy the ride.

Here's our new theme for my AVID classes this year:
That's the plan!
I plan to keep this in mind when I start comparing myself to others or getting down on myself for not doing as well as I want to or think I should.  If I'm giving 100% than it's enough and what my 100% looks like isn't going to be the same as someone else's.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your example of not giving up! Love your stories, love your strength, and love you. (You hottie!)